Weekend hyperkinks #2

Welcome to this week’s only-slightly-late edition of weekend hyperkinks, in which I give you the best kink, porn and politics links that cropped up on blogs and twitter this week. There’s been a lot of good stuff lately, so I’m going to divide it up.

Theres a reason why sensual is in the word consensual

Kink

  • This one is just as much about politics, but it’s important, so I’m going to put it first. Kitty Stryker has done some excellent blogging this week on the ways in which the BDSM scene is inclined to turn a blind eye to incidences of abuse and sexual assault. Start with her article I never called it rape: addressing abuse in BDSM communities, then read Saturday’s follow-up, I wish I could safeword rape culture.
    “Every time we DON’T hold people accountable, and every time someone says my article is proof that I obviously was an attention whore who was turned on by being forced to do things to men I didn’t want to do, or that it’s my own fault for not knowing better, and that this sort of writing is a disservice to the kink community, we are proving the radfems, the government and the police right.”
  • Paul at North Gare has a thought-provoking analysis on the consequences of male spankers from the pre-internet generation (a category in which he includes himself) joining the kinky community – and coming to terms with their own sexuality – late in life, in Men of an uncertain age.
    “Crucially, not only were idiosyncratic BDSM desires not explored and understood, but the basic social grammar of relationship management wasn’t learned by direct experience. [...] Being male and middle-aged was/is no particular disadvantage, since father figures are highly sought after — ironically for the experience that many such men conspicuously lack.”
  • MayMay’s post Young people into BDSM are not exceptional was published in 2008, but the comment thread has recently been kick-started by a post from a 16-year-old who feels “wrong and weird” for having kinky fantasies. People immediately wrote affirming and helpful replies, including some useful resources for young people interested in BDSM. The discussion is worth reading.
  • I really enjoyed this article by Rachel Kramer Bussel: Penis Gagging, BDSM, and Rape Fantasy: The Truth About Kinky Sexting. “The point of fantasies is that they come from somewhere that isn’t always logical or rational. Some people might be inclined to investigate where their fantasies come from, what they ‘mean,’ but I tend to think of them like art, where there are multiple interpretations, where the point is to make us feel something stemming from somewhere beyond our brain.”
  • Not Just Bitchy eloquently argues against the ubiquitous uniform and attitude expected of dominant women in the industry and community: “This image of female domination actively turns women away from the idea of kink because so very few women can actually relate to it.”
  • Finally, I’ve read dozens of blogposts over the years on masochism, submission and pain, but I think this one has just become the comprehensive primer. One Sub’s Mission identifies three types of pain: bad pain, good pain (oh god yes) and good pain (oh god no), and as a summary it’s spot on. I particularly enjoyed this quote: “He is not simply ignoring my tears and my pain – he is drinking them in. They make his cock hard.”

Porn

  • Anti-porn has bad science! The Register dismantles the myth that porn-viewing leads to rape, and here’s an article on why Naomi Wolf’s ‘porn addiction’ argument misuses dopamine. “Both males and females find porn generally enhances their sex lives, it does not effect emotional closeness and it is not linked to risky sexual behaviours.”
  • You’ve heard about forthcoming .xxx domain for adult sites, yes? Violet Blue tells us why the TLD really isn’t selling itself.
  • And some personal news. Last week I submitted my story for the Spanking Writers Charity Spanking Anthology, a new collection of CP-themed short fiction by bloggers for a good cause. It was my first ever proper actual short story and I had an absolute ball writing it. I’ve loved the sneak previews I’ve had of Zille and Penny‘s pieces, and I can’t wait to read the rest of them. I’m particularly looking forward to seeing what Casey and Graham come up with.

Politics

  • Confused by the concept of “privilege”? Not sure how to explain it to people who don’t get it? You will find this article helpful. “Having privilege is like having big feet. No one hates you for having big feet! They just want you to remember to be careful where you walk.”
  • Finally, a couple of tidbits relating to sex worker rights. Laura Agustin has an article on why anti-trafficking agencies ignore the fact that the sex workers they “rescue” are often resistant: “US policy, which threatens countries with losing aid if they don’t do enough to stop trafficking, promotes ham-fisted policing … women don’t want to be rescued like this”.
  • And this is my favourite: The Can Do Bar: a sex-worker co-operative in Chiang Mai, Thailand. “The bar complies with all Thai Labour laws, including paying workers at or above minimum wage, enforcing a maximum eight hour shift and providing one day off a week and paid holidays, providing overtime, not withholding wages for any reason, encouraging staff to join unions, providing sick leave, and settling disputes in Labour Court.” Awe. Some.
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4 Responses to “Weekend hyperkinks #2”

  1. maymay says:

    I find it so incredibly fitting, so perfectly illustrative of the paradoxical nature of “the community,” that you would list one of my earlier posts as an example of how the community has its uses on the day after I basically condemned it in the most forceful way I have ever publicly done. Because you’re right, the community does have its uses…yet irony is clearly one of its themes.

    Also, I think this is an awesome link roundup! Thanks for adding so much to my “to read” list!

    • Pandora says:

      Ha, you’re right, that is extremely ironic! I suppose any community is likely to contain some paradox – needed, we are social creatures, but flawed and damaging – but both of those are amplified by isolation/vulnerability. The BDSM ‘community’ feels to me in some ways like a small village community, where you only have the people you live near, like it or not, and people will turn a blind eye to awful things for the sake of ‘getting by’, because if you don’t have those people you have no-one. Perhaps the village can be helped by people leaving, getting new ideas, and coming back. I really hope your park meet goes well.

  2. Thank you so much for giving my blog some airtime around this issue! I’m glad it’s getting more of a focus, and I really hope Maggie’s and my workshop on how to deal with abuse in the community works. I just can’t not fight anymore- to stand back is to let it happen.

    • Pandora says:

      At about 6am this morning I was lying awake composing a post on the topic, calling out one of my communities for the same thing. Not sexual assault in private play – I know it happens but none of my personal experiences took place within the kink scene or with people I met through the kink scene. However, there are similar structures in place that make it very very difficult for performers and models to enforce boundaries, or to publically report incidents. Everyone has to rely on word of mouth to share bad experiences, but those words can’t be public. It’s a bit of a different issue to the one you’re writing about so I’m not sure how relevant it is, but it’s the only kinky context in which I’ve had people ignore my boundaries, and it’s happened multiple times.

      Best of luck for the workshop – and kudos for taking action.

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