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Strength through humiliation

Posted at 01:07 on 31 Dec 2014 by Pandora / Blake

One of the things I love about working with Nimue is that she always opens my mind to new kinks. She is, hands down, the most interestingly filthiest person I know, which given the company I keep is quite an accolade. I love her mind, her acceptance of the darkest facets of her kinky psyche, and the way her fetishes and play personas combine strength and vulnerability in such fascinating ways.

On our most recent shoot she wanted to shoot a scene that was new to me - a point of view humiliation scene with me providing instructions and verbal abuse from behind the camera. This wasn't something I would normally consider, but I always feel very open to new ideas when I'm working with Nimue. She showed me the props she'd brought - a cheap blonde wig, make-up, high heels - and we discussed what she wanted, particularly the language.

Nimue is one of the few people I know who fetishises abusive language relating to her size. "Piggy" is her pet name from her top, and she enjoys "fat pig" humiliation play that criticises her body. As a submissive, this is a huge no for me - just as food control and starvation is another hard limit, another thing Nimue enjoys toying with. I admire the strength of character in someone who can choose to reclaim fatphobic slurs as a form of kinky play, thereby stripping them of their real-world power to hurt. Nimue described the mentality to me as follows - "I know I'm fat, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Call me fat, and you aren't insulting me, just stating a fact." She is no more immune to insecurity about her looks than the rest of us, and it takes a real strength of mind to resist and subvert the body-shaming messages we are bombarded with in media and advertising by turning them on their head, and using them as tools for kinky head games of her own devising.

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Tags: Body positivity, Fairtrade porn, Gender politics, humiliation, Kink activism, meta-analysis, Nimue Allen, Nimues World, Performers and producers, Politics, shoot writeups, those crazy kinksters, verbal abuse


My muse is a sadist

Posted at 22:21 on 24 Sep 2014 by Pandora / Blake

I'm waiting for some audio files to export, so I have a rare few minutes minutes to quickly update this blog.

Life is good. My energy levels are up and down. For ten days I could barely get out of bed in the morning, and staggering to the kitchen and back to make tea seemed like a colossal effort. I was doing everything through a fog, work was a struggle and I neglected the housework. I was sleeping eight, nine, ten hours a night.

Then last week - perhaps an inevitable swing, or perhaps the result of the accumulating stress of knowing how much work was mounting up - something shifted. I was hanging up laundry after a night of less sleep than usual and something happened in my brain. I thought I'd been planning out a blogpost, but then it seemed like it might be a series. I mentally stepped back and looked at the idea that had landed, trying to hold the whole thing in my mind at once. I couldn't be sure, but it might - perhaps - be a book. I finished hanging up clothes, sat at my computer, ignoring the urgent work I should have been doing, and hastily started to write down notes as succinctly as possible. An hour later I had a 2000 word synopsis for a complete work of non-fiction, which had seemingly arrived in its entirety in my brain. My whole head was fizzing with it. I felt like if I could only make time, I could write the whole book out there and then.

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Tags: Dreams of Spanking, meta-analysis



Posted at 22:50 on 7 Dec 2011 by Pandora / Blake

Like many submissives (and, I think, many women) I'm susceptible to anxiety and perfectionism. I tend to set myself unrealistically high standards, and then succumb to stress at the fear I'll fail to meet them. It's arrogant in a way - trying to be the best rather than aiming for a more moderate achievement. But there's the desire to please in there, as well as to excel. And if left unchecked it can amount to self-sabotage, as the pressure mounts up and negatively affects performance.

When I experience this in my working or creative life, D/S can be a remarkably efficient tool to help me break the cycle. But when D/S is the subject of my anxiety, the usual solution isn't so straightforward.

Tom was coming to visit early last week, and I knew that he and D had been plotting. Both of them had let slip, independently, that the plan was to give me the opportunity to earn my Domestic Service kinky merit badge. A roast dinner was mentioned, to be served in sexy lingerie and heels, and while the debauchery to follow wasn't explicitly mentioned, it was certainly implicit.

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Tags: D, dominance and submission, hand spanking, kink, kinky merit badges, learning curves, meta-analysis, polyamory, riding crop, rough sex, strap, Thomas Cameron


Storing emotions in the body

Posted at 11:35 on 18 Sep 2011 by Pandora / Blake

A little while ago some friends of mine were talking about their experiences during yoga classes. One asked if she was the only one to experience panic and anxiety during savasana (corpse pose, a relaxation position). It turned out she wasn't, and several people added their own experiences of uncontrollable weeping or a surging of emotion while doing poses which were billed as "relaxing".

Shortly after her boyfriends death, Amanda Coggin, a San Francisco-based writer, was in a small, intimate yoga class. While in the class, she listened to the teacher, who encouraged the participants to breathe deeply and try to clear their minds. As Amanda positioned herself in an asana, she felt an immense release. Suddenly, she said, the tears just came.

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Tags: health and disability, kink, meta-analysis, other pictures, otk spanking


Weekend hyperkinks #4

Posted at 20:15 on 4 Sep 2011 by Pandora / Blake

I'm coming to the end of a deliciously decadent weekend with D and two very good friends. I had a lovely time at Torture Garden last night, which seemed to have a more relaxed and friendly atmosphere than at previous events, as well as no shortage of pretty people to look at. We got looked at ourselves at various points during the evening, and the debauchery continued once we were back at D's. I'm curled up on his sofa now under a duvet, happy and sleepy.

Things have been exciting for me since my last hyperkinks - two thrilling shoots for my site (the last ones before I launch!), my growing confidence as a switch with the aid of the ever-willing Jacq, and various good times in my personal life. But there's been exciting stuff happening in the wider internetty world as well:

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Tags: D, Female gaze, Fetish clubbing, Furry Girl, Gender politics, hyperkinks, Kink activism, Madison Young, Maggie Mayhem, meta-analysis, other pictures, Politics, Sex worker rights


Weekend hyperkinks #2

Posted at 22:51 on 17 Jul 2011 by Pandora / Blake

Welcome to this week's only-slightly-late edition of weekend hyperkinks, in which I give you the best kink, porn and politics links that cropped up on blogs and twitter this week. There's been a lot of good stuff lately, so I'm going to divide it up.

Theres a reason why sensual is in the word consensual


  • This one is just as much about politics, but it's important, so I'm going to put it first. Kitty Stryker has done some excellent blogging this week on the ways in which the BDSM scene is inclined to turn a blind eye to incidences of abuse and sexual assault. Start with her article I never called it rape: addressing abuse in BDSM communities, then read Saturday's follow-up, I wish I could safeword rape culture. "Every time we DON'T hold people accountable, and every time someone says my article is proof that I obviously was an attention whore who was turned on by being forced to do things to men I didn't want to do, or that its my own fault for not knowing better, and that this sort of writing is a disservice to the kink community, we are proving the radfems, the government and the police right."
  • Paul at North Gare has a thought-provoking analysis on the consequences of male spankers from the pre-internet generation (a category in which he includes himself) joining the kinky community - and coming to terms with their own sexuality - late in life, in Men of an uncertain age. "Crucially, not only were idiosyncratic BDSM desires not explored and understood, but the basic social grammar of relationship management wasnt learned by direct experience. [...] Being male and middle-aged was/is no particular disadvantage, since father figures are highly sought after ironically for the experience that many such men conspicuously lack."
  • MayMay's post Young people into BDSM are not exceptional was published in 2008, but the comment thread has recently been kick-started by a post from a 16-year-old who feels "wrong and weird" for having kinky fantasies. People immediately wrote affirming and helpful replies, including some useful resources for young people interested in BDSM. The discussion is worth reading.
  • I really enjoyed this article by Rachel Kramer Bussel: Penis Gagging, BDSM, and Rape Fantasy: The Truth About Kinky Sexting. "The point of fantasies is that they come from somewhere that isnt always logical or rational. Some people might be inclined to investigate where their fantasies come from, what they 'mean,' but I tend to think of them like art, where there are multiple interpretations, where the point is to make us feel something stemming from somewhere beyond our brain."
  • Not Just Bitchy eloquently argues against the ubiquitous uniform and attitude expected of dominant women in the industry and community: "This image of female domination actively turns women away from the idea of kink because so very few women can actually relate to it."
  • Finally, I've read dozens of blogposts over the years on masochism, submission and pain, but I think this one has just become the comprehensive primer. One Sub's Mission identifies three types of pain: bad pain, good pain (oh god yes) and good pain (oh god no), and as a summary it's spot on. I particularly enjoyed this quote: "He is not simply ignoring my tears and my pain - he is drinking them in. They make his cock hard."

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Tags: Gender politics, hyperkinks, Kink activism, meta-analysis, Sex worker rights


The power of a collar

Posted at 20:13 on 10 Jul 2011 by Pandora / Blake

Overall, I am quite content with there being more of me these days. Birthday money from my parents has allowed me to update my wardrobe with some fetching and comfortable summer clothes (including a new black pair of short shorts which do wonders for my confidence) and my lovers certainly don't seem to mind - if anything, quite the opposite - which is really all that matters. However, I have my moments.

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Tags: Body positivity, collar, D, dominance and submission, kink, meta-analysis


Caning Amelia

Posted at 19:58 on 28 Jun 2011 by Pandora / Blake

I was perhaps unreasonably excited by the opportunity to cane Amelia-Jane Rutherford on my last shoot with Spanked in Uniform. Mike asked us if we were happy doing any F/F scenes, and I knew that Amelia-Jane didn't enjoy switching on film. But to be honest, that wasn't the reason I volunteered. I've only recently tried my hand with the cane, and I've discovered that my love for the implement goes beyond power orientation. Spanking someone I can take or leave, on the whole (certain people excepted). I've done it on camera and for the most part, it hurts my hand and makes me feel foolish. The first few smacks are quite amusing, but after that I find myself losing interest and don't quite know what to do next. But put a cane in my hand and suddenly all those toppy impulses come to the fore.

Topping or bottoming, I'm confident with the cane. It's my implement of choice, and the more I play with it, the more new things I try, the firmer that preference seems to be. When I'm bottoming, whether on camera or in bed, the cane puts me in my comfort zone. I always know that I can take it. Used at full force, it will make me yell rather than murmur - but it still makes me feel secure, strong. That confidence carries over when I'm the one wielding it. I love practising my skills, the rush of delight at a stroke well delivered. It feels a bit like showing off, but in the best possible way. I know it sounds kind of stupid, but it almost feels a bit like holding a magic wand, and sending a rush of energy flying through the air and into the other person.

I still don't feel like much of a switch. Occasionally a service top; a voyeur; definitely a bit of a sadist. But when given the opportunity to cane someone I start to feel a bit like I think tops must feel. Calculating - carefully judging - empathic - wondering how hard I can push - curious to try. Absolutely riding the wave of a power trip. It's a taste that surprised me, and I entirely blame the cane.

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Tags: Amelia Jane Rutherford, cane, featured photos, meta-analysis, Performers and producers, Photos, Spanked in Uniform, switching


Defining 'fairtrade' porn

Posted at 21:25 on 21 Jun 2011 by Pandora / Blake

One of the concepts I've been talking about a lot lately is that of "fairtrade" porn. This contrasts with feminist porn, which has a specific gender political agenda: whether porn is fairtrade or not does not to refer to the content of the porn, but rather how it was produced and the relationship between performers and producers.

The simplest type of fairtrade porn is homegrown - 'amateur' movies produced by couples, or solo performers running all aspects of their own business. When director, performer, producer and web salesperson are all the same person, chances are no-one's being exploited or treated disrespectfully. The bigger the company and the more employees it has, the harder this sort of thing is to manage.

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Tags: Fairtrade porn, Gender politics, meta-analysis, other pictures, Performers and producers, Sex worker rights


On capitalisation conventions

Posted at 22:44 on 19 Jun 2011 by Pandora / Blake

I found myself nodding as I read this post by Not Just Bitchy, on the reasons why she dislikes the BDSM convention of capitalising the start of names, pronouns and nouns relating to tops, and using lower case for names, pronouns and nouns relating to bottoms. Her case rests on three points: it's hard to read, it drags others into a scene space without their consent (if used in public - people doing this in private emails to each other is their own business), and:

It puts all dominant identified people above all submissive identified people, which Im really uncomfortable with. Dominant people as a group are absolutely not better, more worthy of respect, than submissive people as a group. Outside of silly capitalization rules, pronouns in English are only capitalized when referring to God. Equating dominant people to a supreme being like that is ridiculous.

I first started reading about BDSM online at the age of 15, and I was very attracted to the formal structures and protocol which people used. My first relationship with Tom employed a lot of protocol, which aligned neatly with the verbal conventions I encountered online. I've always got annoyed by people capitalising My, Your, His, Her - I find it disrupts the flow of a sentence and always comes across as pretentious and arrogant, particularly when tops use it to refer to themselves. But in blogging about my relationships I got into the habit of capitalising Sir, my Lord/s, Dominant. Even once I started thinking more critically about sexual politics, some of these habits persisted.

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Tags: dominance and submission, Gender politics, making a scene, meta-analysis, other pictures, those crazy kinksters


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