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How to come to terms with a kinky sexuality

Posted at 15:00 on 10 Dec 2020 by Pandora / Blake

As I'm revising my manuscript, I'm cutting out sections that don't fit and posting them here. Become a Patron to get access to cut sections about my personal kink journey, and excerpts from what I'm keeping.

Coming to terms with yourself is a lifetime’s work. For me, it took twenty five years to reach the point where I started to really accepted the kinky sides of my sexuality. Since then, I’ve spent a decade deepening my enquiry, and introducing more complexity and nuance as my understanding has evolved. Rather than killing my desire, this deep dive has had the opposite effect. I’m pleased to say that my kinks have survived the process - in fact in some ways I'm kinkier than ever.

When we embark on this enquiry, we might trip over areas where our sexual desires seem complicated by our politics and our values. “I used to enjoy weird sex, then I became woke and stopped” would be a sad story. Luckily, that's not my story, and it doesn't need to be yours. I enjoy kinky sex, my wokeness is a work in progress, and the combination sizzles with delicious complexity.

The book I'm writing is a call for social and self-acceptance of kinky sexuality, and it’s a manifesto for consensual sexual expression and ethical erotic practice.  I’ll come straight out and say it, because you’re going to find out in the first chapter anyway: my sexual fantasies often involve coercion or violence. I've struggled with the question of how to relate to them in a way that feels aligned with my values. Even the thought of enjoying some fantasies in the privacy of my own imagination has made me uncomfortable at times.

If you don’t have these fantasies, and you feel horrified at the idea of someone getting turned on by such a thing, trust me: it doesn’t make us monsters. Just complicated humans, with complicated wants.

If you do have them: welcome. You’re in the right place.

Maybe you have sexual thoughts that you bury because you're worried about causing harm, or because you don’t want to perpetuate violent social patterns. I've met many principled, compassionate kinky people are concerned by the apparent disconnect between their ethical principles and their dirty fantasies. Tops worry that they are terrible people, and bottoms worry that they are self-destructive. But our ethical principles and our dirty fantasies are not only compatible, they can actually mutually support each other.

How kinky fantasies and interpersonal ethics intersect is a complex and fascinating topic. It’s not as simple as “Free expression means I can do what I like”, and nor is it as simple as “Hurting people is wrong”, or “Violent fantasies mean you’ve been brainwashed by the patriarchy”. The truth is, it’s more complicated than that.

I want to inject some nuance into the conversation. Self-acceptance - and even self-love - doesn’t have to be blind or uncritical. It doesn’t have to be based on the idea that ‘anything goes’. The most productive self-criticism comes from an exploration of our own ethics and values, rather than from comparing ourselves with social norms.

I reject the narrative that says because my fantasies are deemed ‘unconventional’ by the risk-averse mass-media entertainment industry, I should feel shame. I am queer, I am trans, I am kinky, and I am not ashamed.

It’s okay to be kinky. It’s also okay to critically examine our sexualities in their social context. Let’s do it together! I’m eager to discover what we can learn by situating our fantasies in wider culture, and using that analysis to develop healthy boundaries and ways of relating.

Creating a more functional, compassionate society starts with the self. Understanding, accepting and loving our whole self, including our sexual desires, is a necessary step to become whole, balanced humans.

Being kinky and principled isn’t a weird accident, or an unresolvable paradox. Rather than contradicting our principles, kinky fantasies can support them by providing a release valve for repressed desires in a controlled, consensual, and pleasurable way.
Kink offers us opportunities to learn about consent, intention setting, negotiation and boundaries - all of which are essential parts of the toolkit for healthy interpersonal relationships.

This is just a taster cut from draft 1 of the introduction, which I ended rewriting in different words. If this tickles your interest, join my Patreon and keep an eye out for updates on the progress of my book. I'm revising 12 chapters which fully dive into the details of how to come to terms with kinky fantasies - watch this space.

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Tags: drafts, excerpt, kink, manuscript, Patreon, patron

0 comments

Why we need to talk about sex - and why it's hard

Posted at 15:00 on 4 Dec 2020 by Pandora / Blake


 

For many people, sex is uniquely confronting. Many of us carry trauma, baggage or shame about sex. These difficult feelings make sex hard for us to talk about.
 

Where do this traumas and discomforts come from? They come from a society which is deeply dysfunctional about sex. In this post I'm going to talk about the post-colonial Anglophone culture of North America, Canada, the UK and Australia, but some aspects of human culture are distributed throughout the globe, and a lot of it applies to other societies and countries too.
 

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Tags: BDSM, boundaries, communication, consent, kink, queer, sex positivity, sexual freedom, sexual liberty, sexuality, shame resilience, trans, trauma

3 comments

How the word "kinky" helps tackle BDSM stigma

Posted at 09:50 on 18 Nov 2020 by Pandora / Blake

As I'm revising my manuscript, I'm cutting out the sections that don't quite fit and posting them here. Become a Patron to get access to cut sections about my personal kink, and excerpts from what I'm keeping.

 


The word ‘kinky’ is a useful one. It sounds reassuringly harmless: playful, quirky and unthreatening. It’s my preferred term when I’m discussing my fetishes with people who don’t share them. (We can move on to the question of whether or not we want to reclaim ‘pervert’ later.)
 

I never imagined I’d talk about my kinks outside of my close-knit fetish community - let alone write a book about them. It’s an endless source of surprise to me that I find myself doing this.

 

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Tags: advocacy, BDSM, book, cut section, fetish, freedom of expression, kink, sex, sex positivity, sexual freedom, sexual liberty, sexuality

8 comments

Good boy

Posted at 15:00 on 14 Sep 2020 by Pandora / Blake

I'm bent over the sofa, naked. My lover is punching my arse. Every thump sends deep vibrations echoing through my body. They would be spanking me if they could, but it would wake the baby. Punching is quieter.

This is the first time our little one has napped without being held. They're one year old. During lockdown, without any outside support and with a baby who only sleeps on my body, we've had barely any opportunities for adult play between the two of us.

I've been craving a beating for months. This is the first chance we've had.

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Tags: cunt punching, dominance and submission, Felix, gender, gender euphoria, genderqueer, impact play, kink, non-binary, parenting, play, punch play, trans, transgender

4 comments

Blake Presents

Posted at 14:15 on 21 May 2020 by Pandora / Blake

Did you know that spanking isn’t the only kind of porn I make? It’s my first love, of course, but it’s not my only kink.

A while back I found myself itching to film some different content and explore some of my other interests on camera. Much of it wouldn’t have been at home on Dreams of Spanking, though - so I opened Blake Presents, a side-project studio focused entirely on doing whatever the hell I like.

Banner for Blake Presents. Blake is a slim white person who is naked in blue water with a small smile on their face and two perky nipples poking out above the water. The words Blake Presents run across their body, just like your hands want to.

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Tags: DIY porn, femdom, kink, masturbation, Nimue Allen, Porn, queer porn, strap-on

16 comments

Rekindling

Posted at 10:28 on 16 Jan 2020 by Pandora / Blake

At 11pm, the baby was finally settled in the cot. I undressed and got into bed. Seeing I was naked rather than in pyjamas, Felix stripped off too. We pressed against each other under the covers. It felt like it had been so long since I'd felt them like this. Their familiar body, from the warm lean tummy nuzzled against mine to the soft fluff on their chest. I'd explored every inch of them time and time again, but lately it seemed like we rarely touched. I breathed them in.

I wanted sex. But... I didn't want it. I felt confused.

I missed my lover. I was dying for some romantic time, just the two of us. I'd recently done childcare while Felix went on a couple of dates with their poly partner, and I yearned to have dates with them too. All our conversations lately had been instrumental. Managing the minutiae of our domestic and family life. We were around each other a lot, but our work from home schedules and taking it in turns to do childcare meant we were more often doing separate things in the same building than truly spending time together. They are the best co-parent. But I missed my lover.

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Tags: Felix, kink, love, punch play, spanking, submission

133 comments

Post-partum physicality

Posted at 14:31 on 3 Sep 2019 by Pandora / Blake

My baby arrived in early July, two days early, after a day and a half of labour. They're now eight weeks old, and we're entering the final month of the "fourth trimester". We're both in good health, and words can't express the enormity, joy and transformation of the last two months.

Human babies are born less ready to survive in the world than any other mammals, and their brains are very undeveloped when they're born. If it wasn't for the pesky ratio of pelvis size to head circumference, we'd gestate them until they were ready to move around independently, like calves and puppies can. But as it is, we have this unique experience of a parent/child bond during these first few months where I am, in a very real way, an extension of their body - they physically need me to survive. It's part of the magnitude of the experience that I'm beholden to them 24/7 for sustenance, hydration, ablutions, movement, temperature regulation, and physical closeness. I've been reading various books on parenting and the neuroscience of brain development that emphasise how important cuddles are - and talking, singing, play and other forms of parent/child interaction - for cognitive and social development in early life. Which is good, because I really like cuddles, and snuggling my baby is an indescribably wonderful feeling.

Babywearing - carrying my child around on my front in a sling - has transformed my experience. Being able to hold my baby in a close embrace, rock and soothe them, while freeing up my hands to do other things ({like type this blogpost) is a game changer. I'm currently sitting with my laptop at the kitchen table, bouncing on the yoga ball.

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Tags: body positivity, kink, parenthood, play, post-partum

153 comments

Playing with Faye Summers

Posted at 14:40 on 6 Jul 2019 by Pandora / Blake

It was very strange, packing a bag with toys and BDSM equipment, showering and grooming myself, and preparing to leave the house - for the sake of a session where I was going to be the one paying, rather than the one being paid.

Normally when I'm packing implements to see a client, if I'm going to be receiving, I choose toys that I like. This time, I was explicitly picking the implements I hate. Playing with a trusted friend, I wanted to go deeper than I can when I'm with a client, and explore some of the sensations that make me more afraid. 

In a way, it was relaxing knowing that this appointment was for me. I didn't bother wearing makeup, I threw on comfy clothes, and I didn't have to re-read anyone's emails to refresh my memory about what they wanted. Driving to Faye Summer's apartment just south of the river, my mind was calm. Rather than anticipating the appointment, I enjoyed the sunshine and listened to music, my thoughts clear.

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Tags: anal, BDSM, bondage, breast play, kink, pregnancy, sex in pregnancy, spanking, submission, tawse, wooden paddle

150 comments

The sex worker's sex worker

Posted at 19:22 on 25 Jun 2019 by Pandora / Blake

A few weeks ago I sent a nerve-wracking email.

For a few years now, I've been thinking about hiring a sex worker. I've been inspired by the wonderful women and queer folx who have booked me for sessions: our culture makes it a lot easier for men to honour their sexual needs and seek out ways of getting them met than people of other genders, particularly people who have experienced misogyny and slut-shaming. I really admire it when a woman or non-binary person comes to me, knowing what they want, and with enough self-esteem to think they deserve to get it. It made me wonder if this would be something I might do for myself one day.

The problem, as I saw it, was that as a sex worker myself, all of the suitable candidates I could think of - who I knew I could trust with my body and my fantasies - were friends and colleagues. Some of them friends I hadn't dated, some of them friends I had. Part of the professionalism of sex work, for me, is to maintain distinct boundaries between my clients and my social life, in order to manage everyone's expectations and make sure I'm not giving too much. So it seemed the idea was a non-starter - even though I felt like it might be a really cool experience to be on the other side for once.

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Tags: boundaries, kink, sex work, submission

125 comments

When life gives you lemons

Posted at 13:10 on 14 May 2019 by Pandora / Blake

I got to try something new the other day.

The gentleman I was playing with is someone I've seen a number of times over the last four years. He likes hard canings straight from cold - with occasional birchings and tawsings thrown in for good measure. I thought I knew what was coming. Imagine my face when he reaches into his bag at the start of the session and brings out - a pack of unwaxed lemons.

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Tags: cane, kink, sessions

77 comments

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