Posted at 01:54 on 26 Apr 2011 by Pandora / Blake
Last week I experienced my first over-the-knee spanking from the other side.
It happened like this. My friend Jacq, whose place I was stopping at during my trip to London, texted me asking if I wanted to accompany her to the local fetish night. Her tone was embarrassed. It wasn't a real fetish night, she hastened to assure me; it was, in fact, full of posey spooky kids and a bit crap, but she used to go to it a lot and her friends were begging her to come out with them. She wouldn't expect to actually play, since no-one else ever did, but it would be much more fun if I was there.
I was up for it, but I was already on the hoof and I only had what I carried in terms of outfits. The summery day dresses for the 50s style domestic spanking shoot on my first day in London wouldn't do, and everything else I had with me was similarly casual. The only thing that might do was my new Japanese-style school uniform, which I was taking to D's for a rape scene we'd been planning.
Jacq and I became lovers over a year ago, but we've never managed to quite sustain a sexual energy to match our mutual attraction, because she, like me, is very submissive. Neither of us is an experienced switch, but both of us are kinky enough that vanilla girlsex alone doesn't quite keep our interest. We agreed that in general, we both enjoy things much more with a top in the bed. I'd sort of hoped that we'd slip into a regular ménage with one of my boyfriends, but for one reason or another it's been harder to engineer than I'd hoped, and in the meantime I like spending time with Jacq, and want to find a sexual dynamic that works between the two of us.
Originally I'd wondered if we might find our inept, giggling way towards learning to switch together, but after a couple of almosts it became clear she didn't quite have the confidence yet. I started to come to terms with the idea that one of us was going to have to step up and take control, and that it was probably going to be me. But although I've dished out some straightforward CP-scene canings and floggings in the past - and discovered that I take a particular glee in caning an enthusiastic recipient - I haven't ever attempted erotic dominance in the bedroom. Approaching the idea as a newbie, I realised it was a whole different ballgame.
Jacq is very hot, I enjoy pleasuring her and I want to give her the best time I can. If that means topping, then I'm willing to learn. But she's submissive - she doesn't want to feel like I'm pandering to her; she wants to be able to submit to someone's sincere desire to dominate her.
As I've gradually gained some experience in the realm of whipping and caning the occasional willing bottom, enjoying putting everything I've learned from the receiving end into practice - loving the sadistic thrill of causing someone pain, but only when I'm safe in the knowledge that they want it - I've realised that I actually really like administering CP. It is, after all, my primary kink, and I can take pleasure not only in practising the skill of topping, but in giving someone the sort of experience I enjoy so much.
So far, so good. But here's where my head got in a tangle. Spanking isn't Jacq's primary kink. She likes power games, control, mindfuckery, rough sex. She'll submit to CP, but the main interest for her is the D/s, not the impact play itself.
In this complex, multi-directional feedback loop, where does the balance lie? My primary desire in topping is to give Jacq a good time; but the methods I'm most comfortable with aren't really what she wants. If we're both trying to please the other, whose desire wins out, and how do I avoid falling into the trap of purely "service topping" and thereby losing her interest?
I told her about all this as we were getting dressed to go out. She reassured me that while CP isn't her primary kink, it's still a kink, and if I wanted to do it to her that was enough for her. And I realised that actually, it's not just that I want to top her any old how, and spanking is simply my comfort zone. I can quite confidently say that on a purely selfish level I would love to give Jacq's shapely bottom a whipping. I'm not going to do it unless she wants me to, but the desire is definitely there.
As it happened, Jacq's outfit for the night consisted of an dommey black corset that gave her an hourglass figure and high black boots. With me in my cutesy Sailor Moon costume I decided that I had to top that night, if only to be contrary and defy everyone's expectations. Hey, with Gogo Yubari as a precedent I reckon the "Evil Japanese Schoolgirl with a Whip" persona has mileage.
The local fetish night was as dire as Jacq had warned. Glitzy Elvis lights around the upright cross - a pentagram in chains on the St Andrews cross - no-one using any of the furniture except to pose for their friend's cameras, a truly dreadful stage show and an awful lot of giggling. The DIY costumes weren't bad, but for most people dressing up seemed to be the sole point of the evening. I did get a bit annoyed with drunk people prancing about and flicking at their mates with cheap plastic "whips". A cute girl at the bar incited Jacq to bend over, but the pathetic tap that landed over her short skirt made me lose patience. Or perhaps it was the second vodka I'd just downed. "Oh, that's not how you do it!" I said in exasperation, and lifted Jacq's skirt (she stayed invitingly still) to give her a proper, fleshy smack. She gave a gratifying yelp, and I was too distracted by how thrilling it was to notice how my audience reacted.
"Ow," she pouted shortly afterwards, "that's all tingly now! You'll have to balance it up on the other side." I was more than happy to oblige.
Those two spanks were, as far as I know, the only ones to take place all evening (apart from one other which also involved me, as I invited a friend who was wondering if he'd be any good at it to show me what he had. He had quite a firm palm, as it happens), but they certainly whetted my appetite. The problem was that by the time I managed to tear her away from her friends, I'd had several drinks and was beginning to feel very sleepy. I started to feel anxious that by the time we got back to hers I'd have lost my nerve, my energy or both. "I do very much want to give you a spanking," I murmured to her on the bus home, "but I'm feeling quite tired. I might need you to co-operate."
She smiles at me. "I think I can manage that."
Home, and I'm suddenly feeling enormous admiration for everyone who's ever topped me. How on earth do I start? This is terrifying! I think I'm more nervous now than I was before my first ever spanking as a bottom. We undress and I join her on the bed for a cuddle, ending up on top of her as we kiss. I know she likes to be forced but I'm not up to that right now. I need explicit reassurance. So I ask. "Would you still like me to spank you?"
The look on her face is utterly endearing as she replies, "Yes please."
I want to spank her over my knee, I've decided; I want to experience that familiar intimacy from the other side. I lean against the headboard and help her lie across my lap. Even though I've explicitly asked for it, her obedience is gratifying and adorable. I'm honoured by her trust in me - not just that I won't hurt her too much, but her trust that I'll keep my nerve, that I'll go through with it. I'm acutely conscious of the myriad ways in which both of us are vulnerable, and thank every top I've ever had for taking that leap.
So: stroking and rubbing that delicious bottom, running my hands along her back and her legs. I know she's not had much experience as a spankee, so I start out lightly, her bottom bouncing under my hand. Delivering the smacks is easier than I'd feared, and before long I try a couple of hard ones, and am rewarded with some thrilling little yelps. The whole experience is incredibly exciting. Part of me wants to spank her as hard, as fast and as long as I can, but I restrain myself to the sort of pace I'd enjoy, keeping a careful eye on her responses. I suspect I don't go anywhere near her pain threshold, but I want to warm her up, to create a warm erotic glow rather than anything frightening. Her bottom turns pink very fast, and that's exciting too.
When, after a while, I can't resist the urge to give her some harder ones, I tell her there will be twelve of them. I enjoy surprising her with which cheek each spank lands on, and it's lovely making her squeak. Then I stop, tell her she's a good girl, and proceed to reward her thoroughly for letting me be so mean to her.
It was a tremendous rush, and I learned that my CP kink is just as strong when I'm not on the receiving end. I think half the adrenaline high, though, was simply from the thrill of having stepped off the edge, and feeling like I got away with it. I never really knew how much nerve topping took until I tried it, and I have a renewed appreciation for the gumption of my own dominant partners. But the biggest surprise was how exposed it makes you; how vulnerable.
No wonder this thing we do is so intimate; that leap of trust which is so familiar to me as a submissive really does go both ways.