How kinky internet porn ruined my life

Posted at 10:06 on 24 Dec 2014 by Pandora / Blake

Tags: ATVOD, AVMS, censorship, extreme porn legislation, growing up kinky, guest post, how porn can change the world, kink activism, politics, self-acceptance

This guest post by James was written in response to the new online censorship of many common, consensual fetish acts in UK porn. Click here to find out more about the law and how it affects us.

I was six years old when I first enjoyed a spanking experience. This wasn't a consequence of being abused by a parent, teacher or dodgy relative. It was a playground game where, without thinking, I smacked a five-year old girl through her thin summer skirt and found that I rather enjoyed feeling the shape of her bottom and hearing her squeal.

Although there was precious little in my life to fuel my interest, I kept on wanting to know more and understand more what it might feel like to give or receive physical punishment. My fantasies progressed from hand spankings to canes, slipper, belts, and just about any implement you can imagine. I tried quite a few things on myself but had no opportunity to explore my desires with others.

Every so often I would get an unexpected thrill from encountering a school punishment scene in a comic book, or a spanking in a vanilla movie. I would love to have had the opportunity to talk over my interest with anyone - ideally face-to-face, but by email or messenger would have been good. But it wasn't an option. I couldn't risk telling anyone just how weird I was. I certainly couldn't involve anyone else in my fantasy play. I found myself behaving oddly - spending hours looking up words in a dictionary that related to corporal punishment, and even more hours perusing the history section in public libraries to glean everything I could on the subject. Somewhere along that journey I came across a fairly scholarly work called The English Vice by Ian Gibson and learned that others (albeit probably a few very strange people) shared my interest, and that there were even adult magazines dedicated to the subject.

At a time when most of my contemporaries were enjoying their first teen flirtations, I held back. Put simply, I would far prefer to put a girl across my knee and spank her bottom than I would want to have sex, and I assumed, probably correctly, that most of the girls I encountered would denounce me as a weirdo if they discovered my predilection.

In my late teens I learned where to find of some of those magazines, and began collecting them avidly. However, they were far from easy to obtain - except when I was able to find a reason to travel to London and visit the Janus shop in Soho. The whole process only really served to emphasise that I was in a very tiny minority. The Janus shop was as good as it got, but I never managed to have a conversation with other customers or the shop staff, and I was never really sure whether they were really into the subject, or just doing it as a way to make money.

Moving on, I went to university and managed to still avoid getting sucked into a physical relationship there - unlike almost all of my contemporaries - for a reason that I was becoming used to. There was one brief glimmer when I think, with hindsight, a girl indicated to me that she might share my enthusiasm, at least to some extent, but I missed the moment and it never came back again.

So why am I blaming kinky internet porn? Basically for being about forty years too late for me. Because of my personal priorities in sexuality I've never had a long term and serious relationship, and certainly never married. Had the internet been around when I was growing up, things could have been so different. I might have found places where I could communicate with others of like mind, and get some answers and some guidance. I could have avoided some stupid decisions and some very risky experiments that could have had dreadful consequences.

Most importantly I could have actually embraced some real relationships. Very recently I've finally managed to make contact face-to-face with a lovely young lady who has helped me to understand more about my passionate interests and to appreciate how this kink really works. I just wish the internet and all its kinky glory had been available to me when I was growing up, so that I didn't have to waste most of my life living this awful, isolated nightmare.

And to the government that has now decided to censor our access to UK based materials I say: shame on you. You don't know the damage you are causing.

If you agree with James and want to stand up to the state censors who want to control what we can and can't watch online, even in the case of harmless, consensual kink, please sign this petition, and write to your MP asking them to sign the early day motion for a debate on this issue in Parliament.

Comments

This is a brave post. However, the tragedy of only coming to self acceptance and fulfilment decades after the first flush of youth is probably standard for the human condition. I am not convinced that pornography itself would have helped someone trapped in this way to find a loving kinky relationship sooner. What I do believe is that a sexually open, free, communicative, accepting, queer friendly, supportive, consensual and non-exploitive society would enable people to find partners sooner, be happier and stay together longer (if that is their desire, which is my understanding of this post).

I signed the petition because this ban is the canary in the coal mine, the marker for a swing to a more repressive society, including but not limited to targeting a kink that affects me directly. My premise is that consenting sex in all its variety is normal and a state that bans random bits of consensual sex creates for itself a means of repression through shaming.

This post and my response helps me realises why I like Dreams of Spanking. It is not as simple as it being titilating. There's buckets of porn out there that I cannot be bothered with. I think it's because Pandora and others create something with the feel of a sex friendly soap opera. I find I like these people. They seem to live in a fairy tale land and it's nice to follow them there on occasion.

So much of what James wrote applies to me. I somehow acquired my interest in spanking even earlier at the age of 4, before I'd even started school, when I put a similarly aged girl across my knee and spanked her.

All through my school years I enjoyed every reference and every moment of corporal punishment (of which there were many).

I graduated via a spanking letter in a men's' magazine to the likes of Janus and Roue and then began writing my own stories.

I had girlfriends who were extremely anti any reference to spanking and those who enjoyed our spanking games as much as I did. One even took most of my magazine collection with her when we broke up!

My life is yet another that would have been much improved had the internet been around earlier and I most certainly object to the way this government seeks to meddle in yet another aspect of my life.

An excellent post and one that mirrors my own experience in many ways.

If have been fortunate to find partners who shared or at least tolerated my interest in spanking.

I have waited most of my adult life for the type if spanking porn that Pandora and her friends produce, only to have it ripped away by prudish censors who have no idea what they are doing.

Just when it was all looking so good ...

Spanking, and more specifically, caning is something that I have fantasised about from a very early age. I would be told of how corporal punishment would take place at school in the olden days and I would genuinely wish that I was back there to experience it. I also vividly remember being fascinated by reading Roald Dahl's autobiography "Boy", where it spoke of many caning experiences, and whilst my teacher and the people around me in my class would say it was sick and wrong, the idea of it happening to me excited me, and as an 11 year old at the time, I couldn't put my finger on it as to why that was. When two or three years later I discovered internet pornography of many different sorts, I was amazed to find that spanking and caning pornography was in such quantity, and as I've pursued those clips, it has actually been of significant comfort to me that there is in fact an entire community behind spanking. I still feel that I need to keep my fetish to myself and also remain anonymous on places like here as I fear that my job would be in jeopardy if I was fully out in the open as society is clearly not accepting of the alternative (yet consented) fetishes. My sexual orientation is actually completely straight. I would always want my sexual partnerships to be with a woman rather than a guy, and yet my interest in spanking is in many respects genderless. I've never been able to get my head around it. Much though I would one day love to have a partner I could be caned by or cane, I am doubtful that I will ever manage to live out the fantasy. What I can say though is that I can satisfy this sexual caning desire by being able to watch videos of consenting people doing this in the internet and that enables me to live a happy and fulfilled life the rest of the time. If I weren't able to do this and if it weren't for lovely, incredible and strong people like Pandora, who stands up for her beliefs and liberties, and in fact the liberties of many others too (myself included), there would be so many good people living life in the dark feeling that there is something wrong with them. The awareness is so important - being unaware is a comparable to carrying a burden, and if you carry the burden for too long, it will get dropped eventually, and who knows what chaos that could cause! I know that anything that is unconsented or carried out on vulnerable people is wrong, and I would never force that on anyone but these films made by the online sites are all with consenting adults and allow viewers to experience a piece of their sexual fantasy that they may never otherwise experience in a safe environment, and thus live their everyday public lives in happiness.

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