Posted at 20:58 on 28 Jun 2011 by Pandora / Blake
I was perhaps unreasonably excited by the opportunity to cane Amelia-Jane Rutherford on my last shoot with Spanked in Uniform. Mike asked us if we were happy doing any F/F scenes, and I knew that Amelia-Jane didn't enjoy switching on film. But to be honest, that wasn't the reason I volunteered. I've only recently tried my hand with the cane, and I've discovered that my love for the implement goes beyond power orientation. Spanking someone I can take or leave, on the whole (certain people excepted). I've done it on camera and for the most part, it hurts my hand and makes me feel foolish. The first few smacks are quite amusing, but after that I find myself losing interest and don't quite know what to do next. But put a cane in my hand and suddenly all those toppy impulses come to the fore.
Topping or bottoming, I'm confident with the cane. It's my implement of choice, and the more I play with it, the more new things I try, the firmer that preference seems to be. When I'm bottoming, whether on camera or in bed, the cane puts me in my comfort zone. I always know that I can take it. Used at full force, it will make me yell rather than murmur - but it still makes me feel secure, strong. That confidence carries over when I'm the one wielding it. I love practising my skills, the rush of delight at a stroke well delivered. It feels a bit like showing off, but in the best possible way. I know it sounds kind of stupid, but it almost feels a bit like holding a magic wand, and sending a rush of energy flying through the air and into the other person.
I still don't feel like much of a switch. Occasionally a service top; a voyeur; definitely a bit of a sadist. But when given the opportunity to cane someone I start to feel a bit like I think tops must feel. Calculating - carefully judging - empathic - wondering how hard I can push - curious to try. Absolutely riding the wave of a power trip. It's a taste that surprised me, and I entirely blame the cane.
It's not me. Not really. I just love the implement so much that any opportunity to play with it is good with me. And if I didn't love taking it so much, I wouldn't love dishing it out. I certainly wouldn't enjoy giving it to someone who wasn't into it ... but I enjoy the idea of giving the cane in itself, as well as simply the bottom's perceived experience.
I'd never done it on camera before, and I was eager to try. I was also nervous. I was bricking myself about the dialogue, and of course accuracy was a big concern - but so was pitching the strokes at the right strength. Amelia is a tough lady and she's taken some severe punishment on camera, but I know that she's not exactly a masochist; she feels the pain acutely, and I didn't want to presume that she would want me to push her. Keen as I was to try my new-found skills, I couldn't think of anything worse than going too hard (apart, perhaps, from going too hard and missing).
I aimed for moderately firm. I was so nervous my hands were sweating; not all the strokes landed exactly where I wanted them to. Amelia's acting is so good it's hard to tell how it's really affecting her, and I hoped I hadn't gone too hard. But I don't think I fucked up ... and nervous as I was, I still very much enjoyed the thrill of what I was doing.
Of course, Mike couldn't let an F/F scene continue without interruption; this was one of those scenarios where the "uppity" top (eyeroll) gets her comeuppance. I know some people who can't switch within a scene, but part of me found it a relief to hand control of the scene back to Mike. And the masochist bit of me was hungry, after engaging in a caning from the other side, for a taste of what I'd given Amelia.
I shouldn't have been surprised at what happened next. I don't think Mike had something to prove exactly, but he clearly felt the need to re-establish dominance - and possibly a prideful inclination to show me how it was done.
As soon as I saw the strokes he dealt Amelia, I knew that mine hadn't been too hard. I might have felt guilty, if I hadn't been next - but six hard cane strokes, somewhat cold (apart from the shoots we'd done earlier that day) made everything very simple again.
Thinking about it, I'm actually rather glad that I hadn't taken the opportunity to cane Amelia as hard as I could. I suspect that however hard I'd done it, Mike would done it twice as hard, and if that had been any harder then I really would have felt guilty.