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Q&A: Recovering from severe scenes

Posted at 22:00 on 10 Aug 2012 by Pandora / Blake

I received a great question by email recently, and thought you might find my answer interesting. I am sharing this with the enquirer's blessing.

I am a switch, and my sub side would love to experience a harsh judicial scene that includes a prison strap and cane. I have never gone this deep into the realm before, and I don't know what to expect. My conflict starts with my job. I dispatch trains, and as a result, I have to sit for 8 hours at a time, not solidly, I do take short breaks when I can get them. The problem is I really can not be distracted when doing my job. If I go to my dominant to carry out this fantasy, will I be able to watch out for the safety of the people I dispatch? Is this something maybe I should keep as a fantasy, and not do it for real?

Just for information, I was thinking of a "sentence" of maybe 25 strokes of the prison strap, and 25 strokes of the cane for a starting point. Maybe starting with the prison strap, so she could get me howling, then "ladder" my butt with welts using the cane.

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Tags: FAQ, judicial, kink, Pain4Fem, pandoras mailbox

26 comments

Out with the old, in with the new

Posted at 21:09 on 2 Jan 2010 by Pandora / Blake

Happy new year! I hope 2010 has been good to you all so far, and that the coming year brings you joy and satisfaction.

Graham has raised the question of kinky resolutions, and although I hadn't really thought about it, I realised I do in fact have some. Like Pixie, I don't like the false custom of new years resolutions, but I am a bit of a self-improvement nut and I put huge amounts of energy and determination into pursuing my dreams. So the new year isn't the only time I make resolutions, but it's a useful time to take stock and look back on what I've achieved.

2009 has been a massive year for me in some ways, and low-key in others. I've put most of my energy into work and creative projects - both kinky and vanilla. This has left less energy for socialising, meeting new people and lovers, and spending quality time with my partners. (I suspect I'll be chasing after that elusive perfect balance all my life.) I've managed to squeeze in more than I thought I could, but it's been a draining year as well as a successful one, and it would be nice to use 2010 to rejuvenate rather than drive myself further into exhaustion.

Still, it's been worth it. In the past year I have:

  • filmed with Pain4Fem in Slovakia, which included taking the most severe cold caning of my life



  • been a petgirl, and modelled at BoundCon - including doing a stage show, and playing with someone I'd only met that evening



  • experienced the bullwhip (not hard) and watched it used on someone else (extremely hard...)

  • played with some wonderful new people, including kinky sisters Graham and Caroline Grey (not at the same time, alas)



  • written and produced a film for Roué, which involved casting one of my all-time favourite spanking models in one of my all-time favourite fantasies (words cannot describe the buzz I got from this!)



  • started filming content for my own spanking site - a process which was slower than I'd have liked thanks to my heavy workload, but I'm pleased with my progress nonetheless.

  • modelled for explicit sexual content ('hard b/g') for the first time, also for my new site. This consisted of D and I doing what we normally do, while Tricia and her camera made herself invisible in the background. There was much giggling. It was extremely hot, and the pictures turned out way better than I expected.

  • edited video for the first time

  • met and made porn with Zille and Malc, people I have been wanting to meet since I first started reading Zille's blog

  • joined Zoe Montana as an "extra" in her private sessions, as her plaything being punished alongside her clients, although the gentlemen themselves weren't allowed to spank me. This was a thrilling and rewarding experience, not least because of Zoe's and my electric connection when we're working together. It's reinforced my impression that 1-2-1 sessions are not my thing, and there are probably very few tops/switches I would be comfortable doing this "cheat" with, but the experience was very worthwhile, and all the more precious because I knew it wouldn't last long.

  • invested my own hard-earned money on my new site, including buying cameras and related gadgets, hiring tech people and actors. Financial independence is a huge deal to me; being able to spend my own money on a new business even more so. It makes me feel thrilled and grownup and excited, and I wish I could afford to do it more often.

So what's in store for 2010? Well, although I'm a compulsive planner, in some ways 2010 is a big unknown. There's some stuff in the pipeline which, if it happens, will dramatically change my life, but which I don't want to talk about until it's confirmed. Some things I can be sure of, though:

  • One way or another, Tom and I intend to finally move in together this year. This is a source of great comfort and joy to me: living alone has been massively important and significant, but more and more I find myself thinking life would be so much easier if I could come home to him. Given how much I cram into my weeks, and his chronic illness, time and energy to play is hard to find, and both of us feel this would be much easier if we didn't have to plan and travel and schedule time together, we could just seize the moment when it arose. If and when this happens, I hope that domestic spankings will become a much more regular feature of our lives.

    Related to this is the fact that since our relationship has become less angsty and more settled, we haven't tried to rejuvenate the domestic discipline which was a feature of our first passionate fling. I'm older and prouder now, and less inclined to take instruction, but I still feel an urge to be submissive to my partners in more than just the bedroom, and I could certainly still benefit from a little instruction now and then. In particular, I think D/s has the potential to really help with my anxiety, and I could always use a little assistance with exercise and time management. (My problem these days is working too much rather than not enough, but balancing work and leisure continues to be an area I need to focus on.) I don't think either of us has grand ambitions of a sudden lifestyle upheaval, and I don't think I'll ever be a lifestyle slave, but we both accept there isn't space in our lives to develop this aspect of our relationship at present, and we would both cherish the chance to do so.

    Of course, with all these changes it is just as important to me not to compromise my relationship with D, and to remain as committed to him as ever. He's not as interested in this sort of formal domestic power exchange, but our connection is equally powerful. I love him deeply and he improves my life more than I can say. Whatever happens, I don't want to lose what we share.


  • My main professional ambition this year, of course, is to launch my new site. I don't know if this is achievable - everything is dependent on my vanilla work, which I depend on financially, and which (because I'm self-employed) is so unpredictable. If I don't have time (or funds) to invest in developing my site, such is life - there's nothing I can do about that except work hard, save as much as I can, and be patient. My effort and focus is not the issue so much as opportunity. I trust myself to do my best, and I understand that if it doesn't happen, it will not be for lack of trying. But I would dearly like to see all my work so far come to fruition this calendar year.


  • Despite working with many wonderful women over the years through shoots, I have never successfully developed a private D/s connection with a woman. My play with Zoe has all been professional - despite the intensity of our connection, it's never crossed over into the personal sphere. My girlfriends have, almost without exception, been submissive, and while I've dated some switches, I've never seriously played with a female lover. (The one exception is the beautiful and impressive Olivia Manners, but although I admire her a great deal, our first attempt to play somehow didn't really click, probably because my head was in a strange place at the time. I like the idea that we might try again at some point, but so far I don't think it quite counts as successful D/s.)

    All this is by way of build up to the fact that for the last few weeks, I have been enjoying an intense flirtation with a gorgeous toppish woman I have fancied for some time. We've done lots of flirting at group social events, stayed up late talking, stolen some tantalising end-of-the-night kisses, and we've even done all the sensible negotiation stuff by email (including my wibbling about how I've never subbed to a woman and ARGH what if my head is BROKEN blah blah, in response to which she said all the right things). In fact, so far we've done everything except actually play, but we have a date next Wednesday and I am ridiculously excited. She's as inexperienced with CP as I am at subbing to women, so we're going to be learning together, and our connection seems honest and playful and open, and all the omens so far are good. I will hopefully let you know how it goes - after checking that she doesn't mind me writing about it, of course. So hopefully I will be able to fulfil that ambition very soon in the year indeed, and spend the rest of the year basking in my success. We'll see!

So there you have it. How about you? Was 2009 a good year for you, kink-wise? And what do you have in mind for 2010?

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Tags: Amber Pixie Wells, Boundcon, bullwhip, cane, Caroline Grey, dominance and submission, Graham Grey, kink, learning curves, Pain4Fem, pet play, Photos, porn production, SM Circus, Subbing to women

7 comments

Strict Prison 4 now available!

Posted at 16:36 on 5 Mar 2009 by Pandora / Blake

Strict Prison 4, the full-length film Amy Hunter and I shot with Pain4Fem in Janaury, is now available! (And I've got my own model page on their website! How cool is that?)

I'm amazed at how fast their editing turnaround is. It's seriously impressive when you consider that this was the fifth feature length DVD I've filmed, and is the first one to be released. It's even beaten the Rou film I shot in September 2006! I have to hand it to Pain4Fem - they're nothing if not efficient.

I've already received a emails and comments about the film from a couple of early birds, ranging from the positive to the (justly) critical. I haven't watched it myself yet; I'm still waiting for my copy to arrive in the post. But I have seen the trailer, which I am now permitted to upload for your delectation and delight:



Here's the synopsis from the website:

Two young women in prison have too much time on their hands and start getting dumb thoughts.



They get it into their heads that they should try to find a way to break out. One of them fakes an illness in order to be taken from her cell up to the infirmary. Once there, she manages to obtain a piece of metal and brings it back to her cell mate who then proceeds to try to pick the lock of their cell door.



But in the midst of their break-out attempt, the two girls are caught red-handed. And that naturally brings about terrible consequences. It is decided that both young women will immediately receive a punishment of 35 strokes of the cane on the bare bottom.



But in addition, the girl who stole from the infirmary must receive 15 lashes of the whip on her back.



The sentences are carried out at once, and the severity of the strokes prove their effectiveness.





Neither woman will ever again entertain such dumb ideas.



Anyone who hasn't been following my blog over the last couple of months might be interested to read my posts about the shoot. In purely physical terms, this was the most severe spanking film I've ever done. The experience was affecting and memorable.

It's not everyone's cup of tea. But if it's yours and you decide to buy the film, I hope you like it - and I hope my mumbled dialogue doesn't spoil your enjoyment too much! And feedback is always useful, so if you watch it please do leave a comment and let me know your thoughts.

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Tags: Amy Hunter, DVD releases, Pain4Fem, Photos, Videos

6 comments

Strict Prison 4 - preview

Posted at 21:12 on 27 Feb 2009 by Pandora / Blake

A couple of days ago, Pain4Fem sent me the finished trailer for Strict Prison 4. I ended up watching it while Tom was here. I was tired and moody, but I wanted to watch it to see if I'd be happy posting the link for you lot.

"Don't get too mrowly," I warned Tom. We weren't watching it for fun. After the difficulties I'd had with the dialogue, I wanted to cast a professional eye over it.

He was very good, though, and didn't make any comments about how sexy my bottom or the caning was. Just watched me watching it, and at the end, when I tentatively ventured, "Well, that was okay ... I guess?", he assured me it looked really good. Despite myself, I think he may actually be right.

Sadly, I'm under strict instructions from Pain4Fem to wait until the DVD is released on March 5th before I post the trailer. In the meantime, however, they've uploaded some official preview pics to their website:



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Tags: Amy Hunter, Pain4Fem, Photos

5 comments

the whipping machine

Posted at 09:26 on 9 Feb 2009 by Pandora / Blake

The first few clips from the Spanking Server shoot are online! I haven't seen the movies yet - rather than giving us temporary memberships to the sites, they're sending us all the content on DVD once they've finished editing, so I'll watch them when that arrives. But the preview photos look pretty good...

This was the first clip we filmed, a bare-bottom whipping from the dreaded spanking machine. Neither of us knew what to expect, or how hard it would be. We knew the canings would be severe, but how bad would the clips be? We had a whole day of them to get through before making the longer film on the second day.

Unfortunately for us, the spanking machine clips are all about the suspense. I went first, and was positioned on an uncomfortable spanking bench the wrong height for my hips. I waited there while the machine was tested, making the most awful sounds. I flinched as it whipped the air for the test shots. Not having any way of knowing what to expect, the anticipation was definitely the worst part.

Amy had it even worse, watching me take my strokes as she waited her turn, and then having to endure the whole suspense ritual all over again. She looked really good, though. The machine uses rubber singletails, which sting like anything but leave beautiful clear marks.

My next taste of the whipping machine was a breast punishment. I love breast punishment. Love it rather too much to do it professionally, a lot of the time, unless I'm working with people who don't mind turning a blind eye while I squirm. I'm not sure the Spanking Server crew were wholly comfortable with how much I enjoyed this. It was humiliating, but also really hot.

Their photographer takes stills during the filming of the clips, with a clever gadget that stops the flash being intrusive. So all the grimaces of pain are genuine, real-time reactions.

We filmed this back whipping clip early next morning, before moving onto the longer film. I hadn't slept well, I was exhausted from the day before, and I felt extremely vulnerable as I was led up to the whipping post. That gritty, fragile confusion you get from nerves and not enough sleep.

I may have writhed my way gleefully through my breast whipping the day before, but back whipping is a colder, sharper pain, and there was nothing erotic about this. I pressed my face to the rough wood and flinched my way through the strokes. The first two made me shriek so loudly that they took the machine down to a lower setting. I am a wimp. But I was glad they'd taken pity on me, because all my attention was focussed on the judicial punishments scheduled for later that day, and I just wanted the clips to be over with as soon as possible. At least my reactions were realistic - prisoners aren't meant to enjoy their punishments, after all.

I hid in the back room and sipped diet coke while Amy took the stage. I was moody and nervous, I felt bad about not braving out the back whipping, and wasn't really in the mood to watch. Which is a shame, because her outfit was adorable. And she took her whipping much better than me.

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Tags: Amy Hunter, other pictures, Pain4Fem, Photos, shoot writeups

9 comments

lost in translation

Posted at 15:20 on 7 Feb 2009 by Pandora / Blake

I spent yesterday transcribing the Pain4Fem Strict Prison film Amy and I shot in January. One of their crew speaks English, and translates their films into German for the subtitles, but he had difficulty understanding some of our phrases. Maybe they were slang. Could I help?

Watching the opening scene, I quickly realised that there was nothing wrong with their translator's colloquial English. A lot of what I was saying was pretty much unintelligible. My character was irritable and impulsive, and my lines were either muttered under my breath or came out in a big rush. The acoustics of the prison set were ringing and echoey, and I had to listen to some lines three or four times to work them out.

I was pretty upset, and disappointed. Amy is brilliant, a model of clarity and professionalism. But me? I race, trip, stumble over my lines and half of them are lost. The dialogue was improvised, as usual, so it wasn't a question of remembering a script. I must have spent three times as long working out what to say next as I did actually delivering it. I would have been better off not trying to be clever, even speaking in clichés, if it meant I could be understood.

I'm also a little bewildered. I know I speak too fast in real life, but on film? This is an amateur mistake. I've been improvising dialogue on camera for nearly three years and this hasn't been a problem - certainly not to this extent - in any of my previous films. Although, you know, feel free to tell me otherwise, I know I'm behind on watching them.

The only explanation I can come up with is nerves.

We filmed most of this in one take, and I was not in a state of centred, zen calm. I was nervous about getting through a plot I didn't feel prepared for. I felt self-conscious about my character being the centre of attention when Amy was so much more confident an actress. I'd wimped out two strokes into the back-whipping clip we'd filmed first thing that morning, and they'd had to change the whipping machine to the next spring down. That had unsettled me. And there was a much more severe back whipping still to come. And the judicial caning, which I felt totally unprepared for. I felt sick with nerves and I fluffed my lines and now EVERYTHING IS RUINED and it is ALL MY FAULT. :(

I'm hoping that either Pain4fem will agree to my suggestion to include the option of English subtitles as well as German, or that actually the problem isn't as bad as I think and I'm just being paranoid and self-deprecating. However, just in case, I want to note for the record that I've got an English transcription of the film, so, er, feel free to ask me to send you a copy if it proves necessary.

Incidentally, I still haven't seen any of juicy middle bits of the film, containing the medical scene, the back whipping and both the canings. They weren't included in the clips I was sent, presumably because they don't contain as much dialogue as the scenes before and after. I suspect it's just as well I haven't seen the punishments yet, or I'd probably be whinging about those.

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Tags: Amy Hunter, meta-analysis, Pain4Fem, shoot writeups

12 comments

severity and intimacy

Posted at 16:43 on 10 Jan 2009 by Pandora / Blake

Thankfully, I feel much less traumatised today. I got through work okay yesterday, but as I left the building at 6 o' clock my exhaustion seemed to roll over me like a wave. I was overwhelmed by the awareness that I'd struggled through the last three days without any real aftercare; I was freezing cold, my butt had been aching all day and as I stood up from my desk the blood seemed to flow back into the bruises and make them throb all the more ... within a minute I was shaking and tears were rolling down my cheeks.

Luckily my friend J lives round the corner from my office. He is not only a wonderful man but also an experienced Dom and sometime play partner of mine, and he only had to take one look at me to know exactly what I needed. One cup of tea with two sugars and a very warm bear-hug later, I was feeling a bit more normal and telling him all about the shoot. He stayed with me for twenty minutes even though he was due somewhere, bless him. By the time he left I was back in control, and could cope with getting myself and my suitcase home on a rush-hour London bus.

The benefits of having good friends who Get It. I'm a lucky girl.

I arrived home to a very attention-deprived cat, a cold flat and a frozen water system, but Tom turned up shortly afterwards and made everything better (including my plumbing, which was above and beyond the call of duty). He gave me cuddles, made me tea and a hot water bottle, and even went out in the cold by himself to bring back takeout. I settled down to a warm cat rapturously re-familiarising herself with my lap, and an evening with nothing planned but snuggling and watching DVDs. Perfect.

I didn't even know where to start with telling Tom about the shoot, so I showed him my most recent post, and my marks. He bent down behind me, casting an appraising eye over my bottom.

"Yup," he grinned, "that's a good start."

"Impressive, aren't they? And I don't even mark much these days!"

"That's because you don't let me hit you hard enough."

My lower lip wobbled a bit at that, but I didn't say anything because I knew what he meant. I don't want the hardest beatings I get in my life to all be from other people either.

This shoot was a huge event for me. Ever since I first started making spanking films I've been aware of the hard caners: Lupus Spanking, Mood Pictures, Pain4fem. Niki Flynn is one of the first friends I made in the scene, and since hearing about her experiences with Lupus the question has been on the edge of my mind; is this something I could do?

I remember watching my first Lupus DVD with Niki and Cameron - The Noise. It's one of the ones that has an hour of story and build-up before the two brutal, swift 50-stroke canings at the end. It also taps into one of my favourite kinky narratives, that of the human spirit flourishing in an oppressive regime - and, naturally, the human body being severely punished for the rebellion. I had my heart in my mouth for most of the film, particularly the prologue and the part leading up to the caning, where the girls look through the record books of previous punishments, full of clinical and grisly "before" and "after" pictures.

I didn't find the actual caning in The Noise erotic. I watched with a mixture of detachment and horrified fascination. My natural reaction when faced by something sensationalistically awful is to withdraw, to watch it with more curiosity than emotional engagement. But the fear and anticipation beforehand? That was hot.

I'm still not sure if I'd like to work with Lupus. I love the richness and detail of their films, I love their political narratives and sense of humour, and after Pain4fem I'm pretty sure I could take it. But I'm still not sure. For one thing - and this may make me sound mercenary but it's a practical concern - their fee isn't really high enough to cover the amount of time I'd need to take off work afterwards. Pain4fem pay by the stroke, which adds up to more than my usual rate over two days (even after paying an unexpected 45 excess baggage charge!). I'm grateful for it, because I think I'll need to spend a fair amount of the next week processing the experience and writing about it. And, of course, I'm not going to be able to model again until I've healed.

If my plans this year come off and I start filming my own material, then it doesn't really make sense for me to be marked for six weeks unless the resulting film is one of my own.

So this caning was a huge milestone for me. It's something I've been eyeing from a distance for years, wondering if I can do it. I'd like to work for Pain4fem again, and they've invited Amy and me back in the autumn if we're interested. But after that, I doubt I'll push myself to this level unless I'm producing the film myself. And I think that's going to be Tom's only opportunity to take me this far while I've still got a career in spanking.

Even then, submitting to this level of caning from him would be a hugely different experience. It wouldn't be brutal. He wouldn't want me screaming and yelling in outrage, or crying and miserable. We might be on camera, but I think he'd still want it to be deep and true and connected. I think he'd still want to make me fly.

This experience was nothing like that. I was doing this entirely for myself. Peter is lovely, professional, and an extremely accurate top, but there was no intimacy shared between us. Not even the friendly, flirty connection I enjoy when working with tops like Paul Kennedy or Stephen Lewis. During the caning I wasn't responding to Peter; my emotional landscape was wholly internal. Apart from encouraging myself to be brave with thoughts of Tom, I wasn't submissive and I wasn't giving anything to anyone.

That fact allowed me to immerse myself for the first time in the more brutal range of my fantasies. My character was sullen, angry, rebellious. I had to sit and watch Amy's caning on camera, which I didn't want to do - I wanted to wrap up warm and sip a drink and recover from the 15 fierce lashes of the singletail I'd just received on my back. I know that people watching spanking films want the girl watching a punishment to react with horror, fear and anticipation written on her face. Well, I was tired and I wanted a break, and my character intended to give her tormentors as little satisfaction as she could. And, as I said earlier, emotional detachment is my natural response anyway to watching something deliberately traumatic. So I hugged my knees and stared blankly into space, trying to block out the cracks of the cane and Amy's impressively hysterical weeping. Curiousity got the better of me a couple of times, when we paused between takes, and I wandered round to get a look at the welts, which were long and red and angry-looking. But once Amy's punishment started, the dread which had been eating at me for days had fled. I just wanted to get it over with.

So I wasn't submissive during the caning. I broke, after a few strokes; I had no desire to brazen the whole thing out even if I could have, and I'd decided to let my willpower crack at pretty much its own pace. I wasn't performing for anyone. I stared straight ahead of me between strokes, and found it extremely difficult to interact with anyone when they paused filming to give me a break. I didn't yelp, I yelled - or, on the hardest strokes, screamed with rage and pain. And I got to fully immerse myself in the kind of truly brutal, miserable, unfair punishment I've fantasised about my whole life.

I don't think I could ever achieve that space with Tom; our dynamic is too loving. This caning was cold and hard and clinical and I took it in isolation. That was a massive part of the experience, for me, and I don't think I'm going to want to re-live it more than once or twice.

I was going to tell you more details about the shoot, but that can wait for another entry. In the meantime, here are last night's Bruise Update photos:



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Tags: Amy Hunter, J, Lupus Spanking, meta-analysis, Pain4Fem, shoot writeups, Thomas Cameron

15 comments

aftermath

Posted at 14:48 on 9 Jan 2009 by Pandora / Blake

Well, we did it.

We got home at 2am last night, after an extremely uncomfortable plane journey, landing in the UK in freezing fog at midnight and having to get a chilly night train to London. At 10am this morning I was in the office, where I'm currently doing part-time contract work. I ache all over, and desperately want to just curl up under a duvet. Preferably without putting any weight on my bottom.

Two long days of punishment, incorporating the famous whipping machine, falaka, breast whipping and much more back whipping than I'm used to, and culminating in the hardest cold caning of my life. 35 strokes, the last three of which were the infamous "very hard" option, which is in no way an exaggeration. My bottom is a delightfully gruesome sight, particularly the bloody welt from the last stroke which landed a clear inch above the rest, and was possibly the hardest stroke of all.

Immediately after we finished filming - photo by Amy

Immediately after we finished filming - photo by Amy

I'm already a bit obsessed with the marks, and sneak a peak in the bathroom mirror every time I go to the loo to see how the bruises are developing. I'm hard to mark these days, and these bruises are reminding me pleasantly of the result of my first few hard play sessions, back when Tom and I had just met.

Immediately after filming my bottom was red and pink and purple, with huge, solid slabs of bruise starting to swell under the skin. I was shocked when I caught sight of it in the mirror a couple of hours later at the dramatic black and blue colours that were starting to cover my entire ass. I ran back into the bedroom and got Amy to take another photo:



They were even more impressive this morning, the blacks and purples blossoming outwards to cover my entire cheeks, leaving a strange pale patch in the centre of each.

For the four hours of travelling the discomfort wasn't even sexy. I was shattered, and as the dopamine crash started to hit I felt like I was falling apart. Tears welled up for no reason, my hands were shaking and I desperately wanted a cuddle. I was amazed at Amy's composure, how calmly she was coping when surely she was hurting just as much as I was. I felt like one massive bruise, and had to restrain myself from continually whinging about it.

I still haven't had enough sleep, and today the dull ache in my backside is still not sexy, but I'm too tired to be annoyed about it. I'm focussing on work and looking forward to seeing Tom tonight for some slightly belated aftercare.

It's strange. The caning itself was an extreme, amazing experience. I felt pushed absolutely to my limits as an actress and a masochist. I can't remember ever screaming that intensely before. There was no space for moderating my responses; I got myself into character and from there it was pretty much completely involuntary. And at the time, it wasn't erotic. Not in the way the breast whipping the day before had been erotic, twisting my hips and pressing my thighs together to try to disguise my arousal. I didn't even think to notice whether or not I was wet after the caning. The experience transcended lust.

And yet ... even though the dull ache as I sit is more exhausting than erotic, even though I'm still short of sleep after the last two days and desperately looking forward to the weekend, even though I'm distracted by work ... when my memory flicks back to the caning, which I haven't really started to emotionally process yet, my body responds with an involuntary flicker of heat. I may not have been aroused at the time, but the whole experience of it was sexually charged, if only because of how frightened I was, and the memory of it is definitely hot. I imagine that as I achieve more distance from the event I'll find the memories even hotter. If anything, the continued dull pain of the bruising is inhibiting my arousal rather than contributing to it.

I was almost sick with nerves beforehand. I sent Tom a worried text, asking for reassurance, and he replied with this:

You will be fine: not only are you professional, you are also a horny wench :) I love you, and will be very proud of you. *cuddles*

I am very lucky to have someone who knows me that well, who knows exactly what to say to calm me and strengthen my resolve. As I was fastened to the caning block a part of my brain focussed on Tom, on what he would think when he watched the film, whether he'd be proud of how I took it. I very much wanted him to be, and holding that in mind helped more than I can say.

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Tags: Amy Hunter, learning curves, Pain4Fem, Photos, shoot writeups, Thomas Cameron

21 comments

to the east

Posted at 14:14 on 6 Jan 2009 by Pandora / Blake

Today I'm flying to Bratislava for a two day shoot with SpankingServer/Pain4Fem, accompanied by the delectable Amy Hunter. I've filled a suitcase with dresses, lingerie, tartan miniskirts, school uniform, over-knee socks and dozens and dozens of knickers. I've packed aloe vera gel, vitamin E cream, hairbands and a European adaptor for my phone charger. I've showered and shaved and moisturised, and dressed in comfortable warm clothes for travelling. (I always forget how aggressive the air conditioning is on planes.) I've got a couple of novels to read, and a notebook and pen for keeping notes for the blog.

I've been nervous about this shoot for over a month. Spanking Server are, according to Niki Flynn who is the only person I know to have worked with them, absolutely lovely, and I've re-read the chapter in her book about filming The Spy with them. We aren't attempting anything so ambitious, although I'm taking all of your suggestions with me in case they're open to ideas. However, I know that they pay by the stroke, with different rates for "hard" and "very hard". I know from Nikis' boyfriend Cameron that the four "very hard" strokes she received at the end of her forty-or-so-stroke caning were the hardest strokes he had ever seen delivered by anyone. So I don't know if I'm going to be asking for any of those. Even forty hard strokes sounds like an awful lot to me, who hasn't been playing much these last few months.

So I've been nervous as all hell. I've been nervous about the long caning in the full-length film. I've been nervous about language barrier, not speaking German or Czech. I've been nervous about the lack of info I have about the film, because it always helps if I'm able to prepare.

But all that nervousness seemed to burn away at the start of this week, when the shoot stopped being an abstract looming concept and became the work I was doing in the next few days. I've been sorting out travel plans, working out where I'm staying after our train gets back into London in the middle of Thursday night.

I was talking to Tom about this last night, and the thing is that I know it's always okay on the day. We'll have a whole day of clips before the longer film, and I know I can do clips, I'm not afraid of those. I'll be thoroughly warmed up by the time it gets tough. I'll have Amy there for moral support and someone to chat to in English, and if she can do it then I reckon I have a fair chance at coping.

And I know that the first ten strokes of the hard caning will be the worst. They always are. But the next twenty, or thirty, or however many it is - by then the endorphins should have started to flow, and maybe three or four 'very hard' strokes won't be beyond me after all, by the end.

Two and a half years ago I flew out to Mallorca for my second ever spanking shoot. I was travelling alone to meet people I'd only briefly communicated with by email. They mostly spoke German, and put me up in a hostel on my own for the night. The shoot was with Girls Boarding School, the couple who run the site with were wonderful, friendly, supportive people who were a joy to work with, and everything was fine. I don't even remember being scared beforehand, although I suppose I must have been. I remember it being an adventure.

If I could do that, younger and inexperienced with only one short clips shoot to my name, then I can do this.

See you on the flipside.

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Tags: Amy Hunter, learning curves, Pain4Fem

7 comments

prison stories

Posted at 00:42 on 23 Dec 2008 by Pandora / Blake

Christmas is approaching surprisingly fast. Particularly if you're me, and only started getting ready a week ago. I bought most of my presents online in a panicked spree, and am now sitting at home with one postal day left, despairing that any of them will arrive in time. That'll teach me.

What with that, planning and shopping for TWO Christmas dinners (one with each of my partners) and all the complexities of seasonal poly house-hopping, I haven't had much time to think about spanking films. Which is starting to worry me a little, as Amy Hunter and I are flying out to Eastern Europe in the first week of January to film with Pain4Fem, and I haven't come up with a story yet.

If I understand correctly, we'll be doing one day shooting clips and one day shooting a longer film. They've said they want to do a straightforward movie with a prison theme, using the cane and some of their infamous spanking furniture. I haven't been told anything else yet, and probably if I did no more planning between now and then we'd improvise a simple punishment story on the day. But Pain4Fem have high production values, and may well be open to suggestions - and I've been thinking that it would be a shame to waste the opportunity to make a truly memorable film.

The problem is that I'm lacking inspiration. If I think of spanking in prison, my first thought is of reformatories, Dickensian workhouses, Magdalen laundries. Birching blocks and dirty petticoats. I don't really have imaginative set-pieces based in clean, modern Eastern European rooms with well-made furniture and good lighting. Of course there are the classic juvenile detention, smuggling stories but I'd like to do something a bit different, if Pain4Fem are willing.

You're an imaginative bunch - have a think about it over the Christmas break and let me know if you have any bright ideas. I can't promise anything, of course, because any suggestions will have to be okay with Amy as well as the producers, and I don't know what limitations they have in terms of sets and so forth. But if you're familiar with Pain4Fem's work and know what you'd like to see, I'd be very interested to hear your ideas...

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Tags: Amy Hunter, Pain4Fem, requesting assistance

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