Posted at 21:03 on 2 Apr 2015 by Pandora / Blake
Right now I feel pretty frustrated about the legal situation in the UK. I'm stressed about the consequences all this is likely to have on my life, and pessimistic about the chances of being able to successfully challenge the laws. When I'm feeling frustrated, stressed and pessimistic, to avoid lashing out at people I often curl inwards, seeking comfort and reassurance. It was in this mood that I posted the following tweets the other day:
That thing where life is getting you down & you're feeling little/subby & want domly interactions from your dom, but not to be a burden— Pandora Blake (@pandorablake) March 31, 2015
Currently nurturing an image of me naked, in high heels, kneeling at his feet with my head on his lap while he does Duolingo on his phone— Pandora Blake (@pandorablake) March 31, 2015
Or pet play. I could so be up for some pet play right now. I'd have a basket & a water bowl & I'd get strokes & not have to deal with ATVOD— Pandora Blake (@pandorablake) March 31, 2015
Talking to D about how I felt (before I posted anything publically, obviously) helped a little, but it was still going to be a few days before we could see each other. I distracted myself with work and cooking, looking forward to seeing my friend Kelley May who was coming by for a flying visit on her way through the UK.
Kelley was on her way back to LA from a trip abroad, and two weeks ago she stopped over on her trip out. It was great to catch up - I hadn't spent much time with her since my visit to Texas in 2013. She asked if it would be okay to visit again on her return journey, and mentioned that she might be interested in playing. Specifically, she said, "I don't feel like I could submit to many women, but you are one of them" and, well, flattery will get you everywhere.
I've played with Kelley before - on camera for her clips store, and in demos and group scenes at TASSP. Those public interactions don't always translate well to private play, but this time it felt pretty natural.
Her plane was delayed and she arrived late. We ate and snuggled, and clarified that we both still wanted to play. "I saw a tweet saying you were feeling little today," Kelley ventured. "Does that mean you don't want to top?"
I was surprised, because it hadn't occurred to me that it might be seen as a contradiction. "I can want both at the same time," I reassured her, "I'm multi-dimensional like that".
We are all multi-dimensional. Kink dynamics always exist in parallel (and often in contradiction) to our everyday selves. Kelley is a switch too, and she knew what I meant.
I don't know how many switches feel this way, but for me bottoming and topping are two sides of the same act. Doing one makes me want the other, and either can satisfy my play cravings. I've remarked before that my masochism is often self-sadism, and my sadism is empathic masochism.
My scene with Kelley was all those things. She was tired, feeling little and in need of someone big to make decisions, spank her and make her feel looked after, nurtured and loved. That was exactly the sort of scene I would have wanted that evening as a sub, too, and so the synergy was perfect. I was a service top, creating the scene she needed, and at the same time I was also projecting my own desires. I vicariously lived through her experience - and even though I was playing the 'big' role this time, I still found it deeply satisfying to act out a soothing, affectionate, big/little spanking scene. The next morning I woke up feeling as calm and refreshed as if it I had been the one spanked, cuddled and put to bed last night.
A little while ago, in an interview with Frankie Mullen for Vice, I was asked to describe the appeal of kink to someone who had never heard of it. I said something like this: imagine you and a friend are up late and you decide to sneak out and go on a midnight adventure. One of you knows the way, and the other is following. You both enjoy the thrill of exploring new territory, climbing over fences and going into places you shouldn't. When you reach a river and find a boat, the one who knows the way rows, and the other rides. When you reach a wall which is too high for the follower to climb, the one who knows the way climbs up first and then drops down a rope.
One of you is holding the rope, taking the lead and holding your playmate's physical safety in their hands. But you're both taking the same route. You're united in your glee, your sense of mischief, of doing something thrilling and secret. The shared danger and sense of achievement brings you closer together. You both climb the same wall, cross the same river. You're both on the same adventure.
When you get home you're both tired and scratched and dirty, and you make cocoa and collapse in a heap and sleep a deep, satisfied sleep. And the next day when people ask "what did you do last night?" you exchange a meaningful look and a giggle, because the two of you know that what you did was way more exciting than they can imagine.
That's what kink is like, for me - a shared exploration, a collaboration between equals who happen to have different knowledge, skills or aptitudes. Maybe the one following is the one whose idea it was to sneak out. Maybe sometimes you explore territory one of you knows, and sometimes you go a different way, and you take it in turns to lead. Maybe one of you is better at rowing, and one of you is better at climbing. You're both working together to navigate the same obstacles. Even if you play different roles along the way, you're both on the same journey, and you both get to the same destination in the end.