It was very strange, packing a bag with toys and BDSM equipment, showering and grooming myself, and preparing to leave the house - for the sake of a session where I was going to be the one paying, rather than the one being paid.
Normally when I'm packing implements to see a client, if I'm going to be receiving, I choose toys that I like. This time, I was explicitly picking the implements I hate. Playing with a trusted friend, I wanted to go deeper than I can when I'm with a client, and explore some of the sensations that make me more afraid.
In a way, it was relaxing knowing that this appointment was for me. I didn't bother wearing makeup, I threw on comfy clothes, and I didn't have to re-read anyone's emails to refresh my memory about what they wanted. Driving to Faye Summer's apartment just south of the river, my mind was calm. Rather than anticipating the appointment, I enjoyed the sunshine and listened to music, my thoughts clear.
Because it was my second year and I knew what to expect, my time at the Berlin Porn Film Festival was more relaxed this year. I arrived in Berlin earlier, left later, and allowed myself more time between screenings to socialise, eat and rest. Still, it was a full week - not least because the morning after I arrived, I had a shoot booked with Bright Desire.
Bright Desire offers smart, sexy porn shot for the female gaze, and its owner Ms Naughty is one of my best friends in the feminist porn community - not least because we were (until Dreams of Spanking was closed down by ATVOD) two of the only people running membership sites with regular update schedules, which set our production process apart from others. We bonded at the Feminist Porn Awards in 2014 - which is also where we shot together for the first time, filming Instructed, a kinky solo scene that went on to win the award for Best BDSM Scene 2015.
This time we were planning a couple shoot, and my co-star was up-and-coming queer porn performer Parker Marx, a hot kinky switch with a killer jawline and cute bum. Parker and I met at a party in London a few weeks ago, we got chatting about working in porn, and hit it off. After some successful experimentation in private, a mutual decision was made that it would be fun to shoot together.
My late night fantasies vary a lot, from things that happened that day to things that will never happen, and nor would I want them to. Recently I had a bedtime fantasy which was less escapist than my usual fare; more of an expression of intent. I found myself imagining the scene negotiation I would have with Tom next time we played. Our relationship has been very positive lately, despite being long-distance, but we haven't had much opportunity to connect on a deeper D/S level. We'd planned for him to visit me in January and I felt ready to take things a step further. Initially I was just thinking about what to say, and then I started thinking about the ideal scene we might play. It quickly turned from idle daydreaming to a full-blown masturbation fantasy - and yes, it was hot enough to get me off.
The images in my head were of ceremony, formality. I remembered the scene trappings from our intense-but-unsustainable D/S dynamic when we first got together nine years ago. The sheepskin rug for me to kneel on at the base of the Chesterfield armchair, the leather-padded desk chair with the curved wooden arms, waiting in the centre of the room with its blindfold and restraints. Remembering the delicious, heart-pounding fear as I walked in and saw it, knowing I was about to be caned, knowing it was going to be hard.
I told him about it the next time we talked. The specific formalities of our first D/S dynamic aren't available to us these days - too much emotional baggage - but it was the atmosphere that I yearned for. I also mentioned that I had a new butt plug and was very interested in playing with it, and experimenting with combining it with CP. The idea of thatfair kept me going until he came to visit.
It has been a hell of a week. The number of projects I can comfortably juggle is around four, and at the moment I'm juggling around seven. The last few days it's seemed like half an hour can't go by without something going wrong, or someone needing to talk to me. They are all exciting, interesting projects, but the end result is that it half past midnight and I am currently on a night bus on my way to D's place before our shoot tomorrow for Dreams of Spanking. We're shooting a day of couple nudes, spanking glamour and dominance/submission photos with photographer Matt Christie. I'm excited about the shoot, and was hoping to be a bit better slept than I'm going to be.
Still, it's a day I get to spend caressing and playing with my lover and call it work, so overall life is good. This last year or so, and especially since our seven-year anniversary in November, my and D's relationship has been full of happy feels and deepening attachment, and I'm looking forward to expressing that on camera. Plus it's the first shoot we've done together since we collectively got into fitness, and it'll be interesting to see how much our bodies have changed.
Speaking of D and happy feels, I wanted to tell you about my birthday caning.
Fun fact for the day: The word "figging" derives from the 18th century word "feague", which meant "to put ginger or live eels up a horse's backside". The purpose of which was "to make the horse lively and carry his tail well".
Thankfully, it's not live eels but good old ginger that is employed in the new film on my friend Nimue's site Nimue's World; and, of course, on a hapless maidservant rather than a horse. There's an extended free video trailer for this scene which you can watch here.
Kitty knew the rules when she agreed to the job. The Master of the house is very strict when it comes to inappropriate behaviour between his staff, and when he hears that Kitty has been caught in bed with the Butler, he takes matters into his own hands. He doesn't usually get involved in the punishments of the lower staff, but Kitty is young and attractive, and he seizes the chance to take advantage of the poor girl.
Consent is complicated, and playing with non-consent can be really difficult to do in a way that feels reassuring and secure for all concerned. This short film, found via Kitty Stryker, offers an awesome introduction to the complexities of non-consent play:
The "obvious answer" to the problem posed by this film is to use a safeword, but safewords can also be pretty complex. There's a lot to say about safewords, but right now I want to focus on the negotiation part of non-consent play.