What I want
Posted at 15:00 on 5 Oct 2020 by Pandora / Blake
I want a femme daddy. A soft butch top. I want to be nurtured, protected, enveloped in softness.
I want to be spanked soundly, have my hair strokes, and be tucked up in bed.
I want someone I can lean on. Someone who'll say: stay there, I'm coming over. Who will wrap me in a blanket and cook me dinner, massage the knots out of my neck and shoulders.
Right now I'm spending all day in the caregiver role. I work, parent, keep house. I did the physical tasks my partner couldn't do while they were waiting for surgery to resolve their mobility issues, and now I do all the tasks they can't do while they're recovering. Since lockdown started I've leaned into my strength and endurance, my role as a responsible, reliable, supportive partner and parent.
I'm tired of being load-bearing. I want to be taken care of. I want to be picked up and carried to bed. I want bear hugs and orgasms and cups of tea. I want someone who can hold me in my smallness and vulnerability. I want a big spoon who's into my Little mode, who likes me cute and excitable, who'll lustfully squeeze my bum and kiss me pressed up against the wall. I want a giver with love and energy to spare.
Do I sound ungrateful? My partner is all of these things, when they're well. But chronic pain saps a person. They don't have it to give right now. I try not to complain to them about how their health problems are affecting me. I try to support them and be gentle with them and reassure them it's okay and their needs are valid.
But it does affect me, and I have needs too.
I wish I could get my needs met elsewhere for a while. Get looked after by someone else to charge me up so that I have more energy to be the strong on again. This is what polyamory is perfect for - in theory.
But how do I find the queer top of my fantasies when I'm breastfeeding a toddler and there's a pandemic? When I have to be home by 8.30pm for baby bedtime? When I can't take public transport and can't be away from my kid for more than a few hours at a time? When I only have childcare one day a week - if I have id at all - and I desperately need that time to work? When any dates would need to be socially distanced until we were ready to vapour bond?
I've always sucked at dating. I like to get to know people first, then decide if they're worth spending time with one to one. But right now that's not possible for multiple reasons.
And even if I could figure out the logistics, I can hardly make an enticing offer. "Hi, I'm really needy right now, want to date?" There's a pandemic on for fuck's sake. No-one is getting their needs met. Everyone wants someone to lean on.
Maybe my dream femme daddy top will just have to stay a fantasy.
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