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learning to let go

Posted at 23:56 on 29 Oct 2009 by Pandora / Blake

Tags: F-M, learning curves, reader stories, Zoe Montana

I was recently sent this true story by a reader. We were chatting about my first experience of a session with Zoe Montana and a male submissive. He mentioned his own difficulty learning to let go of control during a scene - to stop "topping from the bottom" - and how Zoe helped him overcome it. His story resonated with me, and he very kindly granted permission to repost it. If you enjoy reading it, please take the time to leave the writer a comment and make him feel welcome.


Im male, over 60, and Ive been having spanking sessions for nearly twenty years - my name, however, is not for release, as I would prefer the freedom to be frank that only anonymity can bring.

Over the years, I have enjoyed many sessions in which I have been spanked. Indeed, until about a year ago, that was all that ever did happen. There was a lovely tall blonde who would put me over her knee and proceed to warm my backside for as long as she deemed necessary. It was good, we got on well, and we both enjoyed meeting up and chatting afterwards.

Eighteen months ago she retired from the scene, and I looked elsewhere for the first time in many years. All of a sudden I found adverts for spankees and for switch sessions. Ive always been a switch, but Id never previously spanked a pro girl at all, and to be able to combine that with being spanked myself - wow!

So I answered an advert, and a few weeks later I met Zoe Montana, one of the many real enthusiasts on the London scene. Id written a very tongue-in-cheek letter to explain why I needed to be spanked - she found it amusing, and responded in kind. There followed one of the best couple of hours I have ever had. Fun, laughter, wine and chocolate, and both of us ending up with very warm bottoms!

I liked this formula, and used a similar one in several subsequent sessions, both with Zoe and with some other super girls, always enjoying myself a lot.

But after a recent session with Zoe, I e-mailed her to thank her, and, as an aside, I mentioned that I had never gone into subspace, as I have seen it described by Niki Flynn and others. I wondered if she thought that might be because I tended to brat and fool around in the sessions - they'd always been very light-hearted in tone. I was also aware that I tended to take control. What can I say - I know what I like, and these sessions are not cheap, so it was easy to let myself get into the habit of guiding things in the direction I wanted to go. Of course the bottom is always ultimately in control, but I always had a firm idea of what I wanted to happen during a scene - what would work for me - and tended to resent any attempt on the part of my top to steer me away from my intended course.

Zoe's reply to my e-mail was revealing, to say the least! In the kindest of ways, I was told all the things that I was doing that made it hard for me to really benefit in a deeper way from the session - and that made it almost impossible for her to help me.

Such is the generosity to be found in this scene that she offered to meet me in advance of our next session to talk things through with me. So we met and chatted, and she explained how I needed to let go of my control, to trust her. And I realised I did trust her - I know that she will create a great experience for me whenever we get together, and that if I relinquished control to her I would be completely safe in her hands.

So I did. I let her act out the scenario I had planned without any interruption, or discussion, or asking for it harder, or differently or any of the things I usually do. And it was fantastic.

There was nothing particularly original about the roleplay scenario. I came into my office and found her there searching through my belongings: Assuming her to be a new employee who I hadnt met before, I decided to teach her a lesson. I spanked her hard, on her bare bottom, then strapped her.

Only after punishing her did I stop to ask who she was. At this point I discovered that she had been sent by the head of HR to investigate a series of complaints made about me by the female employees in my firm. She was a specialist at dealing with male bosses like me - too valuable for the firm to let go, but whose behaviour needed to be changed. She explained that she had only permitted me to spank her as it gave her first-hand proof of exactly what I had been doing: now, there was no point in me trying to deny it.

We had discussed before the scene what approach she should adopt. I had said that hugs and re-assurance meant a lot to me, but I would also like her to be firm and strict. So I agreed to be punished by her.

She put me over her knee, and for the first time ever, I didnt interfere, interrupt, complain, or try to change anything about what she was doing. I just accepted what was to come. A very hard hand-spanking was followed by a small but severe leather paddle. I submitted to everything without question. It hurt, but no more than I expected. What I wasnt expecting, was something that had never happened before in in nearly 20 years: I started to cry. And once I started, it was hard to stop. In another session with another partner I might have felt silly, childish, embarrassed - but not this time. Her friendship and her expertise, together with my trust in her, combined to create a new kind of experience.

She was loving, kind, caring, and yet she gave me a real punishment. And she was skilful, too: not once did she leave her character. So how did she manage to hug me, whilst punishing me? Easy. She said, And these girls you spanked - did you hug them? like this? In character, she made me feel it was wrong and creepy that I should do so - but at the same time, the real me benefited from the hugs.

Original artwork by Ian Hamilton, reposted from Over Her KneeAbout half-way through, we took a break, and I was so emotional I just sat and held her, and she knew that was what I needed. Then she asked if we should continue, and I said yes. She had said at the start that I would be caned, and as she had not yet done that, I knew that my punishment was far from over. I also knew I needed to accept everything that she felt I deserved.

She tawsed me, and paddled me, and caned me. Now, usually I get well warmed up during the course of a session, and find I can take a lot more by the end. But this time that didn't happen. I felt every stroke, and they hurt. There was some significant ouching from me, and times when I wasnt sure I could take the rest of the punishment. But I was in her hands, and at no point did I ask her to stop. Id handed over to her completely, and it actually felt good to know there was nothing I could do. It turned out that there was nothing I wanted to do but accept what was to come.

It was a wonderful sensation to let go, to give myself completely to her control. To allow myself to release all the pent-up emotion that I didnt even know was there. She had said in one e-mail to me that she could help me discover what it was I really wanted out of the session, even if I didnt know what that was when I started. She was so right.

Once the session was over, she said to me - Now dont say you didnt go to another place there! It was certainly cathartic. I don't know if it was the place which others have described as flying, but it was certainly a very different place from the one I usually inhabit, a place I had never been to before, and one I hope to return to as soon as I can. Original artwork by Miss Francy, reposted from Over Her KneeAnd amazingly enough, I've been having very little sub-drop since, much less than usual - so I think I really did need to let go more.

So to conclude, Id just like to say two things:

Firstly, if youre a bottom who tends to take control (particularly if you usually need to pay for your play sessions), try giving yourself completely to a partner you trust, and you may well discover a whole new and wonderful type of experience.

Secondly, I do want to thank Zoe for all she has done for me. The e-mail reply that started me on this path, the wonderful intense session, and the long time she spent with me - both beforehand to help prepare me, and afterwards to help me return gently to reality. Thankyou so very much!


Many thanks to Clare Spanks Men, Northern Spanking and Over Her Knee for the amazing images.


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