Posted at 10:28 on 16 Jan 2020 by Pandora / Blake
At 11pm, the baby was finally settled in the cot. I undressed and got into bed. Seeing I was naked rather than in pyjamas, Felix stripped off too. We pressed against each other under the covers. It felt like it had been so long since I'd felt them like this. Their familiar body, from the warm lean tummy nuzzled against mine to the soft fluff on their chest. I'd explored every inch of them time and time again, but lately it seemed like we rarely touched. I breathed them in.
I wanted sex. But... I didn't want it. I felt confused.
I missed my lover. I was dying for some romantic time, just the two of us. I'd recently done childcare while Felix went on a couple of dates with their poly partner, and I yearned to have dates with them too. All our conversations lately had been instrumental. Managing the minutiae of our domestic and family life. We were around each other a lot, but our work from home schedules and taking it in turns to do childcare meant we were more often doing separate things in the same building than truly spending time together. They are the best co-parent. But I missed my lover.
At the same time, I felt dog tired. My body ached. My skin felt itchy, and I was irritable. I felt alienated from my hardworking post-partum body, as if I didn't recognise myself. I couldn't imagine enjoying touch. Unwinding my tension and reconnecting with my body enough to actually experience pleasure would take hours. We didn't have hours.
Too often, when we have scratched out time for sex, late at night after the baby is asleep, I've struggled to get aroused. The tiredness, the pressure, our low energy levels and the constraints that make kink feel a world away... None of it is an aphrodisiac.
That night I knew I needed to talk about my feelings, I needed cuddles, and I needed sleep. Until I'd had those things, sex would just be going through the motions. I wanted sex, but I needed other things more.
My low mood had been building all day. I was full of self-pity. I felt so sad about never getting enough sleep, never having enough time to work on creative projects, never having enough sexual or romantic time with my honey. Now the baby was asleep. We finally had the opportunity for sex. But it felt too far away to be possible.
I felt shitty about 'wasting' precious time. But all you can do is meet yourself where you're at.
So I talked about my feelings. We cuddled. And before we'd even said everything there was to say, it was midnight, and we made a mutual decision to give ourselves the gift of sleep.
The next morning I woke up grumpy. I bashed about the kitchen making tea. Felix shone their sunny smile at me, radiating love and gentleness. In comparison I felt cross, sour. I wished I could be as loving and kind as them. I tried to connect with how much I adored them, but I just felt miserable.
Well, this won't do, I thought. When I notice I'm feeling low, I have a system. I texted my therapist to book a Skype appointment the next day. We don't meet regularly since I had the baby, but she's available if I need to talk. I drank a glass of water and took my vitamins. It's January, maybe I'm low on vitamin D.
We talked about it over breakfast. "I need time with you," I said. Being polyamorous, it's even more important that we nourish our connection. I ship Felix and their partner, but when my needs aren't being met, it bites.
We need to nurture our romance, our social life as a family, and our private sexual relationship. We can't just take it in turns to work and look after the baby, with me seeing friends and going to activist meetings while they have dates with their other partner, and expect our romantic partnership to thrive. We need to nourish it.
"Let's book a babysitter for a couple of hours once a week," I suggested, "and have a date night." Let's take the munchkin to the cinema one Sunday for a family outing. Let's organise a group holiday with some close friends. Let's use some of our childminder time to play rather than work.
As it happened, we'd arranged for a friend to come over that afternoon to do some childminding while we both got a little work done. Later that day I poked my head into Felix's room. "It's ten past four," I ventured. "D is heading off at five..."
They smiled at me, understanding instantly. "Fancy a quickie?"
I did. Oh, I did.
I popped downstairs to let D know what we were up to. She was on the sofa, our little one asleep on their shoulder. She gave me an understanding wink. Then I was in Felix's room, closing the door behind me.
We kissed deeply, hands roaming over each other. I soaked up the feel of them. Their lips explored mine gently, confidently. I closed my eyes, enjoying the softness of their touch. But I was still aware of the tension in my body. I wondered if I'd be able to fully relax.
"What are you in the mood for?" they breathed. One of our favourite questions.
Eyes still closed, I gave myself permission to want.
"Your hands in my hair," I whispered. "Shoving my face into the pillow..." Images danced in my imagination. I knew we couldn't do anything too loud. I knew we didn't have long.
Felix's eyes sparkled, full of promise. "I think we can make that work."
Within moments we were both naked. "Kneel," they ordered, and I took their springy cock into my mouth. It felt exquisite, smooth and velvety. My mouth watered as I inhaled their warm, savoury scent.
Felix wove their fingers through my hair. They let me drive at first, and then took control, sliding their cock down my throat with firm thrusts. I looked up at them, and thrilled at the look on their face: fierce, possessive. I could feel myself getting wet.
They bent me over the end of the bed, gripping and massaging my buttocks. I yearned to be spanked, but knew it would make too much noise. But Felix knew what they were doing.
As I felt the first blow my eyes opened in surprise. They thumped me with a closed fist, using the heel of their hand and the side of the fist rather than the knuckles. It sent shockwaves deep into my muscles, the ultimate thud.
Methodically they pummelled my buttocks, hard enough to make my hips shake. The thuddy impact on the tops of my thighs seemed to send vibrations rippling through my cunt. I gasped and tilted my pelvis upwards, offering myself more fully. When they beat me solidly in the middle of each butt cheek, I felt a pulse throbbing deep into my arse.
Each pounding blow made my muscles ache with pleasure, but the dull thumping sound it made was deliciously quiet. Far more discreet than the high pitched crack of an open palm spanking - and far less likely to wake the baby.
Felix dropped a hand between my legs, and gave a murmur of appreciation when they felt my wetness. Our scene culminated with joyfully vigorous lovemaking. I exulted at the glorious sensation of being fucked when I really, really wanted it, when my cunt was aching to be filled. As the sweet curve of Felix's cock slid against my g-spot, I squirted hot, slippery fluid over both of us; and Felix's ejaculation followed not long after.
We folded up the waterproof blanket that we'd put down ahead of time to protect the sheets, slipped off the condom, cleaned up, and cuddled close. Felix's fingertips stroked my vulva gently, offering more touch, but I was more interested in softly kissing their lips, whispering to them how very good this all felt.
Both of us agreed that this time together had been much more important than another hour of work.
D gave us a knowing grin when we rejoined her downstairs. The baby had slept right through it. I'm so grateful to have sex positive, supportive friends.
Today, I can feel a deep, satisfying ache in the muscles of my arse - a delightful reminder that our kink connection is right there, underneath it all. All we need to do is make time for it.