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Plans are afoot (although not - yet - legwarmers)

Posted at 02:19 on 25 Jan 2011 by Pandora / Blake

This morning, as I emailed D my daily report on the previous day's drinking (one pint of berry cider, for the curious) I asked him a question which came up while I was swimming yesterday. How about if I listed my exercise along with the booze? No pressure to add it to the D/s deal, but I'm picking up my fitness schedule at the moment and I want to keep track. Since I was sending these emails anyway, it seemed easiest to roll it in, if he didn't mind?

Happy to keep notes, he replied, also happy to discuss how you might be held accountable for keeping at it. Thrills.

This evening, I got online to an email entitled 'Instructions'. I'm to bring a school uniform with me this weekend. Not the sexy brat kind, the authentic kind. White knickers. Flat shoes.

Things progress apace.

It's astonishing how well long-distance (well, relatively; different towns, but only 2 hours away) has suited us these last few months. Seeing each other is a treat; in between we miss each other like crazy. It's not just the distance; our communication is the best it's ever been, we're confident with each other, and every good experience swells the positive feedback loop. But the distance, the missing, wanting what we can't have, sending each other horny text messages when we're not seeing each other for days - it gives it that urgency, that edge.

In chat this evening, he enquired whether asking for spanking would ruin the experience for me. I was surprised by the question - surely I've blogged enough about asking for a spanking over the years? - but thinking about it, I realised I've done that with Tom far more than with D. Partly because D's topping style is so spontaneous; partly because our communication about sex has only recently become so fluent, and in past years I was more insecure and afraid of rejection, and less articulate about my wants. Partly because D has, historically, been more into mindfucks than beating me - has treated my penchant for CP with a wry amusement - and I didn't want to impose my kink on him too much.

But the positive feedback loop seems to have done its stuff. D's confidence has grown with experience - specifically, his confidence that I really do enjoy it - and that knowledge seems to have fed his sadism in a direct way. He's more interested in spanking me, and, apparently, he's also interested in being asked explicitly when I want it. He's always encouraged me to talk filthy. He likes it, especially if I feel shy and end up squirming.

In answer to his question I said that spanking works for me with a myriad different headspaces. Wanting to please, but finding this implement difficult. Sexy, enthusiastic, loving it. Immersed in subspace, flying high. Playful and laughing, mock-hating it. Roleplay scenes. Punishments. Edgy and emotionally difficult scenes in which I'm pushed.

I enjoy all of these, but only some of them are compatible with asking for a spanking. If I've asked, the consent is made explicit - it's difficult to play with non-consent after that point. So yes, asking for a spanking is great if I want a playful, sensual scene - but for the D/s to get intense the control has to be out of my hands. The only way an asked-for spanking could become edgy is if the top turns the tables on me and gives me more than I expected, an implement I didn't ask for; starts to make me regret having asked in the first place. Which ... would be hot.

"Even if I want and ask for a spanking," I said, "there are some types of pain that are just going to push me. Like anal sex."

D grinned.

As I've mentioned before, anal play has been off-limits for a while for health reasons. Nothing serious - just fragile skin that tore (frustratingly, not during any sexy escapades) but has taken over a year to heal up. Much patient nursing has paid off and lately, it's felt it might be possible again.

D has been teasing me with the idea accordingly, as any self-respecting sadist would. Somehow, I guessed that this whole schoolgirl plan might have something to do with my recently healed, pseudo-inexperienced arse. The image made me shiver with arousal and fear.

He confirmed my impressions as soon as the topic came up. "I tell you this now," he said smugly, "so you can agonise about it for the rest of the week."

"Waaay ahead of you."

"I hope my housemates are out. I'd like to hear you screaming for me."

I visualised myself, white knee socks, innocently flat heeled shoes, white school blouse. White knickers puddled around my ankles. Being spanked, the fantasy remained demure. But this ... I would be frightened, struggling, sweaty. School tie around my wrists, perhaps? Knickers stuffed in my mouth?

"Pity I don't have a Japanese school uniform," I quipped, disguising my flutters of erotic fear with flippancy. "I'm going to feel like a manga character."

By mutual unspoken agreement, within a minute we were both browsing Ebay.

I've also developed a sudden desire to own legwarmers, one pair black, one white:

Neither could arrive by this weekend, but the English schoolgirl has her own appeal. And it's nice to have more than one thing to look forward to.


So I asked D if he wanted me to play a schoolgirl, or a grownup woman wearing a school uniform. He considered the question happily for a moment before replying that a schoolgirl would be fun. Now, our previous attempts at non-consent roleplay have been very sexual, and my ability to pretend to be suffering goes out the window once penetration is concerned. But since then I've had more practice at roleplaying, and the idea of being a very scared, very helpless, very punished schoolgirl who doesn't know what's happening to her and feels horribly dirty and violated is a fantasy that appeals. I sent D a link to Mr Defeu's extremely hot "punishment plus" story when it was posted, and he apparently found it as hot as I did.

I also like the idea of being an older schoolgirl, daring to ask for what she wants. But roleplay is where it's easiest to play with non-consent, and the little girl image appeals right now, especially in the context of the violation fantasy.

The only question remaining was, who would D be? With his long hair, tattoos and cat eyes he's not the classic authority figure. My wicked uncle? My perverted biker uncle, the black sheep of the family. Not uncle. Guardian, perhaps. I'd definitely find roleplay easier if I wasn't the only one in character; and the rougher and meaner he was, the easier I'd find it to take the pain.

To my surprised delight, and despite some understandable self-consciousness, he's game to try playing a role. I don't know what sort of shape it might be, but it wouldn't be D without some spontaneity. I'm looking forward to being surprised.

Pictures of Zille Defeu provided by the incomparable Northern Spanking. Thankyou for providing such hot fantasy fodder!

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Tags: D, dominance and submission, Fantasies, kink, learning curves, Northern Spanking, other pictures, school uniform, Zille Defeu


2010 redux, 2011 resolutions

Posted at 17:47 on 3 Jan 2011 by Pandora / Blake

Happy new year, kinksters! How's 2011 shaping up for you so far? I've had a lovely, low-key few days, mostly taken up with cooking and housework, but also picking up the project threads laid aside over Christmas, scenting that new year energy on the wind.

Twelve months ago I wrote a long kinky retrospective on the year just gone. The picture that emerged was of a whirlwind of work and creative projects, at the expense of personal time and private explorations.

My resolutions were a bit long-winded, but they boiled down to four key points for improvement. Did I manage to achieve them in 2010?

1. For Tom and I to move in together, and hopefully find more time for play and domestic discipline as a result.

A half win. Most of this year has been dominated by Tom's new business start-up, which is currently struggling through its first winter but hasn't gone bust yet. I've given an awful lot of time to it, but he's given more. While in many ways he is much happier and the changes have improved both our lives, the stress of starting a new business has been very detrimental to his physical health.

Our partnership has grown and strengthened - we've had some rough patches, worked through them, and right now are greatly enjoying each other and the prospect of a shared future. Living with him, getting to see so much more of him, sharing so many experiences with him, has been great. But sex and play have been off his radar for most of the last six months. Polyamory (and lots of talking) has helped me learn patience without pressuring him, but I'll have to wait a little longer before improvements start spilling over into our shared sex and kink life.

That said, Tom and I have had a couple of epic threesomes this year, a fun video shoot with Ludwig and Kaelah, and a brilliant photoshoot with Adele and Jimmy - plus a few memorable play evenings regardless. So I can't complain too much.

As for increased D/s structure - Tom has been willing but we've both been aware of his limits, and he hasn't needed me to burden him with extra responsibility. Strangely enough I've recently started exploring this side of things with D, which is new for us. More on that later.

2. To launch my new site.

Nope, pretty much entirely for the above reasons. I've given half my year to Tom's business, and the rest of my time has been taken up by earning a living, political activism, and doing less of that overworking thing, and more of that resting and socialising thing. (Ha! Well, a bit.)

That said, I've turned things around in the last 6 weeks and have been throwing myself at the project every spare moment I have. I have plans for fundraising and investment, I've made progress with editing, post-production and brand development, I've got money put aside for the site build and I've had a couple of great shoots. I may not have achieved my aim, but I'm leaving the year feeling motivated, driven and totally fired up about this project, and I'm confident that one way or another, I can make it happen, on my own terms and in my own time.

If I make one kinky resolution for the year ahead, this is it.

3. Develop a private D/s connection with a woman (specifically, with the lovely Penny D) and generally enjoy kinky play with more ladies.

I'm happy to report that 2010 was a total win on this front. I'm going into 2011 on the arm of a dominant lady as well as my lovely men, and Penny and I have had all sorts of good times together this year, including an outing to Club Subversion. I've enjoyed bottoming to the delicious Adele Haze on a couple of memorable occasions, including a double caning from her and Abel back in January. In fact I've not had a shortage of new female lovers with a taste for spanking me, and have enjoyed hot dates with March Middleton and Serafina. I continue to be amazed at my good fortune.

Finishing School was also a landmark here - a whole weekend roleplaying with the sublime Lucy McLean and Amy Hunter (culminating in another double caning - the second of three this year, which is a theme I wholly approve of!) It turns out that I find playing with friends on a social basis (rather than with lovers on a romantic one) far easier and more appealing if the friends in question are female. Lucy and Amy provided a blinding initiation into the joys of immersive group roleplay, and I loved every minute of it. I hope to carry this trend into 2011 - I'd love to attend more roleplay events, and there are one or two lovely switches among my kinky friends that I'm keeping an interested eye on. (Look out, ladies...)

4. Generally, spending more time and energy on socialising, meeting new people and lovers, and quality time with my partners.

I think I can safely say I managed this one as well. As well as the delights described above (plus a couple of unnamed others!), paradoxically, my relationship with D has thrived since moving away from London. Long distance does seem to suit us, and the second half of this year has brought unexpected renewal, romance and kink to our partnership.

I've still tended to overwork this year, and accumulated more long-term fatigue over the summer, but I've got better at resting sensibly to recover from it. Life feels pretty good at the moment, and I'm really looking forward to the challenges and new adventures 2011 has to offer.

Reading your comments on last year's post, I'm pleased to see that some of you have fulfilled your 2010 resolutions, as well. I hope 2011 brings you everything you hope for, and more!

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Tags: Adele Haze, D, dominance and submission, kink, learning curves, Penny D, Photos, porn production, Subbing to women, Thomas Cameron


Playing the game

Posted at 00:23 on 3 Dec 2010 by Pandora / Blake

One of the problems with being a good submissive at a kinky roleplay event is that well-behaved characters don't get punished, and can end up feeling a bit left out. (The exception is if the tops know you well enough to pick on you unfairly. Leia-Ann Woods would probably argue that this situation is not desirable at all, but I did find myself envying her, strange as it seems - I'd have found being singled out much easier!)

In private D/s scenes and social contexts like play parties and clubs, deliberately bratting, being disobedient or causing mischief in order to earn a punishment has always made me feel uncomfortable. I can't get over the idea that I'm being horribly self-involved, rude, demanding and attention-seeking. More generally, I've never really liked being made to feel "naughty" when I'm being punished. I much prefer to please my partners - and if I please them by being punished, so much the better!

But in a social roleplay like the Finishing School weekend, what's the best approach for a good girl who likes to play hard? Should I only roleplay with tops I can trust to set me impossible tasks, single me out unfairly, pick up on every little misdemeanour, deliberate or accidental? Not easy to achieve unless I only roleplay with my partners - and if every bottom in a scene needed such treatment, the tops would have their work cut out!

The first public punishments of the weekend were meted out at the Saturday morning assembly. Emma-Jane had organised matching Little Miss Trouble panties for everyone to wear instead of our regulation knickers. She'd made sure a pair was provided for me, but I agonised stupid amounts over whether to participate or not. I really wasn't comfortable playing a bratty persona and deliberately earning punishments. It's just not my style. But I didn't want to seem like some snotty goody-goody thinking she was better than everyone else, either. I'm more susceptible to peer pressure than I'd like!

In the end I decided that it was foolish to pressure myself to do something I wasn't comfortable with, and wore regulation knickers. I was in on the joke, but when Mrs Darling and Miss Hammond-Grant whacked their way down the line of naughty bottoms, mine was passed over (apart from a couple of over-enthusiastic, accidental swats from Miss H-G on her way past the first time, which was more funny than anything else!)

I think it was the right decision. I wasn't excluded from a big scene, and the teachers didn't go on about my abstention to the extent I felt embarrassed about it. But interestingly, as we stood there in assembly, skirts lifted to show Mrs Darling who had participated and who had not, I realised that despite my misgivings I probably would have felt comfortable if I'd joined in, after all. Okay, it would have felt a bit artificial, but it was no big deal and all in good fun. Next time, perhaps, I'll have the confidence to join in for the sake of the joke. After all, if my character doesn't misbehave somehow, my real kinky self won't have much fun.

I've already decided that at future roleplay events like this I definitely want to take a character, with a different name and backstory (I have a few ideas already...), to make it easier for me to indulge in this sort of play without guilt.

Being good out of character is great. (Being responsible and helpful, being nice to people, pulling your weight with chores, not being selfish or annoying). But my character and me have different aims. I like playing hard and want to be included in the kinky fun. My character, however, wants to avoid getting into trouble. Both of us want to please our tutors and get on with my classmates. But is being good in character necessary to be a good play partner?

The only kind of scene I've played for fun before involved crimes committed offstage, or unfair scenarios with sadistic tops taking advantage. An educational setting with fair, likeable teachers is very different. It's unfair to expect two tops to take responsibility for satisfying a whole group of kinky girls without any input from them - it's reasonable that we should help them along by giving them something to work with. Really, if you think about it, misbehaving is the right thing to do in this sort of context!

Outright bratting may not be my style, but creative mischief to amuse my classmates and enliven a group roleplay feels less self-involved - it enhances the experience for all. My teachers' characters won't approve, of course, but the real tops trying to pull together an entertaining and satisfying group scene will appreciate imaginative contributions (and are almost certainly finding it as funny as us). The consequences are an out-of-character reward as much as an in-character punishment. I favour active rather passive submission, and I think this sort of "misbehaviour" is the equivalent in certain types of roleplay.

One rule Adele Haze mentioned at the weekend which several classmates agreed with was, "don't commit the crime (in character) if you can't take the punishment". But I think it works the other way, too - if you want the punishment, you have to earn it somehow! Part of being a grownup, after all, is self-reliance - it's not fair to expect other people to do all the work for me.

There's a difference, of course, between the sort of imaginative, entertaining mischief which enlivens a scene, or cheeky retorts witty enough to make people laugh, and being genuinely annoying or aggravating. This line might be obvious to hardcore purveyors of mischief, but I'm just trying to puzzle it out - helped by following the good examples of my fellow Finishing School students.

Here's what I've got so far: think of this as Finishing School Etiquette (the unofficial version)...

  • Mischief and cheekiness are all very well, but unkindness and snideness are rarely justified. Creativeness and generosity of spirit aren't incompatible with rule-breaking!
  • Targets should be chosen with care - mean characters are fairer game than nice ones, and of course one should show solidarity with one's fellow students! Other people "playing the game" are better targets than those trying to be good.
  • Disobedience should be frivolous and entertaining for onlookers - attention-seeking behaviour is more justifiable if you put on a good show and raise a laugh.
  • "Naughtiness" shouldn't be an excuse to get out of chores or unpleasant duties, especially if this makes more work for your fellows. Same goes for bothering people while they're doing something difficult, unpleasant or necessary.
  • Just as tops can be expected to look after our limits, we should look after theirs. It's better to ease off when they're particularly tired of dealing with naughty pupils rather than demanding more attention from them.

What do you think? Is that a reasonable approximation of "bratting etiquette"? Are there any I've missed?

I think all my fellow players last weekend had an instinctive grasp of these rules. As well the teachers showing us how to be more ladylike, the other Finishing School pupils offered a masterclass in responsible naughtiness. Watching so much entertaining cheekiness and mischief has left me feeling much more confident that I could enjoy breaking the written rules, once I've got a better sense of what the unwritten ones are.

I've realised that so much of effective naughtiness is about confidence. Answering back is impossible if you're too tongue-tied to think of witty retorts. It's easier to cause trouble if you can trust that your play partners will enjoy the consequences. One of the reasons I default to obedience is if I feel shy or insecure and don't want to call attention to myself. I'm worried about seeming like one of those demanding, pushy bottoms constantly competing for attention. But this weekend offered a crash course in creative ways of getting into trouble that are fun for all involved, and by the end I was feeling more confident that I could join in without making a genuine nuisance of myself. Now I just need more practice - clearly, I'm just going to have to do more roleplay!

I'm not sure what Mrs Darling and Miss Hammond-Grant will make of the non-curricular things I learned this weekend. I'm sure Finishing School was intended to make me better behaved, not worse...

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Tags: dominance and submission, Finishing School, kink, learning curves, meta-analysis


The first night at Mrs Darling's Academy

Posted at 16:15 on 30 Nov 2010 by Pandora / Blake

On the way to Scotland on Friday, the new intake for Mrs Darling's Academy kept closely in touch via Twitter. It wasn't until Leia-Ann posted a message worrying that we'd be punished for traveling in jeans that it occurred to me that we might not be supposed to. We'd been told to bring smart, sensible and ladylike clothes, and it was made clear that jeans and trainers were expressly forbidden at the academy itself, but surely the rules would only apply once we arrived? The others, mostly traveling in warm and comfortable clothing like me, agreed. At least if we were going to get into trouble for wearing jeans when we arrived, I wouldn't be alone.

I wasn't as shocked as some of the others when we were met at the airport by an intimidating Miss Hammond-Grant rather than the friendly Amy Hunter we'd been led to expect. She put us straight into character, and I was happy to go along with it (although not entirely sure how to respond, since I wasn't really going as a character). Not only was there an actual school bus waiting for us, but the driver was in on it as well. The first thing that happened was our phones were confiscated, so there was nothing to do on the hour long drive to the unknown but talk.

Our chatting and joking had an edge of nervousness which I think made us a bit more manic. Discussion ranged from ferrets up trousers to normal, out-of-character gossip. Whenever Miss Hammond-Grant interjected with a reprimand about the inappropriate nature of our conversation I lapsed into silence, unsure how to respond. We giggled together in girlish solidarity, but I think I wasn't the only one to feel a bit nervous and uncertain. Was I meant to be conversing in character? What would that involve, anyway? And perhaps most importantly, would we all (except Catherine Thomas, impeccably dressed in a smart skirt and jumper) be in trouble on arrival for our comfy, unladylike attire?

My feelings about the prospect were mixed. Half of me was cross and indignant at the idea that we might be punished for breaking an unannounced rule, although given we hadn't been told we'd be put straight into role and immediately cut off from the outside world, it didn't seem impossible. And yet - I wasn't likely to get into trouble deliberately, so if I wanted to play I'd need my tutors to be mean. Wasn't this exactly the kind of unfair punishment I preferred?

It was an emotional tension that would characterise my experience of the weekend, as I slowly assimilated the realities of social CP roleplay, and its many differences from private, romantic D/s. My natural earnestness and obedience ceased to be an advantage as the naughtiest girls got to play the most, leaving me feeling excluded from the fun at times. But I never quite felt at home deliberately acting out, which tends to make me feel uncomfortable and attention-seeking. Trying to resolve my eagerness to please with my desire to be punished was a steep learning curve, and I think my real kinky self got as much out of Mrs Darling's Academy as nervous new girl Miss Blake did from her finishing school lessons.

In the end, we were only lectured for arriving in jeans. After the nervousness of the bus journey, we were treated to our first sight of the castle we'd be staying at for the weekend - the most luxuriously appointed roleplay venue I've ever heard of, which really enhanced the experience (even if it was painfully cold). Piling out of the bus with our scarves and suitcases, looking in awe at the snow-covered turrets of our new home, being greeted by the glamorous Mrs Darling and read the academy rules in the luscious oak-paneled drawing room - it was a treat for the mind and senses. I'd amused myself on the train north with the similarities between this and going to Hogwarts, and it was no less magical. Immersion in role was effortless as we were given a tour of the castle and shown to our dormitory rooms.

In fact, no-one was punished on that first night (except Leia-Ann Woods for smoking, but we only heard that story afterwards). Lucy and Amy decided not to push us too hard at first, given the intensity of our arrival experience, and especially since so many of my classmates were meeting them for the first time. They dropped out of role briefly during dinner, and the ease with which they switched in and out of character made the whole thing feel more natural for me. Our first lecture that evening on grooming and presentation felt very informal, almost not in role at all, except in the real sense in which my glamorous friends were sharing their expertise with us, and we genuinely wanted to learn. For all our tiredness (and I don't think any of the girls were tireder than our tutors) it was an interesting and informative lecture, and really helped my headspace. I didn't need to put on a role in this context; they actually knew more than me about these things, and I could accept their authority without any need for pretense.


I have huge amounts to say about the rest of the weekend, and I'll do my best to share as much as possible with you (it'll take several posts, I think, although I'm still wondering how to split it up into manageable chunks). For now, I'll leave you with some links to other posts from my fellow finishing school girls:

Adele/Haron: Finished off - or, To be a lady
Emma-Jane: To Darling's we are sent
Eliane: Eliane at Finishing School
Leia-Ann: Finishing School Part 1

Keep reading »

Tags: Finishing School, kink, learning curves, other pictures, Roleplay

1 comment

Off to Finishing School

Posted at 13:24 on 26 Nov 2010 by Pandora / Blake

I'm on a train moving north through snow-covered fields, and when I think about where I'm going my stomach tightens in anticipation. My suitcase, as well as warm clothes and wellies for a few days in the Highlands next week, contains carefully-assembled items, ticked off the list I was sent earlier this week: smart daywear, white blouse, stockings, ladylike underwear, sensible shoes, high heels, evening gown and demure cocktail dress. I'm going to school, but it won't be like any school I've been to before.

This afternoon myself and a handful of others in need of "finishing" will enrol in Mrs Darling's prestigious academy for errant young ladies. The curious can discover more about this institution through the characterful Twitter accounts maintained by Mrs Darling herself (AKA Northern Spanking's Lucy McLean) and her capable deputy Miss Amelie Hammond-Grant (AKA Amy Hunter).

This will be my first foray into the world of immersive social roleplay, and I feel as if I'm jumping into the deep end. A dozen pupils, four tutors and half a dozen unknown "bachelors" whose role in all this is yet to be discovered. Two whole nights and days sleeping, waking and eating in character. I've only played short, small-scale roleplay scenes three or four times before.

My anxiety over the past couple of weeks has been off the scale. There's the practical concerns: Will I forget to bring anything? Will my health be up to it? (I've had a cold most of this week, but have had too much work to do before going away to be able to rest and recuperate.) How will I, a grown woman who prefers to manage her own schedule, cope with being told when to sleep, when and what to eat and drink? Will we be allowed tea and coffee? (I won't have much fun with caffeine withdrawal headaches all weekend.) Will the unfamiliar constraints be enjoyable, or will I just find the loss of independence annoying?

Then there's the whole reason, I guess, that most of us are there - the CP. My instinct, as a first timer, is to stay out of trouble as much as possible, observe until I feel comfortable participating. Will I have the opportunity, or will our tutors ensure that all of us are dealt with as a matter of course? Normally I strongly prefer unfair punishments to deliberately earning one through misbehaviour; will that be true this time, or will I want to reclaim some control over my fate? If everyone else embarks on a collective prank, do I suffer the embarrassment of being the goody-goody odd one out, or risk earning a punishment before I feel ready?

I wrote on my application form that I had no experience of hand tawsing, and if it were to happen it would be an extreme and intense experience not to be undertaken lightly. But in retrospect, I started to regret not putting it as a hard limit. What sort of behaviour would count as "extreme" in the rules of this unknown academy? The more I thought about it, the more it seemed that I'd set myself up. If I wanted to, say, steal intimate time with any of my attractive fellow students (including close friends I rarely get to see), I could probably expect the worst. With a disappointed sigh and a hard look at my comfort zone, I've decided it's not worth the risk. I'm resigned to being good - or at any rate, as good as possible.

Then there's the theme of the school itself. This isn't the comforting familiarity of a traditional school - it's an aristocratic finishing school for young adults, set in the modern world. Wearing stockings to class, smartphones not permitted outside the dormitory - it's a dizzying mix of old and new, and the unfamiliarity of it is scary and exhilarating.

I decided to apply as myself, Pandora, rather than a character, figuring that it would be easier to cope with assimilating so many news experiences without the added complication of presenting a new persona. My application was filled out with total honesty. Thanks to a privileged education I am, in traditional terms, relatively accomplished, and so the areas in which I need "finishing" are those relating to elegance, etiquette and social graces, the trimmings of class which few real people are trained in these days. Sounds like fun, I thought, and with luck I'll genuinely learn something. But as the event loomed closer I found things to fret about. What about posture and deportment? Would the tutors accept my real-life back problems as a valid excuse for imperfection? Would I be able to deal with a critique of my way of speaking and moving, or would it all be far too personal for comfort? Suddenly I began to regret not having a character to hide behind.

But I'm on my way, now, reassuring myself with the same things I've told myself all along. This is a fun event run my friends, who know my limits and aren't out to get me. I'm hardly going to be on my own, and once I'm there I bet I'll be disappointed if I don't get into trouble at least once.

It's weird, but right now my good girl kink and my eagerness to please feel like my own worst enemy. I may not be very submissive to most people on the planet - which is not proving helpful in accepting the loss of control for two days of my life - but my anxious perfectionism is rehearsing every possible way in which things might not go to plan.

Ultimately, of course, I don't know the plan - and I'm going to have to submit to the authority of the lovely, generous ladies running this weekend if I don't want to spend it champing at the bit. My difficulty in submitting to anyone other than my partners is why I've so rarely indulged in these group roleplay scenes in the past, and if I'm going to enjoy this one, I'm going to have to get over it enough to trust the tutors with my boundaries and person.

As the train crosses through blizzards into snowy Scotland, my anxieties slowly peel away along with the world I'm leaving behind. Underneath them is excitement and the happy anticipation of seeing friends old and new. Deep down I know that all my fears are daft, and I'm going to have the time of my life. Dressing up, shared world creation, watching others be punished - in many ways this experience is a dream come true.

I'm looking forward to getting so immersed in it that I forget my uncertainties. See you on the flipside.

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Tags: Amy Hunter, kink, learning curves, Lucy McLean, making a scene, meta-analysis


Pipedreams and priorities

Posted at 16:00 on 26 Oct 2010 by Pandora / Blake

I realised a few weeks ago that even if I spent a day a week working on my spanking site, I wouldn't have a chance of launching it by Christmas. Now it's nearly the end of October, and I wouldn't be able to manage it even if I could find two days a week. Which I can't; I'm gradually catching up on my perennial work backlog (generated by an inability to say no to things, too many partners forming tempting startups which of course I want to help out with, and a bizarre insistence on working to make pipedream projects happen rather than simply relegating them to the "some day" pile) but my to do list still has a depressing number of things on it which have a higher priority than my fairtrade kinky porn project.

When I realised that 2010, like 2009, was going to end with this site still in its long gestation, I felt very down in the dumps about it. I cursed myself for my inability to focus, for not working hard enough to get everything else done (although I know this is bollocks really), for making poor decisions in giving my time this year to other people's projects and causes. But I'm not very suited to regret. By the time I'd slept on it, I was feeling a lot more zen about my choices this year. My baby spanking site may not be born yet, but I haven't been wasting my time. And although I'm always frustrated by not being able to make as much progress as I'd like with any one project, I'd rather lead a rich and varied life than spend all my time on one thing.

It's okay, anyway; people rarely have money to spend just after Christmas. A March launch date makes more economic sense in some ways. It certainly doesn't mean I'm a failure. (I won't be surprised if the March date falls by the wayside as well, but giving myself deadlines is one of the ways I prioritise between all the tempting conflicting demands on my time. And the nice thing about setting deadlines for yourself is that it's alright if they slip; as long as the deadline spurs you to focus, it's served its purpose.)

When I was still aiming for a Christmas launch, I'd pledged to myself that I wasn't allowed to spend any more time shooting (the fun sociable part) until I'd caught up on editing, admin, site design and development (the time-consuming solitary parts). It's not like I don't enjoy these things, but somehow I found myself producing another shoot before I'd made much more in the way of progress with the rest of it. It was easy to find excuses - oh, well, this venue is probably available for a limited time only, and I should make the most of it while I have access to it; I need some better promotional images in order to do the web design - but the truth is that shooting is exciting and exhilirating and involves having kinky fun with lovely people, and all the rest of it involves long hours I have to spend at my desk.

I'd like to say that the stills shoot yesterday was definitely DEFINITELY the last shoot I'm producing until all the rest of the work is done, and I am going to spend my time working on the site and editing the backlog rather than planning more exciting future shoots. But I know that's not true. I'm already planning another video shoot in December. Guiltily. But I shall assuage my conscience by doing lots of editing AS WELL. Then the next shoot clearly won't be procrastination on the other work, but a reward to myself for making progress.


But you guys don't want to hear all about my prioritising troubles, you want to hear about the shoot yesterday. I'm getting the pics back from the photographer in a couple of weeks, so I'll leave proper scene descriptions til I have some images to illustrate them with. In the meantime:

- I'm getting better at this. Quite a lot of planning went into this one, although the callsheet still only went out on Saturday night (but everyone had had advance notice of the costume they needed to bring, so that wasn't the end of the world). I feel like every shoot I produce goes more smoothly. There was almost no stress or faff on the day. We kept to schedule and got through five different set-ups in under eight hours, with time for lunch and tidying (not bad when we had to dress each set individually for a different historical period and flavour). I'd written an additional scene to be fitted in before lunch if we could, but by late morning we were running slightly behind, so I cut it, which meant we started the afternoon ahead of schedule. We actually finished the day half an hour earlier than I'd planned, which made me wonder if I shouldn't have left the extra scene in after all - but having more time is no bad thing, and that scene will work just as well on a future video shoot.

- This was stills only, and so very much in my comfort zone as an artist - although it was, bizarrely, the first stills-only shoot I've produced/directed. Strange to realise that. I hadn't directed other models before, but I've been directed a lot and had a very clear vision about what I wanted, so it came quite naturally. Tom directed part of one scene and most of another, since he knows much more about either 19th century ceremonial magic or fencing choreography than I do.

- I found it much easier to bottom while directing stills than I have to bottom while directing video. Because I was directing, I found the pain much harder to take than when I'm simply modelling, and can immerse myself more fully, but because it was stills, there was much more opportunity to react out of character if a stroke was too painful, or to pause to collect myself. If I reacted to a hard stroke with, say, an annoyed yell rather than a submissive whimper, it didn't ruin the dynamic of the scene, because the camera didn't record it. And I could ask Tom to pause between strokes of the strap to give my bottom a rub without having to call "cut". Because of the increased opportunities for out of character conversation between shots, modelling for stills is much more compatible with directing than modelling for video.

- Daniel R was amazing to work with, and totally unflappable despite not having shot spanking material before. He got what I was trying to do, he was professional, efficient, calm, and amazingly good at lighting - the darker atmospheric scenes with candlelight came out so much better than I'd hoped, and I know how hard that is. I was really happy with the shots I saw on his computer screen, and can't wait to see the finished results. Thanks so much to him and his partner for all their hard work yesterday. I was able to hand the lighting tech completely over to them, and it made my job so much easier.

- It is such a privilege to be able to work with close friends. I knew what all my models were capable of, I trusted them, I didn't have to worry about them, I didn't have to feel guilty for spending valuable social time working, because I knew I'd see lots of them anyway - it was just really emotionally easy. Plus they all share my vision, and so I can trust them creatively to strive for the same aims as me. Working with new people is wonderful, but it's different, and it's definitely more effort. This felt very natural and straightforward, and this week I really needed that.

Because we were doing stills only, I took the opportunity to do some scenes which would be difficult to shoot on video. The aforementioned fencing choreography, for instance; or the Magician's Apprentice scene I shot with Adele, Tom and Jimmy, which included a special effect which would be beyond my skills on video, but which was easy to produce in stills. I was also able to persuade Tom and Jimmy to do some M/m work, which made Adele and I very happy, but which I don't think they'd be comfortable doing on video. Having done the stills versions successfully, though, I now think that the other three out of yesterday's five scenes would be doable on video, so it's possible we'll revisit those at some point.

I've decided that I'll let myself blog about specific scenarios in detail when (and only when) I've got each one ready to publish, in the hopes that this will motivate me to get the post-production done promptly. For now, I'll just post this photo I took on my cameraphone between takes, of Adele and Jimmy being very sweet as the magician's apprentice and his new girlfriend (who is, unbeknownst to him, also the magician's apprentice-to-be):

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Tags: Adele Haze, Daniel R, Jimmy Holloway, learning curves, meta-analysis, other pictures, porn production, Thomas Cameron


Happy bottom

Posted at 22:22 on 4 Oct 2010 by Pandora / Blake

After a dry summer, the last week has been outrageously kinky. Last Wednesday I spent 7 hours on the set of a shoot for a brand new spanking site, during which we produced 6 films with accompanying stills and 2 separate photosets. It was intense and enjoyable and physically exhausting, and I'll tell you all about it tomorrow.

On Thursday I shared a new professional kinky experience with my delightful Penny D; her first forays into such waters, and she took to them as naturally as the selkie I always suspected she was. (The Scottish kind, of course, not Cornish). Lots of energy exchanged; exhiliration; learning curves; huge amounts of job satisfaction. That, too, will have to wait until another post.

Friday night we went out to Subversion - my first outing to a fetish club on the arm of a domme rather than either of my men. An enormously different experience, and hugely enjoyable. It was a rich, varied, emotionally intense evening for a host of different reasons, and - well - you guessed it, I'll go into more detail later in the week.

I came home on Saturday to a polyamory wobble which forced a rift between Thomas and I until we talked about the problem on Sunday lunchtime. It was painful and difficult and scary, but by Sunday evening things had started to settle, and I could feel that my reaching-out to him was mutual. After the dispute was resolved we clung to each other thirstily, and the evening ended with electric, long-awaited make-up sex; sex which re-connected us not only after that fight, but re-forged another link that had been left wavering during this long summer of work and health problems and distance and stress. Every moment of physical intimacy with him is precious right now, and we clung to each other so dearly that I wasn't the only one to shed a tear at the intensity of emotion that swamped us both.

D/s play is still to come, at home, as Tom slowly regains his strength; but in London, I have my lady to share electric new experiences with, to glory in her growing power and self-confidence as my domme; I have D, with whom everything right now is comfortable and lustful and good. And I have work that taps into my kink, the deep joy that comes from creating erotic stimulation that gives joy to others.

I have been sitting on this photo since May, but today, I can finally say that it fits me right down to the ground.

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Tags: D, Fetish clubbing, funny, kink, learning curves, other pictures, Penny D, Thomas Cameron


Taking the plunge

Posted at 17:52 on 20 Aug 2010 by Pandora / Blake

I thought, when I moved out of London with Tom to a much bigger house, that it would be easier for me to find opportunities to film for my work-in-progress spanking site. Living with my Dom, a bedroom big enough to set up a camera and lights - I was looking forward to being able to shoot more easily than when I was in London.

But so far, it hasn't turned out quite that way. I've ended up getting very involved in setting up Tom's new business, and since we moved, working on that has taken all my spare time outside paid work. At the same time, the stress of the last couple of years combined with the exhaustion of moving and starting a new enterprise has seriously compromised Tom's health, and one of the things which has been put on hold to give him a chance to recover is our sex and spanking life. It's tough, but hopefully temporary.

When Ludwig and Kaelah said they were coming to the UK and would like to come and stay, I jumped at the chance - it drove me nuts not having enough space to play host in London, and I'm revelling in the fact that our new home has a spare room. Ludwig said he would potentially be interested in filming a clip or two while they were there. Him and Kaelah's relationship is one in which they only play with one another, but since Ludwig has prior experience appearing as a switch in spanking videos, they've agreed to make an exception for filming. They've filmed one clip together at home, but Kaelah said she might be interested in sharing her first experience shooting with other people with me, Tom and Jimmy.

Well. With so flattering an offer, how could I refuse? We worked out that a "professional" shoot where I hired them, got them to sign releases etc, probably wasn't what they were looking for this time, for various reasons. So we agreed that we'd shoot some free clips for the blogs, just for fun.

On previous shoots, I've always made sure I had experienced industry people around to help me with the cameras, lighting and audio. As a producer I've been able to delegate the technical side of the day entirely, and focus on everything else. This time, since I wasn't filming commercial content which would justify the expense of a camera crew, I decided to go it alone. Jimmy (who has a lot of technical confidence, but not much experience) offered to help out behind the camera, and I decided to take the plunge, and get to grips with the equipment I bought last year but have never operated myself. I was going to have to learn at some point; I want to be able to shoot informally at home if Tom and I are in the mood, without it having to be a big production with camera crew each time.

It felt a little weird agreeing to produce blog content with Ludwig and Kaelah when I'm frustrated by not having time to shoot material for my site, but in the end it was the right decision. It removed a certain amount of pressure, and liberated us to work out the dynamics of shooting together for the first time, in a new location and without outside technical assistance, without feeling like I had to "get my money's worth" or meet any quotas.

So it was a day of firsts: Kaelah's first experience bottoming and filming with someone other than Ludwig; and my first experience not only shooting with them and in a new venue, but also operating independently behind the camera.

There was lots of planning by email. I sent over a few scene ideas, but in the end Kaelah wrote the two scripts we ended up using on the day. Both were school scenes, reflecting her desire to participate in the more "innocent" end of the genre, rather than any explicitly erotic or sexual scenes. An awful lot of thought and creativity went into the final concepts - most of it Kaelah's. I've been very busy with vanilla work lately, and so wasn't able to be as active a part of the planning phase as I'd have liked, but we worked out two plots with two tops and two bottoms, and two different but matching school uniforms. I found myself in the unusual position of being the voice of realism, reining in Kaelah's enthusiasm and perfectionism with the pragmatism I've learned the hard way. Normally I'm the one to try and take on too much - it was odd being the one to suggest that we should avoid being too ambitious and not bite off more than we could chew. I think I've learned my lesson there, at least!

They arrived on Sunday night, and we enjoyed a relaxed evening cooking, eating and catching up. The next morning we were up early to start at 9am, since we only had the venue until 5pm and I wanted to make sure we had plenty of time in case anything went wrong. At the last minute, Tom realised he wasn't able to spend the whole day away from his office, so we rewrote the first scene for a single top, and arranged for Tom to join us after lunch.

I was glad I'd left us as much time as I had. It allowed us to set a leisurely pace without getting stressed out. The venue I'd found was beautiful, but we had to spend a fair amount of time moving furniture around to create the desired headmaster's study/senior common room effect. My lights worked but I couldn't find the bulbs, so there was a mission into town to buy new ones. We were using Ludwig and Kaelah's cameras, and the four of us spent a couple of hours blocking the various shots and working out where to put everything. It was slow work for four newbies, but we managed it without any strife. By midday we'd set up everything for both scenes, so we wouldn't have much faff after lunch, and we were ready to film the first clip, "The Protection Racket".

Kaelah had written a story about two schoolfriends who both come forward individually to confess to the same crime, creating a tangle which their teacher needs to somehow sort out. Both girls have good reasons for believing their friend to be the culprit, and want to save them from punishment.

But neither is a particularly good liar, and their teacher doesn't need to be a genius to work out that neither story rings true.

He applauds their spirit of self-sacrifice, but lying to a teacher is still unacceptable. They won't be punished as much as if they had been the culprit, but they still need to be punished.

In the end, it all came together okay. Jimmy was an absolute star managing both cameras while I was acting, and I really enjoyed working with him behind the scenes - I think it bodes well for our future collaboration. By the end of the day I felt totally exhilirated at the knowledge that not only had we produced some good content without any stress, in a new location and with new people, but that we'd done it totally independently, without needing to bring in outside help. As a producer I seem to be learning from past mistakes every time I make them, and this time I think I managed not to cock anything up. Quite an awesome feeling! I feel much more confident about shooting my own material in the future now, and am looking forward to having the time.

I had great fun working with Ludwig and Kaelah, and was really impressed with their enthusiasm and dedication. Kaelah has written a brief update about the shoot on their travelling journal, but I'm sure they'll have more to add once they get home and recover from their trip. It was an honour to help Kaelah have her first experience of filming with other people. I'll post the clips as soon as they're ready to share.

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Tags: Jimmy Holloway, Kaelah, learning curves, Ludwig, otk spanking, Photos, porn production, school uniform, shoot writeups

1 comment

A birthday beating

Posted at 12:07 on 30 Jun 2010 by Pandora / Blake

Last week Tom and I were idly discussing ideas to celebrate my birthday. I mentioned that I was hoping for a birthday caning; we've both been incredibly busy with work since the move, and a play session was long overdue. To my relief, he said he'd been thinking along similar lines.

"Have you bought me a present?" I asked, both bashful and hopeful. Money's tight at the moment and I forgot Tom's present earlier this year, so I wasn't going to throw a tantrum if he hadn't organised anything. My fears were put to rest by a flashing grin from him.

"Yes. Although I didn't buy it, I acquired it. And I haven't oiled it yet."

Mysteries heaped upon mysteries! I decided to not test my deductive skills on his puzzle, and look forward to my surprise.


The mystery was almost revealed last night, as we were getting ready to play. Tom was making Unknown Preparations in his room, and I was taking the opportunity to tidy up mine a bit. On my way to the bathroom I glanced through his open door and saw him feeding implements into the long leather swordbag he uses to organise toys. He noticed me looking. "Well, that's torn that one," I heard him mutter after I'd passed.

I mulled on this for a moment. We'd already agreed there would be Play, and probably a Birthday Caning. The sight of Tom packing toys, including canes, was no surprise to me. I realised there must have been something specific he wanted me to not see - an unexpected implement, perhaps. His martinet? He likes it and we don't use it much .... was he going to make me play a guessing game later? On my way back I called through the open door (without looking) and reassured him that the surprise hadn't been ruined.

"Do you want me to get changed?" I asked

"That's entirely up to you, love."

More mulling. This means: 1) He isn't planning anything particularly elaborate or formal, 2) This is going to be a consensual, erotic play session rather than challenging D/s, and 3) He doesn't have a particular fantasy he wants me to perform for him. Fair enough. We've not played much lately and relaxed is probably the way forward. Nonetheless, I decided I wanted some help getting in the mood, and swapped my combats and t-shirt for a black satin nightie which barely skims my thighs. I kept my black knickers on, though, in deference to the spanko aesthetic that wants layers to peel away (and, to be fair, to my out-of-practice bottom).

The nightie helped diminish the body self-consciousness I've been feeling lately, and also put me into that slinky, confident, grown-up "I want this" mood which is an easy way to approach my masochism when I'm feeling nervous. The collar also helped: since we moved Tom's brought out the slim black velvet collar I made a year or so ago, less uncomfortable and unwieldy than the leather one, which presses against my windpipe and is really inconvenient when giving oral sex. This one is elegant, comfortable, and I'm looking forward to slowly imbuing it with significance, until I can slip into my subby headspace just by putting it on.

I went over his knee willingly and he started lightly, spanking the bare skin below my knickers and gradually warming me up. It was so light at first I found myself holding my breath, and then it was just yummy: tingly and stingy, each little impact eliciting a brief sweet ache in my gluts. I wriggled with delight, and I'm pretty sure it was obvious I was enjoying myself from the noises I was making.

He stepped up the pace. I pushed against the smacks, trying to struggle prettily, well aware of how out of practice and wimpy I was feeling. I found it easier to deal with the pain if I envisaged the spanking as if I was watching it. It sounds really weird, fantasising about a spanking as you're being spanked, but when you're fantasising a spanking is the hottest thing in the world, and when you're being spanked it just hurts, and so combining the two kind of makes sense. I sneaked a peek over my shoulder at his hand coming down on my bare ass and that, too, made it easier to take.

When he got harder still, and sped up so his hand was landing again and again without pause, all my strategies flew out of my head. It really hurt! I found myself wriggling and whining, trying not to scream my head off, all too aware of the open window. So much for maintaining my dignity. I think there was a certain amount of involuntary pleading before he finally let me up, and when he did I was surprised to discover that I was sulking.

"I was enjoying that until you went too hard!" I pouted. He, quite rightly, ignored this moment of out-of-character bratting, gave me a rub and told me to arrange pillows in the bed for my birthday beating.

By the time I was arranged arse up, knickers pulled down to my knees and nightie tucked up around my waist, I was resolved to take what was coming to me. My sore bottom had faded to a pleasant warmth, and I was aware that despite my protests my cunt was hot and wet.

It was in that position that my surprise was revealed. "26 strokes, was it?" Tom asked casually, showing me his new toy:

He told me how he'd found it in the basement of our new house, and showed it to me with delight. I couldn't deny it was beautiful. An original vintage razor strop, left in a dusty corner by some previous owners. The embossed wording is barely legible (something about Genuine Shell Horse?) and the scrapes on the leather showed clear signs of use (I guess he didn't get round to oiling it); it is a truly unique item, and we both enjoyed the idea of the house itself making us this unexpectedly suitable gift. But mostly, all my sulky brain could think was: 26 strokes with a razor strop? That's my birthday present?

It wasn't until Tom had nipped to his room for a screwdriver so he could remove the metal link at the "business" end of the strop that I put two and two together, and realised the strokes weren't just my present, the strop itself was a gift. He'd been showing me my new toy, not his! I suddenly felt like an ungrateful wretch for not realising immediately, but fortunately I was already due the kind of strapping which would easily deal with that kind of guilt.

So, somewhat mollified but still racked with nerves, I bent over for a taste of the new strop, bracing myself for a session which I was pretty sure I wasn't going to be able to take.

Of course, Tom is not an irresponsible sadist, and he knew as well as I did how out of practice I was. So he started gently, letting me get a feel for the sensation and weight of the leather. As I got over my panic and adjusted to the pace he was setting, he increased the strength of the strokes. I didn't take it easily, grimacing at every stroke in my efforts to process the pain. Looking back, it was very well delivered; even at the time, I appreciated the accuracy with which he pitched the strokes, never so hard or fast it freaked me out, but enough to give me something to chew on, as it were, and to leave me satisfied. My only concern was that the strop was very weighted towards the tip, and after the third stroke in a row landed at the top of my right thigh, I started to worry about bruising. (He graciously allowed me to interrupt my whipping to tell him this; I was being unusually mouthy last night.)

It's a gorgeous implement - warm, without the same sting as a split-tailed tawse, but with a real percussive punch in the tip which could provide serious impact if used at force. By the end my sulks had dissipated enough that I even told him I'd liked it. He grinned. "Happy birthday."

I wasn't particularly surprised when he got another implement out and announced that I would be getting another 26. I complained, of course - I'm 26, not 52! - but wasn't completely wiped out yet, although I doubted I could make it through another two sets if he decided to round it up to three. The second implement was some kind of cane, and from past experience it seemed likely that he'd use a middle range one now and one of the serious ones next -

- the first canestroke shattered my thoughts, landing low on my bottom with an impact I could feel all through my hips. I cried out, remembered I needed to count, and with difficulty asked if I needed to count from 27 or 1. The next two felt just as hard, and I realised I was freaking out. This caning was way more heavy than I'd expected; the wood felt incredibly dense all along the burning line where it landed, as if several pounds of weight were condensing in that one fierce stripe. My panic must have shown in my reactions, because he paused and asked if I was okay. I'm afraid I didn't respond very submissively. I complained that I felt very bruisable, and the cane felt very heavy, and I hadn't played much lately ...

He took my concerns on board, and the next few were much easier to take. I wavered between feeling like a coward and being glad he'd listened to me. But my subby mood was lost; every time a stroke felt "too much" I responded with annoyance, and by the time I'd taken 26 strokes, even relatively gentle ones, I was thoroughly put out. His second "happy birthday" fell on profoundly ungrateful ears.

I stayed in position for a few minutes after it was over, trying to process my mood. Tom settled down beside me and offered strokings or a cuddle, but I needed to work out what was going on in my head and get over myself. I was furious with myself for slipping out of sub mode, especially when wearing my collar; rejecting the symbol in that way sets up negative reinforcement and makes it less powerful. My pride was hurt that I'd needed to ask for him to go easy on me, and I was bewildered that I hadn't enjoyed the caning as much as I'd hoped.

Eventually I cooled off, the throbbing in my bottom subsided to a pleasant buzz, and I apologised for my wobble interrupting the scene, and offered to continue if he wanted. He said he'd intended to stop after the cane (which, it turned out, was his Master cane, 12mm of dense unsmoked dragon), and tried to reassure me I hadn't wiggled out of anything he'd planned for me. I persisted, though: I think I kind of wanted to write over my unwanted reactions to the caning; get it "right" next time, achieve the intimacy and connection I was looking for. I asked for a "warm down" and hoped he'd understand what I was after.

I rejected the hairbrush and the riding crop before accepting the idea of the switch. I thought that sounded about right. I was well aware that this wasn't how a submissive behaves in scene, and I was a bit disappointed with myself for being so inflexible, but hey, at least we were talking it through.

Grateful that he was pandering to my weird mood, and determined to make things better between us, I threw myself passionately into the switching. I knelt up at the head of the bed with my elbows resting on the headboard, back arched, thighs spread, bottom out. It was everything I needed: light, playful, and hot hot hot. I felt beautiful and his again by the time my final whipping stopped, and I was soaking wet. I wanted his cock in me, and after some breathtaking preliminaries, I got exactly what I wanted. By the time he whispered a final "happy birthday" into my ear, we were both drenched with sweat, and I was happy and sated.

I suspect it'll take a little time before I'm able to be as flexible as we'd both like in scene. D/s should be about obedience, not a set-piece tailored to my expectations. I'm extremely grateful to Tom for his caution and patience in not pushing me faster than I can go. I have a huge amount of respect for his motivation in wanting to ease me back into our D/s relationship gently. But at the same time, I am hungry for the feelings 'true' submissiveness provides, and frustrated with myself for not having it to offer on tap. I want to relearn it, to let go enough that I can give him what he wants and enjoy the sense of release surrender brings, without being hung up on what I want and inadvertently topping from the bottom.

I'm aware of the irony in these noble submissive intentions still being couched in the language of I want.

This morning, of course, my bottom was unmarked despite my fears during the caning last night. I guess, at the moment, my body can take more than my head can. We've agreed that this clearly indicates that harder canings are needed. But, as Tom keeps telling me, there's no harm in being patient.

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Tags: cane, dominance and submission, hand spanking, kink, learning curves, razor strop, seasonal spankings, switch, Thomas Cameron


Male Submission Art

Posted at 23:57 on 23 Mar 2010 by Pandora / Blake

I've recently discovered this wonderful blog via my friend Ophelia, whose inability to find sensitive, characterful malesub spanking porn two years ago jumpstarted my ambition to produce a more egalitarian take on the industry.

Male Submission Art offers tasteful images and intelligent commentary of erotic F/m kink. The owner also writes Maybe Maimed, a nuanced, thoughtful and intimate journal of his own submission, including some spot-on political writing on gender egalitarianism within kink. Check out this list of 8 things submissive men want from a dominant partner, a powerful rebuttal of the F/m stereotype of the authoritarian goddess abusing a faceless, snivelling worm.

It's been interesting watching my tastes react to different stimuli over the last few years. Of course my preferences aren't wholly trainable - I don't think I would ever be vanilla no matter how much I limited the media I was exposed to. But certain predilections have proved weak when tested. I used, for example, to "just happen to prefer" women whose bodies were at the skinnier end of the prescribed norm; a preference which persisted as I slowly went through the process of recovery from disordered eating. These days, after working through the inconsistencies in my own thinking; taking care to expose myself to erotic, aesthetically pleasing writing and imagery of fat women; making a point of noticing when the mainstream media exhibits its dysfunctional bias against healthy body shapes, I've finally got over my outdated hang-up about big female bodies. Whole new vistas of beautiful people have been opened up to me! All my current female lovers are bigger than I would, with my culturally narrowed vision, have personally considered sexy three years ago. Now, I look at their lovely curves and wonder how I was so blind as to have skipped over them before.

I'm discovering a similar process arising from my critique of the industry mistreatment of male submissives. I'm not really a switch, and am rarely sexually attracted to men - two male partners fulfil my heterosexual leanings well enough that I don't need to look elsewhere for cock. So I "just happened" to never seek out expressions of male submission, as I didn't consider it to be relevant to my sexuality. Since I realised that it was relevant, to my politics of equality if not to my desires, I've made a point of noticing positive, gender egalitarian representations of male submission.

And you know what? I like it.

When looking at male submission art, I experience a complex, unfamiliar combination of responses. As a submissive I empathise with the sub; I imagine being in his place, looking up at the gorgeous woman who has me in her control. (My recent relaxation in the area of subbing to women has definitely contributed to this.) As a bisexual woman, I enjoy the depiction of a beautiful male body - I imagine its textures, temperatures and scents, the subtle movement of muscles and shivering responsiveness of skin. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I imagine myself in the place of that woman in control. But I definitely find the submissive male beauty she's looking at desirable, and experience a frisson of temptation to play with him, make him react.

I don't think I'm about to turn switch - certainly not with either of my current men, and I don't have much space in my head for new heterosexual entanglements. But it's not impossible, as I grow into a belated, too-slowly-learned desire for vulnerably submissive men, I will discover that my desire for them extends into a new sexual category not covered by my existing relationships, and seek one out.

In the meantime I'll have to content myself with porn. After all, I intend to make some of it myself :)

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Tags: Body positivity, F-M, Fantasies, Female gaze, Gender politics, Jimmy Holloway, learning curves, meta-analysis, other pictures, Politics


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