This is a more personal post than usual, and triggering for body/eating issues. I probably wouldn’t be writing it if I wasn’t slightly tipsy, so apologies in advance if it’s TMI. It also got kind of long, but I’ve found this unexpectedly hard to write, and I’ve already spent hours fussing with it, so I’m just going to go ahead and post or I’ll never get to bed on time.
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Last year, for various reasons, I changed my contraceptive pill. Most women do this a few times before their hormones settle down and they find one that suits them. It sucks, but you get used to it. I’d been on the same kind of pill since I was 14 – I’d originally been prescribed it to treat acne (I told you I was an awkward kid) but I’ll admit the excuse came in handy when I started having sex.
To cut a long story short, the new pill had many exciting side-effects, one of which was to make me lose weight.
Some of you have commented on how good I looked last year. I’m 5’8″, broad-shouldered, naturally muscular and my healthy weight is between 10 and 11 stone (that’s about 140 – 154lbs). Between June 2008 and Jan 2009 I went below 9 stone (126 lbs) for the first time since I reached adulthood. Even during my eating disordered period while I was at university (which, for those of you who have noticed my scars, was almost entirely a replacement for self-harming when I made myself stop doing that) I never lost that much weight: every period of starvation was followed by a binge, I was on this other contraceptive which kept a layer of healthy fat on me, and my weight just didn’t go that low. So, now I’m recovered and eating more or less healthily, suddenly having my weight – against my wishes, against all the work I’d done to learn to love myself at 10 and a half stone – spiral to the lowest it had ever been …. well, suffice to say it messed with my head.
People liked it though. People said I looked good. I got cross when friends said it – they should know better – but when strangers on the internet said it? Well, it reinforced my impression that however sexy you’re perceived to be, you’ll always be even sexier if you’re thinner. Every time someone compliments a photo of me at my thinnest, part of me cringes at the thought that they’d prefer it to a photo of me at my fattest.
I’m not talking about a big difference here. Let’s put this in perspective:
At the moment I’d say I’m bit bigger than the second picture (which isn’t recent – it was taken a couple of years ago)¹. But not much. No big deal, really. Only a few pounds in it. Big fuss about nothing, yeah? Yeah. I know.
Anyway, the various other side-effects of the new pill proved to be unliveable with, so early this year I switched again. As predicted, I put on weight. I schooled myself carefully: as a feminist I understand that being normal-sized is fine, that it makes no bloody difference to my attractiveness, that it shouldn’t be a problem. I’m quite good at controlling my emotional response to things, so I’ve managed to successfully persuade, bully, and make-believe myself into being fairly body-confident since the weight gain. But despite all those good thoughts, there’s a persistent twinge of regret that I didn’t make more films during my accidentally-skinny phase last year.
I came back from holiday on Monday better slept than I’ve been in months. The permanent bags under my eyes have lightened. My skin’s clearer than it’s been in ages. I feel buoyant. And I’ve put on more weight.
These days I make a point of not having scales at home, but I used to weigh myself obsessively, and can make a good guess. I reckon I’m currently pushing the 11 stone mark. Which is fine. It’s not fat. I’m a size 12. I have at most a 28″ waist and 42″ hips. That’s fine, you know? Not supermodel skinny, but still on the slender side. My body naturally waxes and wanes. That’s cool, and these days I refuse to diet or try to affect my shape in any way other than staying generally fit and healthy. But despite knowing all this, I’m struggling with it emotionally. I have a run of shoots lined up for my new site this autumn, and – believe it or not – strong-willed, body-positive, feminist me is feeling insecure about making sexy spanking videos at my current size.
I know, right? It’s ridiculous. I know it’s ridiculous. I would tell any friend saying the same thing, with love, that they were being ridiculous. Half the women I fancy are bigger than me. I would never, ever, tell anyone else that the size I am now was too big – sometimes sticks in my throat at the very idea. It’s wrong. But … part of me, the insecure, hypocritical part of my brain with the double standard, still, knowing it’s wrong, feels fat. I can talk about social conditioning until I’m blue in the face, but I can’t quite seem to eradicate that feeling. Not completely. I find myself staring at photos of the thinner spanking models in the industry – including dear friends – and feeling inadequate in comparison.
Augh, guilt, I shouldn’t feel this way, more angst. Etc. It’s embarrassing, honestly. And I know it’s irrational and silly: not only, objectively speaking, am I not fat, but if I was, that would be fine too! My feelings aren’t irrational because actually I’m not fat (with the implication that if I was fat I’d have a point): they’re irrational because size has – should have – nothing to do with sex appeal. If I put on loads of weight suddenly, will it – should it – make any difference to my spanking career? I’ll still be my usual dorky, over-thinky, kinky self, my boyfriends will still find me hot, I’ll still get off on being spanked and making spanking porn, and hopefully you’d still get off on watching me be spanked.
But I know I’m not alone in having this residual, deep-down self-doubt underneath the confidence, and I think it’s important to talk about this stuff publically. If I’m going to make body-positive spanking porn I think these issues need to be acknowledged. I suspect that many of you reading this know how I feel, and I think that’s indicative of something deeply wrong with our society.
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You’ll be pleased to hear there’s a happy ending to this story. Someone anonymously commented on my recent Bodies and Politics post with a link to The Judgment of Paris, a site celebrating the beautiful plus-size models which are so often ignored by the fashion industry. It’s a celebration of femininity, sexiness and style: and all of the women are gorgeously, glamourously bigger than me.
I only had to look at these pictures for ten minutes before I felt better about my current shape, empowered to make spanking porn at size 12, size 16 or whatever size I happen to be, my positivity about the range of human beauty wholly renewed. I guess that proves how susceptible I am, stompy politics notwithstanding. But it makes me wonder: if other people are half as easily influenced as me, what effect must the skinny-focussed ethos of fashion, advertising and porn have on our culture as a whole?
I seek out body-positive representation in the media anyway, but this week I’m particularly delighted by public celebrations of normal-sized beauty. Such as this photo of Lizzie Miller (which I’m sure I saw attached to an article about Karl Lagerfeld’s offensively off-the-mark statement about curvy models, but I can’t seem to find the page now):
(Originally posted in Glamour magazine.)
See, I know in theory that being true to myself, being comfortable in my skin, being happy and confident and feeling sexy and relaxed, is far more important than a few pounds here or there. Right now, I’m trying to put that theory into practice.
I was telling a friend about this today, and she started telling me about a TV show called Mad Men. Set in the 50s, many of the female characters are cast according to the body shape that was considered beautiful in that era, which makes them far curvier than most actresses these days. Normal-sized women are shown as normal – not one “big girl” as a quirky character in a group of skinny women, but sexy characters with beautiful curves.
I haven’t seen the show, but as a Firefly fan I was delighted to discover that one of the sex icons in Mad Men is played by Christina Hendricks. She slimmed down to play Saffron, the petite seductress and con-artist in Joss Whedon’s show. But she’s completely gorgeous as voluptuous 50s flirt Joan Holloway:
The upshot of all this is:
a) Next time I catch myself feeling bad about my figure, I should just look at eye candy of beautiful non-skinny women until I get over myself, and;
b) I’m going to go ahead and make lots of spanking porn without worrying about my shape.
The latter is still a work in progress. I’m still feeling irrationally nervous about posting new pics. I’m combatting these nerves in my usual way – by writing about it (at length, apparently – sorry about that), and by booking lots of shoots, so take that, self-doubt! Most people won’t be able to tell the difference anyway, or won’t care if I have a flabby tummy – you’ll mostly be looking at my bottom anyway, right? But if you do find my fuller figure less appealing, please be kind enough to keep your opinion to yourself.
In the meantime, I’ll keep working on that confidence thing, because I’d far rather post hot spanking photos than angst about boring body issues.
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1. I had to hunt quite hard for a picture showing me at my biggest, and part of the difference in this shot is posture anyway. It’s disappointing to discover that despite my political stance, I have very few pictures that show off my current shape. I’m cool with my big hips and bum and thighs, but I strongly prefer photos which accentuate the narrowness of my waist. And when I’m shooting I always hold my tummy in, so there are very few pictures of me where, for instance, my belly looks as rounded as it does in the mirror. Partly that’s good posture, but partly it’s unnecessary shame at having a round belly. I think it’s sad that I don’t have any nice photos of me celebrating the fuller phases of my natural body shape. I hope that the shoots I do this autumn will change that.
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Pandora,
Every man I know fancies Christina/Joan in Mad Men. I lived in New York in the early 90s where many women just strutted it and it was all about attitude. This inspired me a lot (& there's a story there which I can't publicly post), body-wise. So stay lovely and be confidant and above all keep writing.
Ok Just a very brief personal opinion but that second photograph is way hotter than the first.
Christina Hendricks in Mad Men is to this old perv just about the hottest thing on TV.
As an aside I've been trying to convince the world that Mad Men is THE kinkiest show on the box although in hindsight it may just be my twisted mindset.
None of the above will help you much and neither will the following I suspect but I don't think I've had the pleasure of seeing you after the recent pill change/weight loss. Even if I had though I'm about as sure as I can be that you couldn't possibly look as great as when i last worked/met with you.
Thanks for the judgementofparis link by the way. It's going to make me a very happy man for a long while.
I think you are absolutely gorgeous in the second picture. Mmmm, curvy Pandora.
And, tell me, wouldn't you just get a kick out of seeing Christina Hendricks spanked?
Thanks for this post, Pandora. As usual, you've taken an issue that gets discussed a lot and made it more interesting, more personal, more beautiful. I'm glad you feel free enough to share those thoughts with us
I'm with the guys above about preferring the second picture. Frankly, even though I don't watch all that much spanking porn, especially compared to, say, Ludwig, I'd be interested in anything you produce.
Pandora,
I'm personally a little biased, being way, way bigger than you, but I find the second photo of you so much lovlier. If I'm be very honest, you just look a little *too* skinny in the first shot. I know it's hard though, when there is a whole sea of people out there saying how hot and sexy you are when you are thin.
I think that one of the kindest things that any of us can do for ourselves is just learn to be happy with who we are.
I'm one to talk, as it's something I strive to do and fail to do every day, but a life spent obsessing over body shape and how people look at us is not a happy life. At the end of the day, shouldn't we all strive for contentment?
So I suppose what I'm trying to say is that it doesn't really matter that some of us think that photo 2 is hotter than photo 1, and some of us the other way round: what matters is that you are happy and accepting of yourself, whatever that self might look like.
Sickening lecture over
Pandora
Many thanks for once again writing a very personal and interesting blog. I've shared it with several feminist women friends, who really liked it.
I hope you can find the confidence to 'strut your stuff' as they say cos you are a very hot women, full stop, irrespective of size. And i mean very very hot!
Paul
I agree one hundred percent with Paul. You're hot. Full stop. HOT. At every size.
I keep writing and erasing huge swaths of words so I'll leave it at this: we've talked a bit about this before, so you know you have my utter empathy around this issue.
And it's very, very brave of you to talk about it. I've thought about posting similar things before but size is such a loaded issue and hard to talk about in a way that remains constructive. I think you've done a very good job of that in this post.
Romy,
Thanks for your kind words. It's a weird irony that fretting about your size is – more than whatever size you are – likely to affect how appealing people find you. Kind of like "don't think about a pink giraffe".
Except that it's disingenuous to claim that size doesn't matter just because it shouldn't. A lot of people, myself included, share pro-thin prejudice. And while there's one standard for real people, there's another standard for models and actresses. Would I be stressing about this on a public blog if my looks weren't a professional concern? I hope I wouldn't be so vain! When it's just about my personal self-esteem, it's easier: firstly, no-one's opinion matters other than mine and my partners, and secondly, even by conventional beauty standards, my figure is "acceptable" for a normal person. But it's not acceptable for a model or actress. Most of the famous/popular spanking models are thin – especially in America. Part of my job is to appeal to an audience. Knowing where to strike that balance when so many people do have a strong preference (whether they acknowledge it explicitly or not) for thin physiques is tough.
In real life, what men like really isn't my first priority. My role as a human is not to appeal to men. But as a spanking model … well, realistically, that's pretty much exactly what my role is, at least until the gender balance of paying customers is more equal. Which will only happen if porn is made to appeal to women too. Which is what I'm working on. But until then, it's easy to feel pulled in different directions by my personal beliefs and the demands of the industry.
Stephen – I hope you're indicative of more spankos than I fear! Part of my worry is that unless I change my policy on trying to artificially change my shape, I will continue to fill out as I reach my late twenties/early thirties, particularly since I wouldn't mind having kids at some point, and don't necessarily think this should automatically end my spanking career (time/energy constraints notwithstanding!). Now, I'm confident that my partners and friends will continue to think I'm beautiful no matter what shape I am. But what about customers? Particularly when so much of the market is based the States, where thin models seem to be favoured more exclusively… it'd be lovely to think I could continue the revolution NSI has started by bridging the gap between "special interest" plus-sized sites and "normal" sites, where thin physiques are still the default for women. But I'm at that stage of building a business where I'm trying to strike the balance between doing what I want (not care about size, and make porn celebrating a range of beauty) and doing what my customers will want.
Perhaps I should stop trying to second-guess the latter until I see how my sales are doing. There are a million other factors than size. Thankyou for the reassurance that the ridiculously unattainable ideal maintained by most porn, advertising and TV is not necessarily reflected in the real world. I truly hope that it does not turn out to be a factor in the popularity of my site.
And thanks for the compliments – I felt wretched after writing this post in case I came across as fishing for them, but I won't deny they are always lovely to hear. Perhaps one day they'll even filter properly through my thick skull
Zugzwang – Yay, thankyou! It feels silly and pathetic to need it, but you know, reassurance like this does help diminish my stupid self-involved fears that when I post pics of my new curves everyone will think "hrrrm, she was much fitter before she gained weight". Just out of interest, because I'm aware that I'm still within the socially accepted range for female body types, is there an upper limit to physiques you find attractive? Are your preferences for models informed by size at all, or by other factors? If not, do you think you're unusual? Looking at the comments on spanking blogs and the trends in model popularity it seems to me that in general, more people prefer thinner women than would perhaps admit it to me (or themselves) but I don't know if I'm imagining things.
Christina Hendricks – YES, oh my god. Or in watching her spank someone. Either would be good. Sadly I don't think the internet can oblige
Indy – thankyou. I'm hoping that I'll be able to contribute to the quantity of spanking porn that appeals strongly to women. And I'm hoping that women will respond positively to porn celebrating a range of body types, and that that will help encourage the rest of the industry to be more includisve. I know I'm getting way ahead of myself – I should spend my time shooting and working on the site, not fretting about a reception that may never happen!
But thankyou for being kind about my silly wibbles. It's nervewracking as hell, but sometimes the most effective way to quash your irrational fears is to people the chance to call you on them, and expose them for the foolishness they are.
Eliane – Oh, love. One of the reasons I fretted so much about posting this is that I know that I do have thin privilege, even if I'm curvier as most models my age. I was a skinny child, and skinny children tend to be treated differently by adults in a way that makes me furious, but I also know that I don't have anything to complain about in terms of social acceptance. And I do understand that my experience doesn't compare to that of women whose size differs more from the prescribed 'ideal'.
It's so hard to talk about this, isn't it? Fat women are discouraged from talking about this even more, I think. If fat women are beautiful, they're told they're not fat, as if fat and beauty were mutually exclusive. And thin women are subjected to just the same unattainable social pressure, in a different way, but if you're perceived as thin or normal, you can't talk about that pressure without the risk of upsetting or insulting anyone bigger than you. It's a nightmare. Partly that's why I wanted to go ahead and post this anyway – I really do think that talking openly about this stuff is one of the most effective ways of breaking open social expectations, and diminishing the power of the unspoken rules.
I do worry about very thin models who talk about working out, even as it makes me feel lazy and unprofessional because I don't bother. Who are they doing that for? Do they really need hours at the gym to stay in good health? Will I never be as successful because I'm not willing to play the same game?
Anyway, thankyou very much for your empathy and kindness. I know it's pointless and vain to stress about this stuff. But as I said to Indy, it's easy to worry in silence forever: talking about it really does help. *hugs*
idlethoughts – Thankyou for your thoughtful response and reassurance. Most of the time I'm perfectly happy to strut my stuff! But every time I put on another few pounds, or something else happens to trigger my self-doubt, I have to go through the whole tedious process of worrying and telling myself not to be silly and pretending it doesn't matter because that's the easiest way to make sure it doesn't. I feel like once I've done that once, I shouldn't have to do it again… I can only hope it gets easier with time!
Caroline – <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
My heart was pounding as I went to bed last night. I almost couldn't sleep for anxiety after posting it – worry that I was being stupid and vain and self-involved and annoying, worry that I was going to piss off everyone more curvy than me, worry that I was going to alienate the people that think thinner=hotter. It is horrendously difficult to talk about this stuff. But that's one of the reasons I wanted to, and it's lovely to wake up to so many empathic and supportive comments. I hope you guys aren't the only ones to think it doesn't matter! Lovely as this reassurance is, it won't mean anything if my paysite flops because I'm not skinny.
I'll just keep telling myself I'm not allowed to worry about that until a) I have a paysite, and b) it flops. Until then I'm just wasting my energy. It's insidious though, isn't it? I'm never sure whether talking through them will reinforce my unwanted feelings or break them open, but thankfully this post seems to be tending towards the latter. Roll on uninhibited curve-tastic self-esteem! Spanking porn will be the better for it
1. You have a sexy mind. I mean, I know you know that, but it couldn't hurt to repeat it, right? And *that's* what's going to make your site super hot, and successful, in the end : )
2. You have a sexy body, had a sexy body, and will have a sexy body! And, um, why are we not discussing the hotness of your eyes and hair?! (Hi, I'm Graham and I'm a perv with no social boundaries…)
3. Oh, how's this for wack body-image issues: Even though I'm "bigger" than you (quotes cause you're actually taller!) and I do sometimes wrestle with those ack-I'm-not-thin-enough insecurities, when I look at photos of you I find myself envying your ass curves more than anything else! Cause I do like to lament the fact I have zero ass. (I don't know if there's a point to that, other than to highlight how random and subjective All This Body Image Stuff is in the end!)
4. I also hate it when people compliment me on losing weight, and I've wondered if I'm being petulant to get ticked off by that. I'm all, "How dare you think I care about my weight?" Or something. See, a lot of times, I hadn't actually lost any weight so I was confused more than anything else. Of course, where I live now, people are always telling me I've lost weight, in fearful tones, in a plot to get me to eat ninety more pounds of potatoes.
5. I LOVE Mad Men! Was actually planning to write a post about it. Such an incredibly good, incredibly hot show. And it does have kinky moments : )
Yikes, long comment. Point is, you're awesome! (That's always my point.)
Oh, Pandora, Pandora. You are utterly gorgeous in both of those photos, but I definitely prefer you in the second, curvier picture. It just seems to suit you better. I would find you hot whatever your shape – you are innately beautiful, in so many ways. But you are positively pounceable when looking well-fleshed. MmmmmmmPandoraflesh.
I'm so sorry to hear you've been going through all of this. And I can relate, to some extent. I've found myself getting faintly anxious about it when I start putting on weight – not enough to override the fact that logically I know that my thinness is due to my disabilities and that I look sexier and more suited to my frame when properly pear-shaped rather than skinny. (Not to mention the fact that Feste and Puck appear to have joined forces in a general Ophelia-fattening project!) But enough to make me aware that some of the pro-thin mentality and the privilege I've received as a thin woman has rubbed off on me. It's an insidious problem.
You are brave and wonderful for posting this.
Also:
Thank you so much for the Judgement of Paris link. Mmmmm.
What I can never get over is that more or less any woman I have ever spoken to, in a conversation where the subject comes up, will say that what she wants is a curvy body, that women who are too thin are not attractive, that so long as you are healthy and fit then why on earth would you even contemplate trying to lose weight, all of which I heartily agree with. And yet if you ever make the mistake of complimenting her using any kind of language that implies that more is more – even when combining positively-connoted words like curvy, full, voluptuous with non size-inflected words like beautiful, sexy, attractive, words which in my mind all fit so naturally together I have to remind myself that this is supposed to be atypical for a man – she is offended.
I don't blame the girl (I'm not thinking of one in particular) – she is no more conflicted than all the men who can talk the body-positive talk when it's required but still buy the magazines, watch the films, go and see the plays that feature the thin girls.
What I find strange is that I really don't believe that these men have such a thumping majority as the 'ideals' being supplied to the market would suggest. I mustn't get into this properly because I could talk for hours about it and particularly how it relates to the pitiful Anglo-American food culture or lack thereof, and I have work to do, but maybe this will be the impetus I need finally to resurrect my blog, at least for one or two posts burning a hole in my pocket.
Very briefly what I think it has to do with is that the unhealthier society in general becomes (e.g. in terms of diet and exercise), the further the idealisation of sexiness from reality will become and the more unrealistic the exemplars of it, which leads to this very damaging and confusing separation. The further real people get from the ideal, the further in the opposite direction the ideal develops, so its unattainability increases exponentially and makes all the normal-sized women even more depressed about their totally healthy bodies. If anyone thinks what I'm saying sounds contrived, simply look at what's happened since the 50s to (a) the average size of a film star and (b) the average size of women. Statistically you would expect (a) to reflect (b) since film stars are a subset of the general population. Not so. More on this when I find time, I MUST get some work done.
Pandora you are beautiful, and I'm not sure I ought to say even more so with slightly rounder curves because I don't want to be contributing to an altered neurosis if you suddenly start to worry that actually all your fans are trying to put pressure on you to gain weight! I think my feelings on the subject are pretty clear by now anyway but I will still want to see pictures of you whatever happens to your body.
Thank you for sharing this with us, and I just like to join in saying hon, you're gorgeous. (Also, thanks for the link to Judgement of Paris, this site is amazing.)
Pandora,
All of the other commentators have said everything worth saying, so how about we just count this as a delurk? (Unless I have actually delurked before? In which case I guess it's jumping on the bandwagon.) Your post was complex and made me think all kinds of things; and, I know you weren't fishing for reassurance about how sexy you are. However, the most lasting impression this post had on me was making me think:
1) woah, those hot girls are plus sized??
2) where is the clothing in shops that flatters curves like Mad Men wardrobe?
3) Pandora looks very slender and incredibly hot in picture 2 and way too thin in picture 1, and she would look even hotter if she weighed more, so will someone please invent a babel fish that goes in your ear and then interacts with your visual cortex and makes you look as hot in the mirror as you are in other people's eyes?
As for the people who complimented you on your skinny looks, who's to say they wouldn't have complimented you equally weighing 30 pounds more? I'll shut up now since I have nothing insightful or useful to say, but…more hot "plus" sized models, please – they look like real people.
Hi Pandora,
This is such a great post, I love how you talk about the things that many of us 'think' we shouldn't feel.
Like you know you shouldn't have a problem with your weight, you know you're healthy and beautiful so why do you feel that's a problem.
And I find that guilt comes along with those thoughts too. I have friends who are bigger than me, I think they are beautiful, so why do I have the right to be dissatisfied with my body when I'm smaller.
But our minds can really fuck us up and no matter how well we can give advice we just can't take it or believe it sometimes.
Hugs and empathy
xxx
What on earth are you worrying about? You have the most spankable bottom in the whole wide world, pert little tits and a nice waistline. For myself I like a curvy belly – I don't believe a woman should have a six-pack – let it hang out a bit.
I was at the launch of the new "What Katie Did" retro lingerie range last autumn and the curvy model was the one that got the biggest cheers (I think its still on YouTube)
I find it a little offputting when I can see a model's ribs: pr0n and oxfam ads should really occupy a different space…
And I really don't want to see less of that gorgeous bum
IIRC Christina Hendricks was hotness personified as "Mrs Reynolds" (if you remember the series, you'll know why it's in quotes) from Firefly
Just in case no-one else has mentioned it…
I suppose that when it comes to self-image you should try and come up with your own version of how you want to look which is based on how you feel most comfortable and try and keep it separate from outside pressures. Try not to have your self-image adapt too much either in relation to changes in yourself or what other people think, or societal demands. But then that's no easy thing.
So if someone did say you looked nice after losing some weight then you can take it as a compliment but also know that the opinion does not necessarily agree with your own and thus you won't be making accommodations for those opinions.
I guess you've got to work out what the distilled essence of 'you' is and then keeping it in mind as how you want to be, because that is 'you', and nothing else changes that, not even if your body does change. I suppose it might be a bit like being 'only as old as you feel'. So even though you might be getting on, that doesn't need you change who 'you' are.
Personally, I like seeing spanking films with models of a range of sizes because that can be more 'real' but it can feel sexier because you can believe that the models are comfortable being on screen doing what they're doing and so they are enjoying it for their own reasons – not just everyone being really skinny because that's what everyone thinks everyone else wants to see.
Reading about how you feel about yourself, Pandora, I think you look great with your preferred size so you don't need to change that, and I think a lot of your audience may feel the same. If you're how you want to be then that may be evident in your performances and the viewers can respond to that confidence.
I'm going to go ahead and make lots of spanking porn without worrying about my shape.
Now that's an initiative I think we can all get on board with
Women are naturally curvy, mostly, great, curves are good, curves are sexy. The song said "don't read beauty magazines, they'll only make you feel ugly".
We like you for who you are (apologies for presuming to speak for other people).
You're great, live with it.
Pandora
i made something for you
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xatzyg_for-pandora
Can't have been easy to write and publish – all credit gal and your many fans just want you to be how you feel best.
Pandora,
You don't know how much this post means to me because I'm going through the exact same thing, though less birth control-induced.
I know how hard it is to do a shoot when you're not feeling adequately thin and how torturous it can be to look at past photos when you were less healthy. Just the splash page on our soon-to-be website(www.artofspankingactivism.com)feels like a mockery of how much my body can change and I ask myself all the time why the hell I'm doing this, besides how much fun spankings can be.
You're really blessed to be able to come to a point of acceptance that a lot of other people can't reach. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and helping me feel less alone here.
Much love and thanks, Beautiful!
-Widow
"I almost couldn't sleep for anxiety after posting it – worry that I was being stupid and vain and self-involved and annoying, worry that I was going to piss off everyone more curvy than me, worry that I was going to alienate the people that think thinner=hotter. It is horrendously difficult to talk about this stuff"
This has always been my problem when I think about writing about this, and even when I tried to comment properly. The difference is you're brave enough to push on anyway! Just looking at the number and the quality of the comments you've gotten so far, it's easy to see that this is a subject that hits close to the bone (no pun intended) for many many people of different sizes and genders.
And I think the model side of things IS absolutely relevant. I've finally gotten to a place where on a day-to-day basis I'm pretty happy with my body, but modeling can bring back all the issues and fears flooding back in.
Yes with the lazy and unprofessional because I never ever ever work out. Yes to wondering if I'd get more jobs and more attention if I dropped a stone or a dress size or two. Yes to thinking about how my body will change (is changing!) as I get older, especially with all the stunning teenage models flooding the scene. Yes to worrying about being successful, for myself and for the sites I work with. There are sites I'm afraid to even apply to because the other models they work with are so thin, or because they ask for height and weight (first thing!) and I worry I'll be turned down before they even get my message or photos. I'm glad I started modeling in England and not in America for this very reason, though even in the UK body standards seem to be getting stricter and stricter. This is just one more reason, among thousands, that NSI, with their very body-positive policy is a treasure.
But to balance the possible negativity in all of that, I said once on my blog, and I'll say it again, I find the (lay, if not the professional) spanking scene as a whole to be so much more body-positive than the "real world". I realize that my take on this is coloured by my own "thin privilege", but I think it is true. Curves are appreciated and celebrated. People of all sizes play together and enjoy each other's bodies. Various states of undress are explored and expected, and the cumulative effect of that exposure and acceptance happening over and over again was something wonderful. I found myself loving my body for the first time in my life after my first spanking party, appreciating it for the first time for the fun and pleasure it could give me and other people.
Pandora,
Very moving post, extremely well written. I wish to add my voice and say pic 2 is the one I like the most.
The natural look does it for me over anything else and as Wizard Birchwand said…
"You have the most spankable bottom"
Hi Pandora,
I don't comment much, I just wanted to say that I have no idea of how many vids/pics I have seen of you nekid and it has never occurred to me that your body looked out of shape.
You do look a tad thin in the first picture but if you had not brought it up I would not have thought that.
If I could offer any advice it would be to eat properly and get a reasonable amount of exercise, not to look good in pictures (you already do) but for the sake of your health. I don't know what being a "feminist" has to do with taking care of yourself, it seems to me just to be common sense.
Also to appeal to me as a spanking model takes more than a nice ass, you have to have the personanality as well, and the successful ones like you do. It's Pandora that's getting spanked, not her butt if that makes sense.
You're just fine, learn to love yourself as the rest of us do.
Thank you for writing about this. It makes me feel less guilty about moaning to my boyfriend about my body issues because my girlfriends have all suddenly dropped a couple of dress sizes and feel great ergo can't moan with them anymore. :s
You are very attractive either way but I think more so when I can't count your ribs
Lilly x
Pandora
Pls look at this video it is as sexy as I have ever seen.
http://www.megaporn.com/video/?v=7VS0MB9B
hope you like it luv me
SAW bum
Just out of interest, because I'm aware that I'm still within the socially accepted range for female body types, is there an upper limit to physiques you find attractive? Are your preferences for models informed by size at all, or by other factors? If not, do you think you're unusual?
I think one of the hottest models at NSP is Faith, if that gives any indication. Mmmmmm…Faith.
I'm a bit late to the party here but nonetheless…
This Western obsession (in varying degrees) with thinness is a product of the 1960s. There are a lot of arguments as to why the idealised concept of weight changed during the 60s, but the bottom line is that before this period "curvy" was held up as the ideal body type.
If you go back a bit before that (Victorian era? certainly Regency) then truth be told it was often thought that being fat was GOOD because it showed that you were wealthy enough to be able to eat to excess.
Anyway, back to the 60s again. I think there are three key trends:
1. Studies since have shown that over the last 30 years women's anxiety levels have risen along with the increase in choices gifted to them by the sexual revolution and feminism. Over the same period, men's anxiety levels have decreased, often because their traditional breadwinner role is now shared. ***NOTE this is not to say that the changes have been bad, just that there is more pressure on women because they have more to choose from over the course of their lives.
2. Advertisers during the 60s theorised that if they captured a person at a young age, they would have a loyal customer for life. This trend has accelerated to the point where a large majority of advertising is now directed at young people – a case in point is that the key demographic for television is now the 18-49 range. Advertisers routinely try to capture market share from the so-called "tweens" that are even younger. This means that a majority of advertising, which by its nature appeals to idealised notions of the target demographic, features actors who are often far younger than was the case in previous generations. And because young people are often thinner, this is one of the causal genesis links to the current thinness craze.
3. There has been a massive increase in visual media availability since the 60s, especially in television, which was only in its infancy at that point. Content creators, eager to be in step with advertisers, have often accentuated the trend towards thinness.
All of these things have created a situation where being excessively thin is regarded as the social ideal. If one were to imagine a great chauvinistic plot, one could say that this is the patriarchy's response to feminism, the new way of pushing women down; although frankly I think this is crap. What is definitely NOT crap, however, are the effects: everything from beautiful young women such as yourself worrying about their bodies when there is no real reason to, to the proliferation of eating disorders. And that is an extremely unhelpful loss of an important public good.
Consider the other end of the spectrum:
When Rachel Miner bends over for her spanking in Californication, after pushing her boss's coffee onto the floor, you feel sorry for the guy having to spank such a bony ass… though she looks nice enough in other situations.
All of which goes to show that, while thin may go over on the runway, it's not necessarily a good thing, over the knee.
Thanks so much everyone for your comments. I'll try and reply to everything briefly
Graham: thankyou so much for being such a sweetheart
I'm glad I'm not the only one to get ticked off by "have you lost weight" compliments! It pisses me off because losing weight IS NOT THE SAME AS getting more attractive, but everyone in the beauty, fashion, cosmetic surgery and entertainment industry disagrees, so if you are my friend you would not be on their side. I realise people mean it well but ARGH.
Also, while I'm ranting, I have some lovely female friends whose default "hello" is to compliment me on my appearance. It's sweet, and lovely, and I realise they're trying to make me feel good about myself, even if it's just "oh I love your outfit", but often I have put 0 thought into how I look, my head is full of other stuff, and suddenly my cute, fashion-conscious friend calls attention to my appearance… it pisses me off because sometimes, just sometimes, I would like to be female and NOT have people call attention to my appearance, even if they're being affirming. I would like to talk about the things that are in my head, and not just be something to look at. But I know they mean well
Everyone being so lovely and body-positive in the comments just makes me feel guilty for being susceptible to The Meeja, but I'm not the only one so clearly something's wrong in general. I seem to remember you have a very shapely ass, but I am not 100% sure I remember correctly, so I think more research is definitely required.
Ophelia – Thankyou, lovely.
I'm sorry you know where I'm coming from, but it's tough, isn't it, when you go from being too-skinny (but almost-thin-enough for the ideal) to normal-sized and suddenly become aware of all the pro-thin prejudice you absorbed. GAH. And yes to thin privilege, which you and I still benefit from even at our biggest. Did you see that article the other day about fat prejudice? 93% of employers would rather employ a thin person than a fat one even if they are equally qualified. And yeah, there are all sorts of arguments for having conventionally attractive people in client-facing roles, but really it just makes me feel a bit sick, and wonder how many of my successes were due to people approving of my thin body rather than my talent or skills. Ugh.
(Also, it's sickening that I can repost that article and have people scoffing at the idea that overweight people often have little choice in what size they are. How is this still a debate???
PS. if anyone reading this is unclear on the medical science, you need to read this)
Hrm. I'm not doing so well at this "brief comments" thing so far …
Jon – your analysis makes sense to me. Everyone in our culture is conflicted about bodies and weight. We have enough sense to know it doesn't – shouldn't matter – and yet overweight children are brought up knowing that it absolutely does. And if you want a career that's remotely visible – whether it's in a client-facing job that involves giving a good first impression, or in politics or entertainment or the beauty industry or fashion, you know that it matters. It shouldn't, but it does. It's sometimes difficult to acknowledge that, you know? As a woman, you start to talk about fat politics and people tell you to just "accept yourself"… but I don't think it's that simple, and implying it's just a question of personal willpower can sometimes come across as naive. Of course, personal willpower can count for a lot, and if everyone simultaneously woke up and realised how fucked up our culture is about fat maybe we could shift things, but as long as kids are being raised by parents with prejudice, no amount of personal acceptance will solve the problem.
I don't feel personally responsible for the fact I feel bad about not being super-skinny. I don't live in a vacuum. I'm angry with a society that teaches people to feel bad about themselves before they can walk, I'm angry with parents and teachers who propagate this negativity to children, I'm angry with the cosmetics and fashion industry who profit from increasing the unhappiness of the world. So many people subconsciously prefer thinner bodies when they're not thinking about it – I'm one of them, and at the risk of causing offense, I daresay so are you. Of course I will try to break out of this social conditioning, to spot it when I see it in action. But we're all in this together, and me teaching myself to "not care" is not going to solve the wider problem.
Your last paragraph made me giggle. Thankyou for your perspective.
TA – thankyou! And you're welcome
Casey – Hello! Thanks so much for your comments
2) I KNOW. I KNOW I KNOW. I recently read an awesome deconstruction of plus-sized fashion by a friend who identifies as a "fatshionista", and bitches most eloquently on how often garments are just scaled up, as if what suited a size 8 would suit a size 18. I'm lucky in this respect, although while we're on the subject of clothes, since posting this entry I've had a bit more success at telling my self-hatred where it can get off, but I've been angsting about CLOTHES. All my nicest clothes fit thin me! All my hot fetish fashion is a size 8! If I'm bigger now and intending to stay that way, I need to accept I'm never going to fit my beautiful clothes again – and it'll cost hundreds of pounds to replace it all. which I don't have. I think not being able to wear my nicest clothes is one of the things making me feel miserable about getting bigger. Clearly I need to invest in some comfortable, beautiful garments that flatter the new me…
EJ – thanks hon. The guilt is something special, isn't it? But we're all affected by this fucked-up culture. I think it's important to recognise the ways in which we benefit from being naturally thin, but it's so hard to do when you still don't feel thin! I wish you all the best in learning to love your beautiful body as much as it deserves.
Wizard – For myself I like a curvy belly – I don't believe a woman should have a six-pack – let it hang out a bit.
I may print this out and keep it on my wall.
Al – thanks for the reassurance! But if this is true, why are there so few normal or plus-sized in spanking porn? It seems daft to me. Is Adele Haze not proof enough that you don't have to be skinny to be a spanking star?
Benjamin – Mm. As I say above, it's easier said than done. I know it's not just women – you don't see many fat male subs either, although the malesub industry is totally fucked up for many reasons. But I guess you could draw an analogy with cock size. You might tell any individual guy to just accept himself as he is, and there are loads of women (and men) that prefer sexual partners with smaller cocks. But are they represented in porn? Are they hell.
Which reminds me, it pisses me off that fat is so often fetishized in porn. Uh, it's not a fetish. It's NORMAL.
Anyway, I don't think there is a "distilled essence of me" – I'm a response to everything I experience and everyone I encounter. Sorry, I'm not an essentialist.
Also, my problem is not that I fully believe that I look good fat, and if someone tells me otherwise I can just dismiss it. My problem is that I have a history of eating disorders, I have existing body image issues, and if someone tells me I look good because I've lost weight it plays into a load of irrational neuroses that I've been trying for years to shift. If a part of me – a small, stupid, hard to kill part – didn't fiercely agree with them, I wouldn't have such difficulty with it.
I'm glad you agree with me re spanking films though! I'm so glad I posted this, it's great to know I'm not the only one that likes to see a range of body types are. Thanks for the reassurance, and for taking the time to reply.
Colin – thanks hon
James – Cheers. I'm glad I wrote it. It's certainly helped dispel my paranoia that everyone just wants to see thin girls all the time, and I think it's good to talk about these issues openly.
Widow – Oh, hon, thanks so much for stepping up and saying hi. Your website looks like an awesome endeavour, and you are beautiful – and would, I imagine, be just as hot (if not more so) with a few pounds on you! I wish you all the best with your new site, and with accepting your body – and posing for hot kinky photos! – whatever size you are. I took a look at your blog – you seem like an awesome person. I hope you stay in touch and manage to reach that acceptance for yourself. You're certainly not alone. x
Caroline – Oh, of course you get it. It's lovely when your anxiety is proved wrong, but man – not only is there a taboo against being fat, there's a taboo against TALKING about fat, and this just makes me glad, once again, that the kink community is so accepting and awesome about things like this.
I guess we just need to take over the industry, right, and prove them all wrong: I intend to hire many big, beautiful models, and the time is CLEARLY right for normal-sized and plus-sized bodies to be celebrated in mainstream sites alongside thin bodies! (I hate it when bigger models are relegated to "special interest" sites. Not that Lucy isn't awesome for maintaining Spanking BBW, but I find it much more impressive when the same models are featured on NSI and no-one bats an eyelid.
What makes you say body standards are getting stricter in the UK? When I was looking up articles on that Lagerfeld quote I saw loads of recent news pieces about how big is coming into fashion, what with the controversy over size 0 models, and Beth Ditto and I hope hope hope it's true. But who can tell? Victoria Beckham is slated for being too thin with the same bile and viciousness with which the magazines usually howl at other celebrities who have the temerity to put on weight. I worry that a "plus sized revolution" which just turn into an excuse to bash the poor women who have been starving themselves and playing by the rules all this time.
Yesyesyes on your last paragraph. I think this thread proves it, if I was ever in doubt.
Charles – thanks, hon.
Eric – Cheers. Fat prejudice is a feminist issue because it affects women disproprotionately. The fat acceptance movement is about helping women to love their bodies despite living a patriarchal culture that places a premium on being unachieveably thin. It is supposed to liberate women from obsessing over their body's seeming imperfections and to give them solidarity in that choice. It is meant to put women back in control of their own bodies; to wrest it from the grip of a patriarchal culture. Here are some links for you:
Yo! redux on why this is a feminist issue
Is Fat a Feminist Issue?
Fat is Still a Feminist Issue
The wikipedia article on "fat feminism"
A quick rundown of why fat acceptance makes sense (see also the Shapely Prose FAQ)
If you're confused about feminism in general, these FAQs might be useful.
Lilly – thanks hon! I hear you on the interpersonal politics on who you can talk to about this stuff. But it's hard – particularly when doing yourself down can be part of the toxic social environment that makes it harder for people to accept themselves. But so many of us struggle with this, and we need to talk about that shit to work it out in our own heads. Don't feel inadequate compared to your girlfriends, though. Regardless of anything else, everyone is more beautiful when they aren't stressing about food or size – a lesson I should internalise properly!
Zugzwang – Haha, okay! I agree that Faith is utterly gorgeous. I've had the good forture to work with her a couple of times, and she's even more beautiful in person
iwasrobert – Hrm. I think some part of your analysis is correct, but there's more to it than that. Look at the skinny, boyish figures that were popular in the 20s, or the fashionable wasp-waists of the 19th century. Then there's the fact that regardless of what body shape is in fashion, women's bodies have always been under public scrutiny, with pressure to conform to whatever the beauty standards of the day. That's been building up for generations, it's not a new invention, even if the current Western skinny ideal is.
It has definitely got crazier in recent decades though. I think society becoming less prudish in some ways is partly responsible – if it's more acceptable to reveal bodies in public, then you have more scope to influence people's ideas about bodies – and conversely, bodies become more public. But also, the advertising industry has just got crazy out of control, and the way it bounces off and feeds the entertainment industry, the impact of which really can't be overstated. I don't know what the answer is, other than dialogue and critique – bringing your kids up to question what they read in the papers, or the internet, or see on TV, to not succumb to the myths presented by advertising. But when so many of the people they'll meet in life do succumb to those myths, whether they acknowledge the fact or not, it's hard to be a dissenting voice.
Karl – if that's the case, why are all the most famous and best-loved international models supermodel skinny? Why are such a high proportion of popular models thin? Why are fat or normal-sized women turned down by certain studios because of their size? I appreciate the intention of your comments but I can't help feeling that the pervading trends of the industry suggests the opposite… although I intend to do my best to try and change that
Further to this discussion:
Blog post about Crystal Renn
About her upcoming book, "Hungry"
[...] Overall, I am quite content with there being more of me these days. Birthday money from my parents has allowed me to update my wardrobe with some fetching and comfortable summer clothes (including a new black pair of short shorts which do wonders for my confidence) and my lovers certainly don’t seem to mind – if anything, quite the opposite – which is really all that matters. However, I have my moments. [...]