Posted at 18:09 on 20 Feb 2010 by Pandora / Blake
Work this week has been hellish. I've been trying to line up enough paid work for the next few weeks that I can cope with losing a regular source of income unexpectedly last week; at the same time, I've had unpaid commitments to get out of the way, and I've been trying to soldier on with preparations for my new site. It's not been easy. At the moment I'm worried about being able to pay the rent, let alone having time/capital to invest in a new business.
Still, there have been upsides. Working for myself full-time again has been a joy, despite the attendant stresses. I really am a strange, proud, intensely independent creature and nothing suits me so well as being my own boss and working in my own space. Plus, I got my first film clip (custom job for a private client) finished this week, which involved learning how to do all sorts of exciting things, including audio editing and mixing. I even had a go at mixing a title theme for these clips. It's not good enough to use for my site, but it was fun to do. (I'm considering commissioning something from a musician friend, but I'm going to look at what's available to license online as well.)
My partners have absolutely shone this week. D. has been on IRC most days, fielding my stress with apparently limitless patience, providing encouragement and support and practical help where he can. He's taken time out of his own schedule to give me server-side help when it turned out the clip was too big for my client to access. (I've learned how to compress it more effectively this afternoon; another useful thing to know). He's jogged me to start work when I was procrastinating, kept me company, kept me sane and kept me motivated.
On Thursday, drowning in work and utterly overwhelmed, I called Tom to let him know I'd have to work late that evening and wouldn't be able to see him. My chronic back pain was flaring up that day - an inevitable result of stress and sleep-deprivation, combined with a non-ideal desk setup at home. (It's currently the best it can be without space for a proper desk; I'm going to sort something more ergonomic out when I move, which will hopefully be soon.) I knew I'd need to work until midnight or even later, so I was fully prepared for him to suggest it made more sense for him to stay at home. Instead, he offered to come round at the end of the night, just to sleep - or earlier, if I wanted, so he could give me a massage and keep me company while I worked.
I jumped at the latter option - being in pain never helps anyone's productivity, and Tom's a good enough amateur masseur to provide relief when my back is unhappy. By the time he arrived at 8pm I'd been doing solid work for a while, and was feeling much calmer. It was good to see him - there was some quite serious hugging when he first got in.
As soon as I'd finished my tea I joined him upstairs. The massage really helped; I could feel the tension start to drain out of me. I'd been thinking all afternoon that a spanking would cap it off perfectly. Being in non-erotic pain lowers my threshold for erotic pain significantly, but if I'm in safe hands and can struggle through it, endorphins are so much better at pain relief than any pharmaceutical alternative.
I hinted as much to Tom, and (although he was feeling pretty rough himself) he agreed. He gets as much out of this kind of therapeutic/practical CP as I do. I think both of us enjoy the everyday aspect to it - the idea that this is a quick, effective solution to certain problems in life - and is honoured to be asked to intervene in that way, and trusted with the task of working with my body while it's this fragile.
I lay over his knee. He pulled my knickers down straight away, and the first few spanks were hard enough to knock the breath out of me. I yelped, and he pulled back a bit, switching to light stinging taps that enabled me to start relaxing. It felt good, but it was tough to take. I was really jumpy, and the problem was that every time I tossed my head or started jumping up, it would strain my back. After a while I mentioned this to Tom. He rested his left hand on the small of my back - his touch was warm and reassuring. The spanks continued hard, but I tried to let his hand calm and ground my body. I think for the next few I just sort of tensed up and groaned, but he stroked me between spanks and murmured "keep breathing deeply, darling" and I felt myself start to physically relax. I took deep breaths, trying to release each shock of pain vocally rather than physically. If I cried out it made it easier to stay still. A few moments later I realised something had shifted in me. I was lying limp over his lap, and although each smack stung like anything, the impact wasn't making my body jerk in response. I whimpered helplessly under the onslaught, but my body stayed still. It was as if the energy of each spank was pooling in me, rather than making a splash.
Afterwards he gathered me up, glowing with pride. I felt pretty good myself. My whole body was relaxed, and the endorphins were buzzing in me, cleansing me. I'd needed it to be hard; a lighter spanking wouldn't have pushed me through the pain into that place of acceptance. For about an hour afterwards my back didn't hurt at all, and it noticably eased things for the rest of the day.
I practically bounced back to work, feeling refreshed and energised. Tom and I both agreed that my life would be so much easier once we're sharing a house, and I can ask for some spanking and time-out whenever I need it (or, if he sees myself working myself up into a big stressy panic, he can intervene).
There are few things more empowering than running my own business. But having supportive, sympathetic, firm Doms on hand to help when it all gets too much certainly makes it easier, and I am very grateful.