I’ve just been looking through the preview pages for Chimera Bondage, the site I did the self-bondage shoot with last year which I found so challenging.
The webmaster recently emailled me asking if I’d be interested in another shoot with them, and honestly? Lovely as they were to work with, I decided to say no. It was a very interesting experiment, but it wasn’t for me. I may have masochistic tendencies – I may be able to fly, enter a trance state if you put me in the right headspace and cause me the right kind of pain – but at heart, I’m not a painslut out for kicks. I’m submissive. In order to enjoy suffering I have to be suffering for someone. For me to get a thrill out of pain, someone has to be giving it to me, someone I want to make proud. Causing pain to myself is an interesting psychological experiment, but there’s no depth to it. It doesn’t really connect with my kink.
Of course, I’m not “properly” subbing to the top or dom every time I take a spanking on camera. It’s not a deep emotional connection. But subbing on camera appeals to my professional pride. I want the studio/photographer/top to think well of me; I want the viewers to think well of me. Part of it’s an exhibitionist thing – I want to look good and I like showing off, being objectified by the gaze of all the viewers who want to do all sorts of wicked things to me. I’m pretty sure I’m good at acting in spanking films and I get a performance-related thrill out of that. But most of it is roleplay. I put myself into the head of the character I’m playing and I enjoy their helplessness, their suffering.
Logically, I guess all of this could apply to self-bondage. The photographer, the studio and the viewers are all still “there” – I still want them to be proud of me. I’m playing a character who is compelled to do these things to herself, who isn’t consenting to it. But somehow, it didn’t click for me. Tying myself up, putting clamps on myself – I could do it, and it was absolutely fascinating finding out what it was like, but I couldn’t connect to it from within my own kink. It was too self-contained. There wasn’t anyone else there for me to bounce off – only the photographer, who stayed as distanced as he could so I didn’t feel self-conscious or crowded. I guess I’m just not a solo performer.
That said, the spanking machine was, while slightly anti-climactic, nonetheless one of the most erotic things ever to happen to me on camera. The sensations were almost irrelevant – I was melting from the sheer idea of it! If I could do a shoot consisting solely of spanking machines without any of the self-flagellation and self-bondage, that would do me fine 
But self-bondage is such an integral part of Chimera Bondage I don’t think I could get away with omitting it entirely. I could probably do it again, sure, but I wouldn’t really get anything out of it, and one of the things I’ve promised myself since returning to modelling is to stick to shoots that really appeal to my personal tastes.
So there’ll probably only be the one shoot with me at Chimera Bondage. I found it a challenge, and I’m proud of it. It didn’t come easy. The photos and film of me is nowhere near the most hardcore or extreme on the site, but I don’t mind that – I pushed my own limits, and that’s worth something.
Posted in 
Tags: 
